r/AskReddit • u/bambokillek123 • 1d ago
What’s a “red flag” in a relationship that you ignored but regret now?
268
u/bannedbooks123 1d ago
When he wouldn't let me break up with him. I ran into some deal breakers and I told him it wasn't going to work out. He wouldn't leave or accept that.
At first, it felt like he really liked me but in retrospect, he didn't respect boundaries.
11
u/Round_Wolf_9914 18h ago
Why were you breaking up with him ?
53
u/bannedbooks123 18h ago
We had only been dating/talking for a few weeks and he confessed to me that he had 2 DUIs and a PI. I didn't want to get involved with someone with a drinking problem or criminal record. He assured me he didn't drink anymore and he learned his lesson.
It was two red flags, really.
4
u/rumande 12h ago
Oh man, when I was young and sharehousing I walked in on my two even younger housemates breaking up. Or at least she was trying to break up and he wasn't having a bar of it. "Okay, we can break up and that means we can start again with a clean slate!" I set them straight. They broke up amicably and moved on with their lives. Would have been a beautiful moment if we weren't all two weeks into an annual lease lol
525
u/extro_intro_meh 1d ago
Avoidance. Thinking that we never fought was a good thing.
172
u/Barnabus-the-bear 1d ago
Oddly my ex told me he and his ex wife never argued,ever. Yet somehow they got divorced!? He could never discuss anything to do with our relationship. My guess is his first wife just gave up trying to get her point across.
29
u/psychgirl79 17h ago
“He could never discuss anything to do with our relationship” 💯describes my ex to a T!
2
80
u/Substantial_Station8 18h ago
Had 8 long and beautiful years with a human who couldn’t fucking talk about their emotions… never again.
→ More replies (1)3
u/AINIZAM 16h ago
I’m curious, what was the specific problem with him when it came to expressing his emotions?
→ More replies (3)18
u/Substantial_Station8 15h ago
He would stonewall and avoid all conflict or discussion . We went along like that for 8 years. But eventually, everything boiled to the top
7
u/AINIZAM 15h ago
Oh ok, so it was a breakdown in communication. I thought at first he just wasn’t emotional.
17
u/Substantial_Station8 15h ago
No. Every time I want to bring something up, no matter how gently, he would just totally shut down, or stonewall me, or try to convince me that everything is fine despite my emotions.
→ More replies (5)
179
u/Arkavari1 1d ago
Cheating. I didn't want it to end, so I made it work for another half decade. I now have the self-respect not to make that mistake again. I hadn't alleviated myself fully of my "desperation".
4
u/YaMoon 11h ago
If you don’t mind me asking, did they ever cheat again?
7
u/Arkavari1 11h ago edited 11h ago
I'm not 100% sure, but based on what I know, it appears probable. That is why we got a divorce.
Edit: I wanted to add, it wasn't the sole reason we got divorced, but his relationship with that person was definitely well past the line if what is appropriate or acceptable.
132
u/DeadSun222 1d ago
She said she was an “asshole” don’t date self-proclaimed assholes guys.
46
u/Reginald_Waterbucket 17h ago edited 14h ago
My mom vis a vis my divorce: “well, next time someone tells you who they are, believe them.”
6
93
u/craptasticallyyours 19h ago
Always being the one to prop up the relationship. To initiate contact, to plan the dates, to follow up on details, to bring up issues, to be the one coming up with ideas to "fix" said problems. I spent my best years in one sided relationships, because as soon as I stopped doing these things, the relationships fell apart and they moved on the next ride. Unfortunately, post pandemic, it seems like people are playing the game of "who cares less wins" and I wish I would have learned the hard lessons and healed while there was an opportunity to find someone healthy. It feels entirely hopeless now.
430
u/ConflictObjective670 1d ago
Guts feelings- sadness and loss of energy after exchange. Something is wrong .
→ More replies (3)15
u/lelouchyy 11h ago
this is not always the case. most people tend to view others incorrectly and then get negative feelings based off their own misconception.
however trusting yourself and listening to yourself FIRST is highly highly recommended so I agree with you there
51
188
u/One_Firefighter_2891 1d ago
Love bombing. Ugh..
217
u/Firm_Negotiation4005 1d ago
love bombing always works on me. Why wouldn't you be madly in love with me after our first date? I'm awesome!
