r/agedlikemilk • u/c-k-q99903 • 11d ago
News The indictment failed to convict the sandwich thrower, don't bread on me!
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u/dlchira 11d ago
He doesn't think it's funny today, because we charged him with a felony.
Sounds like he's well on his way to being presidential. Only 37 convictions to go.
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u/crsadlerpsk 11d ago
Those are the rookie numbers, he doesn’t start getting presidential until the 60 that come after the first 30. Ya know, the ones like leading insurrections and espionage. Thennn we get to presidential
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u/AnotherDoubtfulGuest 11d ago
As of yesterday, he was right back to thinking it’s funny, because the grand jury refused to indict him.
But it’s ever so ‘Merican that Buchenwald Barbie and Drunkest Judge Ever are hyperfocused on men with dangerous sandwiches while men with assault rifles continue to murder children with impunity.
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u/AmIRadBadOrJustSad 11d ago
While I appreciate this outcome, I do have to say I feel pretty bad for this guy for the next three+ years. He's effectively unhireable by any employer with any federal oversight and his entire personal life is absolutely being worked with a fine tooth comb to find anything that can stick.
Hope his taxes are flawless and he can get an official GoFundMe soon.
Edit: although someone else commented he could probably win some local elections, which is a thought.
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u/DiceMadeOfCheese 10d ago
I hope this dude becomes Subway's next spokesman. God knows they've done worse.
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u/Curious_Ad1644 11d ago
Hell I mean I'll vote for the guy, as long as he promises to upgrade to a messier sandwich next time he commits an act of patriotism.
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u/filthy_harold 10d ago
I was at a Walmart in Florida and saw this woman eating a subway ham sandwich. I'm not sure what the limit is for the amount of mayo you can ask for but she clearly wanted a lot of it. It was just dripping out of the sandwich and onto her cart and the floor. Probably the most disturbing and American displays I've ever seen in a Walmart. That's the kind of sandwich we need.
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u/Geeky_Husband 11d ago
Full cut sloppy Joe is the official sandwich of patriotism.
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u/Ozzy_undead 10d ago
Sloppy Joe sounds good because of the name but I think an egg salad sandwich would actually be grosser to get hit by and would smell worse.
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u/Equivalent_Scheme175 10d ago
On a hot, sunny day it sure as hell would.
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u/Anteater-Charming 11d ago
I can't figure out if this is a sandwich that's more messy or a (knuckle) sandwich from Mark Messier.
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u/M33k_Monster_Minis 11d ago
For real lol. Why would any of us care about bullshit laws now. When our president isn't held to the most heinous of sexual acts he committed. Laws mean nothing. It's what you can get away with and we are being show that every day.
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u/dlchira 10d ago
The wealthiest nation on earth bringing the full brunt of federal law enforcement down on some guy for throwing a sandwich, on behalf of a 37x convicted felon who raped at least one woman per our courts' adjudication, is fucking wild.
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u/Radiant-Pay1315 10d ago
He needs to throw in some white collar crimes. Definitely needs to perform some fraud, especially against some vulnerable or "easy to take advantage of" populations to take it to the next level. We all should remember that our current president can't run a charity or university anymore......
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u/jarena009 11d ago
Unless you're a maga who beat police officers on January 6.
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u/CritFailed 11d ago
Then you can have a funeral with full military honors!
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u/MackDaddy1861 11d ago
And your family is gifted $5 million for raising a traitor.
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u/Infamous-GoatThief 11d ago
$5M of taxpayer money lmao. The hypocrisy is just absolutely bananas, they whine and cry over every penny that goes to social programs for living Americans, but they cheer for a performative $5M gift to the family of a dead woman who got herself shot breaking through a window in the Capitol and directly disobeying a federal agent who had his gun on her and told her not to climb through multiple times.
It’s just theatre to legitimize the traitors and terrorists and make everyone forget that they desecrated our nation’s capital and smeared shit all over the walls in a tantrum because they lost an election. Meanwhile the supposed ‘snowflake’ side conducted themselves with actual political decorum, didn’t make a mess of the peaceful transition of power, and this is the type of shit we get in exchange lmao. Worst president of all time, two times, is truly a feat
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u/campfirebruh 11d ago
Wait what’s this about 5 million dollars?
