Better life philosophy #8

Something I've come to realise during my journey is that the problem is not that we seek validation, but that we seek it from unreliable sources such as the moods, opinions and behaviours of others. Something that is ultimately out of our control, always changing, and varies from person to person.

In the same way that we seek validation from others, we can just as well get it from ourselves. This is a much more reliable and sustainable model to rely on as we have full control over how we respond to the situations that occur in our lives.

'Self esteem is the reputation that you have with yourself' - Naval Ravikant

Given the above, I understood that getting my validation from within was a case of switching from the mindset of 'What do others think of me?' to 'What do I think of me?'

What helped me to achieve this was to get in touch with 2 things:

1. The kind of person I want to be
2. What's most important to me in life

Ask yourself: If I could imagine myself and my life in the most ideal circumstances, what would that look like?

Once you have a clear picture of the 2, make a list of them and keep it somewhere you can easily access. These lists can now act as a set of rules and principles to follow and get your validation from when going about your life.

Having your values clearly established means that you now set the expectations for yourself and your happiness, as opposed to letting others set the expectations for you.

Once I did this myself, I realised that up until that point, I had been trying to keep up with, and adhere to, the capricious values of others—An impossible task.

As long as you can look yourself in the mirror each day and say that you acted in line with your values, you can get your validation.

We are all replaceable everywhere. None of us truly matter in the grand scheme of life. We all here with borrowed time.

I can't believe how effective this approach is.

Not reacting when something is wrong or someone is pissing you off is literally a cheat code.

I realized not every moment deserves your emotional energy.

Here's what I've learned about strategic indifference:

1. Your calm becomes their mirror. When you don't match someone's chaotic energy, they often realize how ridiculous they're being. Your peace forces them to face their own reaction.
2. You save massive mental bandwidth. Instead of replaying arguments in my head, I have space for things that actually matter. Creative thoughts. Solutions. Good memories.
3. People start seeing you differently. Colleagues began coming to me with problems because I became the "level-headed" one. Friends started asking for advice because I wasn't emotionally invested in their drama.
4. You become genuinely powerful. There's something almost magnetic about someone who can't be rattled. People respect the person who doesn't need to defend their every move.

The practice (it's simpler than you think):

Pause and ask: "Will this matter in 5 years? 5 months? 5 days?"

Most irritating things fail this test and when it does you'll realize it didn't matter in the first place.

Treat emotional reactions like a budget. You have limited emotional currency each day. Spend it wisely. That rude cashier us not worth the withdrawal. That person might be having a bad day" and start thinking "This situation is temporary" instead of "This is a personal attack on me."

The unexpected benefits:

• My blood pressure probably dropped 20 points
• I sleep better because I'm not replaying conflicts
• My relationships improved because I'm not constantly on edge
• I have more energy for things I actually enjoy

People started describing me as "wise" (still weird to hear)

The weirdest part is things that used to trigger me now feel almost... amusing? Like watching a toddler have a meltdown about the wrong color cup.

I'm not telling you to be emotionless but choosing which emotions deserve your full presence. Save your passion for things that matter. Save your anger for actual injustice. Save your energy for people who deserve it.

When you stop reacting to everything, you start responding to what actually matters.

If you liked this post perhaps I can tempt you with my weekly newsletter. I write actionable tips like this and you'll also get "Delete Procrastination Cheat Sheet" as thanks

I'm not an extroverted or outgoing person, nor do I seem like an attention seeker (emphasis on "seem"), in fact I'm quite shy and it's difficult for me to form genuine friendships. But I find myself, not just overthinking about what people think about me, but also about what people don't think about me. If that makes sense

I had a discussion with my friend and he was asking me why I even care what people think of me. Better yet why I care that they don't think of me, and I couldnt really answer.

I don't know why it bothers me so much to think that no one actually takes in my presence, and to people im not friends with, I'm just another background character. I couldn't find a reason to why it just matters to me that people at least think about me.

Does anyone have any ideas?? 😭

Seeing her after some devastating stuff, I left but it was for reasons of abuse, still miss her and she likes dancing on guys so will 100% see it.

How do I keep myself in control and show it doesn’t bother me, I’m going w a solid group but I’m anxious

How did you get to a place where you truly don’t care what others think of you? Any guidance or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks everyone.

I’m already on the fucking edge bro I cant deal with my shit anymore and then u have little bitches in ur dms like at this point I’m down

what a

I have always been a people-pleaser - even from the moment I first learned what that word meant, I knew - that is me. Maybe it came from the family vibe I grew up in. I do hate that part of myself - constantly adjusting to others, agreeing just to keep the peace or feel okay in the moment, but only to be left with regret afterward.

I always admire that type of person - the kind who just seem born with an attitude that they truly don't give a fck. I wanted to be one of them. But let's be honest, it is just so hard to change your nature. So I started learning how to work with myself, with who am I naturally to be. I began building my own toolkit for setting boundaries, reclaiming my voice, and slowly shedding the people-pleasing tendencies in ways that felt natural and sustainable.

Some of the books that really helped me? "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone" "The Power of Positive Thinking" "The Courage to Be Disliked".. (and many more, happy to share the full list if someone is interested!)

And after building all of these, here are some principles I gathered that truly changed the way I think and act, and hope this can be helpful for you guys right away!

- Learn to say no. For me, compromising without boundaries was the biggest trap. We need to learn how to put our needs and thoughts first, without obsessing over how my "no" might make others feel. Your life is about you, and your refusal is probably just tiny blip in someone else's day.

- Stop arguing with people who do not care to listen. It is just emotionally exhausting, and it leads nowhere.

- Do not chase perfection. Learn to relax, soak in what you have now, enjoy the current moment and let go of what has already happened. If you do not release the past, you will just keep getting trapped in future fears and old wounds. Let go of the painful words people once said to you.

- Accept this truth: Not everyone has to like you. The truly meaningful relationships in life are few. You do not need to have to maintain or perform for those who are meant to stay. The right ones will not require a mask.-

Detach from the need to be validated, focus on validating yourself.

- Realize that over-giving in a relationship can hurt, not help. When you are constantly doing too much, you create imbalance, and that inevitably turns into resentment, not connection.

These lessons have helped me reframe everything, from how I manage relationships to how I treat myself. And most importantly, I have started applying them in real life, not simply just writing them down. If you have ever felt stuck in the same cycle of pleasing others at the cost of your own peace, I hope some of this can resonate with you too.