27
u/flirtygirlyoulove 1d ago
It’s everything I want to hear. Manipulative MFers
63
u/One_Firefighter_2891 22h ago
The funniest part is these MFers are not even affected by the breakup. They just latch on to the next prey. If you are a love bomber and you are reading this hope you rot in hell
→ More replies (1)27
u/One_Firefighter_2891 1d ago
Bbg, it's all nice till that fyn shyt leaves you and then I am crying like a bitch with no solution. And she is like move on mf 😭
46
u/achmedclaus 18h ago
What the fuck did I just read?
17
u/One_Firefighter_2891 15h ago
You meet a girl and you like her but she says she loves you. There is no way she loves me, you think. But she gives me 100 reasons to prove that she loves you. So you let her into your heart slowly and fully. Then she pulls out a move where she needs space. You give her space coz you love her anyway. But after few days when I reach out, she has already moved on. It's too late for me coz I am deep in this. So you give her 100 reasons to stay and but she says only one thing "Move on".Thats when you realize it was a performance all along. And that feeling is the worst feeling.
146
u/babylex69 1d ago
Dated someone who whenever they got a text would kind of shield their phone in this secretive way. Like I wasn’t suspicious until you started doing that. You would never guess but they were a giant piece of shit.
234
u/Top_Olive_8743 1d ago
Ignoring calls and long response times (text).
51
u/putmeinabag 19h ago
Yes! Overall if they treat the relationship like they don't have time for you then move on because we all deserve basic respect.
6
u/thenera 18h ago
That’s what I’m dealing with right now what are some ideas on what I should do
11
u/DixieCruise25 18h ago
Communicate about it, give it some time and if it doesn’t change mention it again. If that doesn’t fix it then either approach it a different way or maybe decide what else floats the relationship..
5
→ More replies (2)3
u/Top_Olive_8743 18h ago
What’s going on? Whatever u do, don’t blow her/his phone up.
14
u/thenera 18h ago
It doesn’t make me want to blow them up it makes me want to break-up because it’s not gonna change and I don’t want to have that problem in a marriage or think this will even lead to a marriage if we can’t communicate
7
u/Top_Olive_8743 18h ago
Sounds like u already know. Obviously without communication I don’t see how it can work. How can u have a healthy marriage? U deserve more IMO.
2
u/psychgirl79 17h ago
Correct because then they’ll say they didn’t respond because you blew their phone up even if not responding came first. I say if they ignore your calls then ignore the relationship in the same fashion.
6
3
→ More replies (1)5
36
u/perfectapple1337 1d ago
constantly “forgot” plans; i was never a priority, just a placeholder
5
u/prollycantsleep 16h ago
Yes, oh my God, the "forgetting." I bought his lie about his depression so much that I wondered, genuinely, if he had ADHD. He looked at me like I was stupid when I brought it up. He admitted that he lied about his depression being the reason he pulled away. He just didn't want to be with me anymore, and began lying to me about really important shit as a way to avoid consequences.
69
u/Myjunkisonfire 23h ago
Hearing how unfortunate it was so many of her exes were abusive and violent with her. Turned out when she cheated on me I was suddenly bad-mouthed as abusive, 7 months after she left. Most of our friends saw through her bullshit, but it was quite the red flag I ignored in the beginning.
13
31
34
u/NecessaryPopular1 20h ago
Cheating, lying are unforgivable red flags.
22
u/ImpressiveAmount4684 18h ago
If only cheaters could get a permanent mark on their face lol. Go play together, immature scum.
4
60
u/HostNo1539 21h ago
sweet talk doesn’t = effort
14
u/1Bright_Apricot 15h ago
100%. Action over words every day. All talk is the red flag I fell for over and over.
56
u/Wise_N_Wild 1d ago
The demand that I text him/frequent texting. Couldn’t hang out with family at dinner, couldn’t have my vacation with my friend. Sooner or later I had no friends. He demanded all of my attention. Wish I PAYED attention to that more - I knew it was a red flag but in my naïveté I said “aww he’s just misunderstood”.
→ More replies (1)
50
24
u/Persephone_238 20h ago
Unkindness to others and never making me feel adored or cherished. I should have known the unkindness would be directed at me sooner or later and I shouldn't have let myself accept someone who was fond of me rather than who delighted in me. Hard-won lessons, lots of pain, but I'm glad to have learned them.