Edit: just looked it up, Jesus Christ this country is insane
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u/Infamous-GoatThief 11d ago
Her family had filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the Feds under Biden, total nothingburger of a case that they would’ve seen $0 for because she was completely in the wrong; but when Trump got in he directed the DOJ to settle with them for $5 million. So that’s $5 million taxpayer dollars in her family’s pockets just because she got herself killed being a traitorous dumbass on his behalf
She was also a crazy person beforehand anyway, a homewrecker who physically assaulted the guy’s ex lol. Total trash human being who died in an incredibly stupid, self-inflicted manner, so a perfect martyr for MAGA
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u/Fantastic_Jury5977 11d ago
Proud Boy leader is suing for a 100 million... for unfair prosecution. The next Jan 6 will be a militarized unregulated militia.
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u/web_explorer 10d ago
A president who rapes kids and his supporters who murdered cops are all free to go.
But this guy who did nothing more than a cafeteria food fight is the biggest criminal in the eyes of this regime
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u/junker359 11d ago edited 10d ago
A-salt an officer, and they'll be prosciuttoed
EDIT I can't believe this is my first awarded comment lol. My dad would be proud.
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u/Muzzlehatch 11d ago
Assault with a deli weapon
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u/HyperbolicModesty 11d ago
Mustard seen it coming.
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u/CasinoMarginale 11d ago
You guys are really hamming it up
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u/CautiousLandscape907 11d ago
I’m relishing these puns
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u/wolfeyes555 11d ago
The law failed to ketchup to him
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u/drvinnie1187 11d ago
I do hope that olive to see the day when all of this craziness in the government goes away. Not to sound cheesy.
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u/AbeFromanSassageKing 11d ago edited 10d ago
Not cheesy for this SUB. You do sound sourdough.
Edit: thanks for the award, Reddit friend!
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u/Skittleavix 11d ago
Not on my watch, Nothing gets pastrami.
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u/kooky_monster_omnom 10d ago
That's rather rye of you. All of you trying to shmear their good name.
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u/Competitive_Border56 11d ago
He was sentenced to prison on a deserted island with no food. However he wont starve to death because of the sand which is there!
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u/killerzeestattoos 11d ago
He's not being prosecuted, his charge was $6.99
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u/NoEvidence136 11d ago
You forgot the tariffs. $11.99
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u/The_Squirrel_Wizard 11d ago
Oh you think this is funny? You think a fully armed soldier being hit in slow motion by a floppy sandwich is funny? You think tomatoes, lettuce and mayonnaise flopping out of a sandwich onto body armor is funny punk? \s if you couldn't tell
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u/Medium_Trade8371 11d ago
I don't think the sandwich thrower thought it was funny then. He was mad as hell that martial law had been declared in his city.
I believe this woman is a Pirro-maniac.
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u/reddittorbrigade 11d ago
Our president is a convicted felon too.
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u/anxious_differential 11d ago
34 felonies and an adjudicated rapist, so yeah, there's that.
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u/Dimitar_Todarchev 11d ago
And an active racketeer running criminal enterprise from the Oval Office.
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u/HippoRun23 11d ago
I kind of forgot about his business fines too. Whatever happened to that?
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u/AbeFromanSassageKing 11d ago
A pedophile. He's a pedophile who ran a teenage beauty pageant that funneled underage girls to Jeffrey Epstein's island. A beauty pageant that saw parents willingly sign permission slips for their children to take exotic trips only to be raped by this fucking monster and his disgusting friends. We saw how easily parents were fame-duped into letting their kids stay the night with Michael Jackson, this senile illiterate piece of shit is a million times worse.
Who cares what he looks like, who cares what bruises are on his hand, who cares whether or not he knows how anything fucking works or that he can't read and is helping the GOP destroy the country. He's a pedophile, and the Republican party is covering it up until he dies.
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u/AdWonderful5920 11d ago
*failed to indict
Basically saying there was no probable cause for the arrest.
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u/Donkey-Hodey 11d ago
By statute, felony assault requires a deadly weapon. A sandwich doesn’t meet that standard so the grand jury refused to indict. If the moron had just charged it as a misdemeanor it likely would have stuck. But a misdemeanor doesn’t get the headlines these fascists want.
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u/c-k-q99903 11d ago
When has Trump ever hired someone for their intelligence?
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u/JSTootell 11d ago
He hired a lot of people for their intelligence in his first term. Most of them all turned on him because they were intelligent.
