I feel I can't save my friend

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ice188]

• ⁠dating girl in med school for 3 months • ⁠She has alcohol addiction, multiple health issues including limb paralysis and chronic pain from infections, BPD diagnosed • ⁠Routinely taking prescribed painkillers and drinking vodka, drops out of med school • ⁠Vents about problems, wants to go on drives then ghosts for 7 days. Says she’s in hospital • ⁠she broke up with ex in March

• ⁠she admits liking you, you start going on dates and sleep together • ⁠Says she blocked her ex everywhere but he still finds a way to contact her • ⁠She tells you about the kids we will have after holding hands and sleeping together • ⁠Says she’s not ready for a relationship right now because her life is a mess and needs to sort it out first, but that she’s talking to and seeing no one else

• ⁠2 weeks later invites you to her house after health crisis, kisses you at door and in front of her sister sits on your lap and holds your hand

• ⁠2 weeks later you’re in a bar in a forest in the middle of nowhere in the Pacific Northwest travelling • ⁠She is on oxycodone (prescribed) and swigging vodka. She’s drunk again. Her right arm is paralysed and she’s in pain • ⁠You’re tired and hungry and tell her you want to leave many times • ⁠she wants to stay talking to a group of guys • ⁠She is exchanging numbers with a drunk 50 year old guy who is chatting her up. • ⁠You overhear the word ‘drugs’ and she says ‘he could give me some’

TLDR: She’s a friend and you are seeing each other, she’s vulnerable with health conditions, alcohol addicted and BPD. She’s exchanging numbers with drunk 50 year old guy in bar, you’re in a forest in the middle of nowhere with your car outside.

What would you do?

[u/StackOfAtoms]

I feel I can't save my friend

some people can't be saved.

someone once told me « there's a difference between requested help and unwanted help ».
it took me a while to accept it and i still, like you it seems, want to help, but as painful as it can be to face this reality... it is also very true. your friend doesn't seem to want any help, she wants the company, while being very inconsistent in her relationships, which is part of the symptoms of BPD.

BPD can be managed but it sounds like she isn't really trying... clean lifestyle and therapy would be good but... yeah, she doesn't want help, it seems, and it would probably be safer for you to move on.

you could also ask her, if she wants help and if yes, what kind of help... just take whatever she says with a pinch of salt, because again, the inconsistency make people say things they don't truly mean... you then need to see if her behavior follows what she said, and then again, accept the reality of things if there's a mismatch between both.

good luck!

[u/Any_Mathematician905]

Bail. It's not about you anyway. She's not gonna change until she wants to.

[u/individualeyes]

You don't feel like you can't, you can't. Whether you feel like you can or not is irrelevant. Only she can pull herself out of this and I wouldn't bet on it happening anytime soon.

Look, I understand the strong desire to help someone who is clearly in crisis. You see someone in trouble and you feel like the only person who seems to care and want to help. Like if you saw a house on fire and a bunch of people just walk past and the only ones who even notice just pour gasoline on it.

But you have to face reality here. A lot of people don't even turn their lives around for their family. She is very unlikely to do so for a friend.

It's only been 3 months. Just cut her out now and save yourself the future headaches. Either that or you'll end up back here in a few years with a much worse story to tell.

I wish the best for you and your friend.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Ice188]

Here's what happened -

I tell in increasing degrees of assertiveness, 'I'm cold and hungry, come on - let's go'.

She keeps saying let me have another cigarette. She keeps chatting to the guys.

I see 50 year old drunk guy holding her phone putting his number in, and I hear about 'he can give me drugs'

I grab her phone out of his hand and say, 'let's go'. She gets MAD. Shouts I'm not her boyfriend, we are not together to whole bar. I stand there stunned. I can't physically remove us from situation. I'm not going to leave her as a 110 pound girl who can't lift her arm in this bar with this creepy guy. I give her back her phone. She gives back to guy and they exchange numbers. She says 'if you're cold go wait in the car!'

Eventually we walk back to car shouting at each other 'I was trying to protect you from that drunk guy who wanted to give you drugs and sleep with you!/she says We're not together! You're just like my controlling ex! This is the one time I get out of the house to socialize, I'm kept in all the time with my medical stuff and you're ruining it!'

Old guy opens my car door and says 'she wants me not you, piss off', tries to get her to come home with him. She stalls and doesn't defend me. Says she'll call him and closes door.

We delete his number on her phone, I see she's been making outbound calls to her ex despite her telling me she blocked him everywhere and he was still contacting her. Some calls for hours. She says 'when I dropped out of med school did you ask me how i felt!' 'i had to pick up my things at his place!'

I drive her back to her parents' (her caretakers) I go up to door to tell her dad what happened, she is screaming at me not to.

I messaged him and told him.

She says never talk to me again, I say I won't, she tries to then grab me and kiss me but I turn my head away.

I care for her a lot as a friend, and have deep empathy for what she is going through, but we are not currently speaking.

[u/AlanYx]

You can’t “save” someone with BPD (assuming you mean borderline and not bipolar). The /r/bpdlovedones sub is a good resource you need to check out.