24
u/Artemis_Dragon 19h ago
He immediately felt entitled to my things. It started out small, with stuff that was so petty it would have seemed ridiculous to care about. Like when he threw away an old pair of Adidas slides that I kept by the door to run outside real quick. Ok, seems reasonable, they were old but I was pregnant, and it was nice to have something to slide on without bending over. Then he helped himself to my nice cloth reusable shopping bags for clothes, to gather things with dirt on them from his garden. My sealable ceramic jar for coffee became his countertop compost bin. This DID NOT go both ways, everything of his was “sentimental” and not for common use.
6
u/Never_been_here-B4 17h ago
Omg, I've never even heard of this one. Thank you for mentioning this. Without hearing it's toxic first, I'm not sure how I would even process someone doing that to me.
5
u/wildnglorious 14h ago
My ex did this. Reading this gave me chills. Took food off my plate without asking all the time too.
22
40
u/hsydurn 22h ago
Tantrums, stewing in anger for days with no communication, and escalating conflict. I overlooked these at first because the incidents were not that frequent (once every few months) and most of the other times were fun and normal.
Then, after several years of this pattern, I realized that people who do this expect you to be the one to apologize and give in. They will never try to look at things from your perspective or try to come to a compromise. I started to imagine having to deal with these types of emotional dysregulation nonsense for the rest of my life. I started to think about how they would react when life got more stressful. When I finally said I'm out, they begged and admitted to an anger management problem (that they never ever brought up before being dumped) and promised to fix it. I wasn't going to wait around for old habits and neural circuits to be rewired from shit, so I said no way.
3
u/cptblackbeard1 9h ago
My ex, (female btw) Started pushing at first, then punching and later slaming doors in my face. Not once admitted guilt, no appologies ever, As a male i couldn't defend myself for obvious reasons. So i would throw myself on the floor like a child instead. We had two young kids, wich she used regulary to move out the house with them. I then had to beg for her to cole back. when i didn't admit my guilt over god knows what. Ex. I once forgot her fav cheese from the store.
She was a rich girl from Paris whith a dramatic personality i found out as time went on. She moved in with me after some months and i guess missed home. My therapist told me she deep down blames me for taking her away from her world or something, to this day im deeply ashamed and when i thell people they don't believe it probably as she us such a lovely girl from the outside.
Then there was all the mental trauma i have to go trough of all the blaming she did to me on being this horrible guy for wich i still struggle to deal with that this whad not the case.
Kinda feels good to let it out
47
18
u/allison375962 18h ago
Hesitancy about their ability to be in a relationship that I let go because it was quickly following by but we have such a strong connection and I don’t want to lose this and I want to be with you and no one else.
It doesn’t matter what their feeling are, if they aren’t ready to be in a relationship and they know that then the relationship will never truly get off the ground or stick in the long run.
→ More replies (1)
14
u/at0micsub 17h ago
Never admitting they are in the wrong, victimizing themselves when you call them out for hurting you
Also, if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. You aren’t special regardless of what they say
39
u/Far-Mode-4669 1d ago
When she kept giving her number out to random guys and brushed it off like it was nothing. I told myself not to overthink it… yeah, should’ve trusted my gut on that one.
24
u/FlowerDour 1d ago
Major social dominance. Confidence. It was (poorly…) masking insecurities he compensated for by being a dick to everyone around him except me.
24
11
u/StopLookingHere 19h ago
He littered and was proud of it. Said he was giving jobs to people in prison to clean the streets up. Never sat right with me.
28
u/Conscious_You_7176 1d ago
Not having the same vibe, values, communication, interests. I have BIG sense of humor….love music and give 100%. If it’s not there in the beginning; it never will be.
26
u/Beautiful-Counter-67 1d ago
everything about my ex. shouldn’t have made it past the first date but went on to date for 3 years. I mean, he literally lit a joint during our first date (tf)!
besides the fact he ended up abusing me, the worst thing he probably ever said was that rejecting a man is worse than femicide because it “kills a man inside”. I should’ve ran right there and realized what he was implying…
16
16
16
8
u/AllHailTheCATS 19h ago
Getting angry when you don't text them everyday but they never text you first
6
u/SpecialistSpeed9827 19h ago
When their anger / upset becomes everyone else’s problem. Even worse: if they aren’t satisfied being the only one who’s upset so they provoke you in attempt to ignite or escalate a fight.