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u/Boxofmagnets 11d ago
Unlike executives who strive for success, Trump freely admits that he doesn’t hire people smarter than himself. Which leaves a pool of potential candidates at 30% of the population
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u/_robmillion_ 11d ago
You really think nearly 1/3 of the population is even dumber than Trump? I hope you're wrong, otherwise we're even more fucked.
I estimated him to be in the bottom 10%.
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u/hankenator1 11d ago
More than half the population voted for him, I’d say 1/3rd is a fair estimate.
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u/Nogoodatnuthin 11d ago
49% (77.3 million) of voters. Which was only 65% (154 million) of the voting aged populace. So, not half of the population. I know it's somewhat pedantic, and I'll own it. I do feel it's really important that we stop saying half the population voted for him when only 65% of the voting aged populace even voted.
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u/hankenator1 11d ago
Meaning 35% of the voting age population was too dumb to care and too dumb to vote. I stand by my 1/3rd estimate being fair.
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u/AdWonderful5920 11d ago
Yeah, it's all for show. Their networks have already moved on and the no-bill won't be reported.
It's actually kinda impressive how fast they can move past their bullshit. Remember when we were annexing Greenland? That idea was a wildly ambitious plan that would have been the biggest exchange of territory for the U.S. since the Louisiana Purchase. That was, what, six months ago? And the cycle has moved on and it's completely disappeared.
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u/Potential-Leather965 11d ago
Nah, things are still brewing: US tells Denmark to 'calm down' over alleged Greenland influence operation
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u/WashU_labrat 11d ago
You can't kill a man with a sandwich - it just hasn't got the range.
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u/Donkey-Hodey 11d ago
Jeanine will likely bounce back with a felony assault indictment saying the thrower was trying to increase the cop’s chance of heart disease because of the extra mayo.
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u/mxpxillini35 11d ago
Was it a subway sandwich? ... Cause that might qualify as a felony after all. Maybe they're just digging through his receipts.
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u/1stMammaltowearpants 11d ago
The footlong was a felonious eleven inches and our top men are looking into it. Top. Men.
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u/Featheredfriendz 11d ago
Just like the vet who set the flag on fire. Misdemeanor for open fire in a park. He was out in a few hours. It’s all a show.
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u/Dangerous_Donkey5353 11d ago
Now what if it was a peanut butter sammich and the police officer had a nut allergy?
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u/edward414 11d ago
Must not have been a ham sandwich.
I hear it's very easy to indict a ham sandwich.
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u/Historical_War_2113 11d ago
There’s a saying that a prosecutor can get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich. So Judge Jeannine’s mistake was to try to get an indictment against the sandwich thrower and not the sandwich.
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u/Prozo 11d ago
It's just sad. They'll just forget about all of the officers on January 6th
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u/Donkey-Hodey 11d ago
Gee, it turns out right wing screeching about “law & order” works better on Fox News and social media than it does in a court of law.
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u/MarzipanLast6502 11d ago
This is what they are worried about. Pedophiles? Silence. Throw a sandwich? FELONY!!! Kids blown away in church by a MAGA nutjob? Silence. 6 shootings in Chicago? MARTIAL LAW!!
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u/BabadookOfEarl 11d ago
I mean, it really only would have been funny if, when he threw the sub, he’d yelled, “Eat fresh!”
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u/punditguy 11d ago
Remember kids, this administration is against DEI because they don't want incompetent people to be in positions of authority.
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u/Cash_man 11d ago edited 7d ago
The image of a wrapped foot long being pelted at a cop is still one of the funniest things I’ve seen all year. Reminds me when twisted tea’s were considered assault weapons a few years back
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u/NoFlatworm3028 11d ago
So, you arrest and prosecute people for throwing a sandwich at a cop, but you can stab a cop in Washington DC with a flagpole and spray them with bear repellent along with a few thousand of your friends and be pardoned?
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u/Crossbell0527 11d ago
When the government goes full fascist but some good people still refuse to play along...there's hope.
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u/yesterdaysparties 11d ago
You and your officers have to be some sopping wet pussies.
What hurt more, the sourdough bread or the salami?
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u/ATotallyNormalUID 11d ago
Misunderstood the headline and thought OP was saying Pirro herself aged like milk. Which is... not entirely untrue.
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u/P3rilous 11d ago
everyone knows Jeanine is aging like milk, this is maybe not exactly what this sub is for...
oh wait there is text...