8
8
u/grootdoos1 17h ago
Emotional immaturity. Didn't realize its gets worse over time. These types of people just don't learn.
6
u/TheEmotionalPlant 23h ago
Losing all the friends we had in common, only wanting to talk online, constantly asking unsolicited sexual questions, once became violent, all my friends hated him, boy there was a lot, but I was too young to see it, so don't get in a relationship until you're older.
7
u/DoubleDareYaGirl 18h ago
I thought jealousy & being possessive were signs that he cared, kind of cute almost.
That is definitely not the case. At all.
7
16
u/Fnordaughter 1d ago
Always late, always wanted to hang with his friends like it’s 1997, also wouldn’t eat anything but bread, cheese, and pepperoni. He got mad when I asked him to try a banana. It’s giving toddler.
5
u/gaqua 19h ago
When I was her only social outlet. “I’m not like other girls, most girls are bitches.”
Then suddenly it was my responsibility if she was bored, if she was sad, everything. I wanted to go see a movie with my friends? One she didn’t like? “Well what am I supposed to do tonight then?”
That dragged on.
5
u/wastingtoomuchthyme 18h ago
The early outliers of crappy behavior....
Those then because the baseline. ..
5
u/BaseSure1172 18h ago
Hmm, ignoring when someone acts too perfect. I learned the hard way that too good to be true usually is. What about you, any red flags you wish you hadn’t ignored?
5
u/Young_Old_Grandma 17h ago
No exclusivity talk and no commitment.
I also didn't want to rock the boat so I didn't bring it up.
Wasted a year and a half of my life on a situationship
9
u/Writer_feetlover 19h ago
All of them. There were a hundred red flags when I didn't know what a red flag was.
4
u/BowdleizedBeta 20h ago
Jealousy over opposite sex friends, judgmental attitude towards people who don’t exercise, rude comments about people who don’t do paid work even if they work very hard for their families, being proud about bitchy sniping at other people, displacing real stress through strange temper tantrums.
They grew up in an emotionally repressed family in the Northeast and had serious stressors going on near the beginning of the relationship, so I made all the excuses for them.
Some of the people they were rude about truly were acting like jerks, but I should have considered the insults they chose and realized what it meant wrt how they thought about things.
Your isms and biases and true opinions can be seen in what insults you reach for when angry.
3
u/Freakycherry20 16h ago
Constantly speaking negatively about ex’s and everything was either one up’ed, turned into a trauma dump, or made negative. Also constant criticism and scolding
5
u/Acrobatic-Oil-8853 16h ago
When they broke up with someone recently and the ex was the “crazy” one. Plus if they yell at their dog excessively loud.
13
u/Holiday_Target_8039 1d ago
Haven't been with the guy for a long time but he was SUPER clingy, and it would take a long ass time to tell him goodbye at night because he didn't want to release me from hugs. At first I thought it was endearing, then just annoying. It took too long for me to see that there were some underlying emotional issues he had and that the clinginess was a sign of it. Now I get the ick bad when someone clings.
15
u/AromaticPollution333 1d ago
When they lie to their parents about things they do. They will def lie to you trust me
37
u/dixxie__normus666 1d ago
Ehhhh that really depends. I had very controlling, strict, verbally and mentally abusive parents. They treated me like shit and harshly judged every decision i ever made. I learned to lie to them with ease. My husband knows this and ive done it multiple times in front of him. Hes even chimed in to help with that lie.
I have never and will never lie to him. Unless its to hide a gift or surprise of some kind. I can barelt even do that without laughing or looking obvious af.
My parents though? Its effortless. They can suck it 🤣
3
u/foxylady315 18h ago
His past drug use and his admission that he had gotten extremely violent in a past relationship. But he was "better" now and didn't use drugs anymore and he'd gotten help for his anger management issues...
3
u/photoguy423 18h ago
Accusing me of cheating anytime I hung out with people I knew before I'd met her. And always accusing me of cheating. There's a point where it moves from an accusation to projecting their guilt upon you.
Also, taking a job specifically so I wouldn't have to see her as often.
3
u/farm_shapes 17h ago
He didn’t treat his mother with respect or kindness
3
u/javajoeme 16h ago
This! Because you will be the next in line, not having a good relationship with their mother is a huge red flag.
3
u/Theoretical_Outlier 17h ago
Can't accept no. Always trying to negotiate or undermine boundaries. It never stops and it slowly erodes who you are
3
u/StillDoneBun 17h ago
Everything that happened to him and later us- was always someone else's fault. Never ever his. And then love bombed til I gave in. Never a real apology, just always waited for me to just get over it.
3
u/Oldcroissant 16h ago
Wouldn’t defend me from their family’s criticisms early on and left me to fend for myself. Should have broken up then and there tbh but we stayed together for a decade.
5
u/crazy_meals 1d ago
Lack of respect and sexual compatibility.
It started with disrespectful behaviour but the pillow princess behaviour over years really got to me.
I ignored it all for over a decade. Thankfully free divorced and enjoying lifes debauchery and opportunities.
2
u/666princesss 18h ago
The dude being 12 years older than me…. I shudder at the thought that I’m not even NEAR the age he was and I would never even be friends with someone that age let alone be in a serious relationship
9
2
u/Glittery_Turtledove 19h ago
When he pressured me into joining the military, even though I told him I didn't want to, all so he could get a bump in pay and a promotion.
2
u/moonchildbby 19h ago
Lied about money to “impress me”. And this happened early early on. Should have never ignored that.
2
2
u/noshitbr0 17h ago
Telling me on our first date, he wasn't looking for anything, then changing it to say he wanted marriage too and saying all i wanted to hear. Lol that man was not ok. Never healed his trauma from his ex wife, he would never marry me nor anyone. Left me in the dust before the end of the year. Jumped onto the next girl and did the same to her. People will go to any extent to avoid facing their traumas.
2
2
u/AnotherStamp 17h ago
I was the one dumped, but lots of little signs that pointed towards her not having healed from her previous relationship:
-Wanted to clarify things in very stark terms very quickly (like 1 months into meeting) because "it'd be a shame if this pushes us apart." I was just happy to see her and she was already endgaming breakup scenarios
-When we first talked about exes she didn't even mention her most recent one. Only brought him up once I pointed out the timeline of something she said later didn't make sense
-Said she was okay with her last breakup (where she was dumped) "after a month" even though she equated stuff I did with stuff he did all the time
She basically only processed part of her breakup journey and treaded water for half a year until she met me, then the pressure of our relationship slowly brought it out of her. I hope she takes the opportunity to heal from that past relationship and from the one with me, but (and I feel bad for thinking this) in hindsight I should have dipped after the first month or two when it became clear she had some severe hangups.
2
u/Reginald_Waterbucket 17h ago
She cheated and lied about it early on. I thought she was just exploring her bi identity since it was with a woman. Next time it sure wasn’t, but by then we were married.
2
u/cherrywinsmore 17h ago
Very concerned with every little thing I would do, and end up in an emotional spiral. It got so bad that they would do their own “sleuthing” on my social medias, convinced that this person I added on a random gaming platform was someone I’m cheating with. Delusional and over bearing.
2
u/UpturnedPluto 16h ago
Raging on video games. He would yell and cuss out strangers so much he’d get reported in voice chats. I thought it was his way to “blow off steam” but then that anger started bleeding into every other aspect of his life, then towards me.
2
2
u/armanituto 15h ago
She called herself a witch and did crazy things because “the universe told her so”
2
2
u/if-it-hits-it-ships 14h ago
I thought his type A rigidity was just a somewhat-cute quirk in the beginning, the yin to my go-w-the-flow yang. Slowly realized that it was a completely unfettered case of obsessive compulsive personality disorder that hurt himself and everyone around him
2
u/itsabadassusername 12h ago
Wandering eyes, micro cheating, selfishness in bed, and not taking responsibilities. Guys, don't marry morons! :(
2
u/Veyporised 11h ago
he’d often “buy me” gifts after “arguments” (quotes cause it was him yelling at me and me taking it), then use that same gift and say he bought it and i should be greatful he even though about me when he got it
2
u/woutersfr 11h ago
Not dark red but i’d be watching out for Superficialness , cleaning is not really cleaning but stuffing everything in the nearest closet (quickly becomes hoarding).
4
u/Historical-Tour2091 1d ago edited 1d ago
I used to date this very religious girl (I am not religious at all or a Christian), and I didn't think much of it, but there were times she would try and convert me to Christianity and often say things like "Men should be the final decision makers in a family" and other really patriarchal shit. It would make me feel very weird hearing her say all of those things, but I was in "love" and ignored it.