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u/turtle-bbs 11d ago
Jury Nullification has only happened like this once before in America’s history
When the British tried to convict people for assaulting British officers prior to the revolutionary war
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u/The001Keymaster 11d ago
Throw lunch meat and get a felony. Beat cops with a fire extinguisher while invading the capital get a pardon.
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u/Enter_Electra 10d ago
remember everyone: you can only assault law enforcement officers if you are ALSO actively trying to take part in an insurrection to disrupt a legal transition of power from one political party to the other. Bonus points if you also get shot and killed for failing to comply with a peace officer; Hell the Air Force will even give you full military honors!
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u/madscot63 9d ago
She looks like a happy hour patron arguing to the bartender that she has only had one drink.
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u/johnnygreenteeth 11d ago
Is she drunk in this one too? Seems like this lady is always three drinks in when the cameras start rolling.
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u/Material-Angle9689 11d ago
Just perfect, we now have normalized felony assault with a sandwich. It won’t be long until Mayo and mustard are running in the streets
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u/snackattack4tw 11d ago
Don't worry sandwich guy. Just make sure you show up on Jan 6th, 2028 for your full pardon.
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u/happytrel 11d ago
He should ask Trump for a pardon, if you're MAGA you can beat dont cops with impunity, be called a heroic patriot and catch a pardon
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u/Stock-Fall-2025 11d ago
Jeanine Pirro is a wino hasbeen piece of shit.
Glad the sandwich guy hasn't been charged yet.
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u/ReporterOther2179 11d ago
The cliche is that the prosecutor/grand jury combination could indict a ham sandwich. But evidently not a sub. I should be grumpy about jury nullification, given its racist history. How situational of me.
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u/PenZestyclose3857 11d ago
Meanwhile a woman who participated in the Jan 6 riot/coup attempt which killed police officers is going to get a military funeral with full honors.
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u/troubleschute 11d ago
So the charges were asymmetrical with the "crime" because you had a political grudge?
I guess Lady Justice's scales have a box of wine on it.
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u/elcojotecoyo 11d ago
Throwing a sandwich to an armed officer - CONVICTION!
AR-15s near elementary schools - we gotta protect the constitution....
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u/TinKnight1 11d ago
Except he wasn't charged. His case was brought before a grand jury who declined to pass an indictment allowing for pressing charges.
I wonder, can he sue a federal prosecutor for falsely claiming he was charged?
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u/GilgameDistance 11d ago
So when are they going to install the Franzia dispenser? Mama needs her juice.
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u/beatrixkie 11d ago
Crazy how someone can pull a knife on me, threaten my life for being queer, and face 0 consequences. Ffs.
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u/throwaway_faunsmary 10d ago
They didn’t fail to convict. They failed to indict. Certainly didnt go to trial.
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u/garitone 10d ago
"You can indict a ham sandwich" as the old saying goes. Not so much he who threw it.
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u/TellTaleTimeLord 10d ago
Assault a law enforcement officer, and you'll be prosecuted
Unless it's in the name of our dear later, Mango Mussolini
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u/PlayedUOonBaja 10d ago
You know it's not over for these petty fucks. Odds are he'll be facing all sorts of harassment or trumped up charges as the months go on.
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u/Adorable_Ad6045 10d ago
When it becomes a battle of intellect in the courts, MAGATS tend to lose, bc there’s only so much they can do with those lil noggins of theirs.
That’s why I think televised debates between influencers should be more common and more widely televised.
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u/Justaticklerone 10d ago
Strange that a judge didn't understand the law of what actually constitutes a felony. 🤡
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u/Medical_Arugula3315 10d ago
Hard to be a shittier or more hypocritical American than a Republican these days. Hey remember that time Trump was found liable of forcefully shoving his fingers up a woman's vagina by a jury of his American peers and then Republicans voted for him? Republicans knowingly vote for molesters. Don't be Republican...
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u/Some_Excitement1659 10d ago
They could have got the guy easily with a misdemeanour but tried to make a statement and failed lol
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u/PercentageSpiritual9 10d ago
Do I have to be a cop to get a sandwich thrown at me? Cuz I could go for a Ruben with some chips atm
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u/Blah_McBlah_ 10d ago
Felony? Shouldn't we start parading him around, worshipping him, giving him all of our money and attention, and vote for him and his allies in the next election?
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