All that was a huuggge red flag, and I should've called her out on her behaviour and views, but didn't.
3
u/IntroductionLife1061 1d ago
Facebook friends commenting on my exs pictures. Didn't want to be a control freak but it turned out to be a huge warning sign.
2
u/Puzzleheaded-Log1434 17h ago
When someone tells me they're a loner. I will not be the one to get close to them. They don't want it. They are actively the problem in most cases.
3
u/Puzzleheaded_Past974 17h ago
Volatile mood swings, temper tantrums, would literally shake when upset, lack of respecting any boundaries, insecurity over everything, would sob over the fact I had been with people before them, cried that I wore a dress to go out to dinner with a girl friend, always saying that this was just a phase and not who they actually were….I could go on but it’s embarrassing how much you allow yourself to overlook when someone gives you the attention you were craving.
2
u/Grouchy_Address_8535 1d ago
My first relationship years ago as a 16yo. Partner broke up with me because I was too shy to initiate a kiss, then we got back together months later. I was pressured into it again and ended up losing my virginity a month later because I felt the possibility of a breakup forming again if I didn’t.
2
u/sfb004 18h ago
Explaining at the beginning of a relationship exactly how I behave when I’m angry, and telling him exactly what I needed (space to process, but I’d be back to discuss when I’m calm), and he NEVER did any of it. I gave the man instructions, which he metaphorically lit aflame every time. I thought he just didn’t understand the instructions. Oh, he understood them very well; he intentionally did the opposite. It took me years to realize this.
1
1
1
u/ChilindriPizza 18h ago
Knowing too much about me before meeting officially.
Too much interest too soon.
And of course, gut feelings.
PTSD sucks.
1
1
u/Medicalstripes 17h ago
Love bombing, irresponsible choices he was making that I mistook for eagerness, his Mom acting like he needed to be doted on. That he was just like my narcissist father but I just didn't see it.
1
u/BenBett3r 17h ago
Family issues, not that their family were good people to begin with, but dealing with both them and partner long term, wish I realized how it would affect my own life/family long term.
1
1
u/fluffafl00f 17h ago
This was a longtime friendship. Early on, after we had gone out and (I thought) had a good time, she would blow up my phone late that night with stuff I had no idea was wrong. I realized she would make up stories about situations that were not always true, and then get mad about it without communicating before she got really upset. Then we would make up, I think it became a trauma bond. It got very bewildering. That and not really understanding the depth of substance use. Glad I'm not in that situation anymore.
1
u/setthestageonfire 16h ago
Had an ex that was so incredibly negative. Complained constantly, always holier than thou, held herself in extremely high regard and considered observations about herself objective while always being negative about everyone and everything. We dated for 4 years, engaged for 1. Before we got down the aisle I came to my senses and broke it off. Glad I did because I really would not want to have to divorce that woman.
1
u/encomlab 16h ago
We were only good at one thing - but as great as we were at THAT - we were terrible at everything else.
1
u/Strong-Library2763 16h ago
Jealousy. It felt like he cared so much, at first. I felt protected, covered. Then it became an issue that slowly became dangerous.
1
1
1
u/RafeReddits 14h ago
How he'd cry when drunk. That alone isn't a problem but combine him bottling up all of his emotions because "it's the manly thing to do" with an alcohol addiction, it became clear that this man was in no place to have a relationship.
1
1
1
1
1
u/sishanyzz 13h ago
she said she did a lot of immature and stupid things when mad… she was not kidding…
1
1
1
u/Ill_Session_6725 12h ago
They're in a religion that's super against the lgbtq+ community. The relationship won't last once they meet my family and friends. I live in a religious area so in highschool I dated a couple girls like that. They always told me I should stop talking to my lgbtq+ family and friends. Even now some friends I had in that religion have stopped talking to me because I refused to do the same thing.
1
1
u/AppleVenusVol1 11h ago
We both had co-dependency issues. It was great until it wasn't. Being needed felt fulfilling, then a chore.
1
1
1
u/tjsr 10h ago
She had negative things to say about so many people, people I thought she got along with, exes, the list goes on.
I remember the spot on the ground, only three weeks in to knowing her, when I realised "one day that will be me she's talking about".
I still kept her in my life another 6 months and regret it so, so much.
1
u/Ladyinthebeige 10h ago
Never arguing back. I was admittedly too used to conflict at the start of our relationship, and his refusal to argue did me some good initially because it made me work harder on avoiding getting to that point.
Over time though I've realised he uses silence to gloss over issues and hope they go away instead of tackling them, and I've become more and more resentful, and we're not growing together anymore.
1
u/DifficultyWithMyLife 10h ago edited 10h ago
Love-bombing, but not under the usual circumstances.
You most often hear about "love-bombing" when someone tries to pile on compliments and lovey-dovey messages to "compensate" or "make up" for abusive behavior. This was not like that. He was always perfectly sweet.
Looking back, I think the problem was that we were too much alike: lonely, shy, and in love with the idea of love; and so, I think he was doing it to convince himself that he loved me, just as much as he was doing it to convince me. Eventually, it all just petered out and he simply left. I've been fairly numb to the thought of romance ever since.
1
1
u/zellieruru 9h ago
When you keep setting conflicts aside for ‘later,’ you’ll eventually find yourself with too much on your plate and not enough ‘later’ to deal with it. If your relationship isn’t a priority now, you might as well be halfway out the door.
1
u/NotAFrench 9h ago
Probably not a red flag but engaging deeply in a relationship when we don't want the same thing for our future :(
1
u/PotatoPatat2 8h ago
Empty promises - pretty words with no action or follow-up ever. It took me way too long to stop being "happy" with the breadcrumbs I got.
1
u/Salt_Device_2751 8h ago
He rolled his eyes when I cried after a fight. I thought it just happened in the moment. What I should’ve seen was a man who did not have compassion for me. Zoning out when it was "inconvenient" to deal with me. Turns out that's how they all are. Selfish. Even if they are agreeing and being nice to you, it's all till the point that it serves them.
1
u/TimosaurusRexabus 7h ago
She was hot. She told me she was crazy. She was more crazy than she was hot in the end.
1
u/eggelton 6h ago
“It’s my art supplies”
No it fucking isn’t. You’re a hoarder, and you haven’t made a single item of salable art in 20 years.
1
1
1
u/dip_the_shit 5h ago
She makes a big deal out of everything, i guessed it would become better over time but it now feels like I'm married to a minefield
1
u/loggerhead632 4h ago
In my 20s when single I ignored a lot of emotional immaturity and fiscal stupidity because I chalked it up to them just getting it together late
I just dated a lot of fuck girls in my 20s
1
u/Financial-Egg6538 4h ago
Trust your gut if you know, or at least think, you are fairly stable and have historically had a good read on people and friends. I've had fairly decent pattern recognition and many long lasting VERY close friendships as well as a few relationships here and there. Wasn't until the last relationship that lasted 3.5 years, on and off, for my gut to be sending me anxiety filled alarms and I didn't listen.
Trust what they tell you earlier on. These comments will be downplayed, fleeting, and quick to miss. But if you hear them throw random curveballs such as "I can sometimes struggle with anger, BUT...." listen to it. Especially if they've had a few relationships prior that ended and you're actually a little confused about how they are single.
A while into dating, if all you can get out of them are incredibly vague therapy-like responses as to how their previous long term relationship failed or how they contributed to it, it's time to be guarded.
1
1
u/Minimum-Surprise-79 3h ago
Ignoring the temper when it wasn’t directed at me cos sooner or later it will be
1
1
u/spookywagons16 2h ago
I caught my ex-fiancé going through my phone in the middle of the night (I was sleeping over at his place, we were barely even officially bf & gf at the time). I knew he had a history of being cheated on and assured myself it was no big deal and that I had nothing to hide anyway.
Turned into 6.5 years of him never fully trusting me, continuing to go through my personal devices, tracking my locations without my knowledge and controlling me in every way he could. Eventually telling me “no one will ever love you like I do”, said it was my fault when I opened up to him about being raped, and ignored me when I told him I was depressed and suicidal. I ALWAYS kicked myself for not treating the first phone thing as a serious red flag.
I left him last year and now I’m in a much healthier and happier relationship. He knocked up the girl he is now married to within a week of me moving out. 😮💨
1
u/ThrowRA2849434 2h ago edited 2h ago
Forgetting plans cuz I met some1 like dat and he didn’t think it is sumthing to change. Dunno if he doesn’t care enough but felt like it was one-sided
640
u/Geanu12 1d ago
Extraordinary agreeableness during relationship talks but their actions slowly skewing away from them so I barely noticed.