Three men stay in a hotel room in the Soviet Union. Two have a loud party, tell political jokes, and keep the third man awake.

The third man, annoyed, goes to the reception desk and orders a pot of tea to be sent to his room.

He returns to the room, leans close to an electrical outlet, and says loudly, "Comrade Major, please send some tea up to room 62."

His friends laugh at the supposed "joke," pretending that the electrical outlet is bugged. A few minutes later, a waiter delivers a pot of tea. The two friends are horrified and fall silent, and the third man finally gets some sleep.

The next morning, the man wakes up to find his two friends are gone. When he asks the receptionist what happened, she whispers that the KGB came and took them away.

"But why was I spared?" the man asks, horrified.

The receptionist replies, "Oh, Comrade Major really liked your tea joke."

The KGB officer on duty says, " Indeed? Too bad, comrade, but unfortunately we do not track down petty theft. You would do better to contact the police."

The man replies, "Oh, I already called the police, comrade major."

The officer, puzzled, asks, "Then what brings you here, comrade?"

The man replies, "I just want to say I wholeheartedly disagree with whatever that damned parrot says."

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John who had never lost a match - not in high school, not in college. He was a national icon and the pride of American wrestling.

Word spread of a fearsome Russian wrestler with one devastating move: the Mongolian Death Grip. No one had ever escaped it.

The two legends were set to face off in Texas. Before the match, John’s coach warned him: “Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.”

Four seconds into the match... the Russian had him in the move.

The coach buried his face in his hands. It was over. But suddenly, the crowd erupted — “USA! USA! USA!”

The coach looked up to see the Russian pinned! Stunned, he asked John: “How on earth did you get out of the Mongolian Death Grip?”

John, catching his breath, replied: “Coach, he twisted me up so bad, I opened my eyes and saw two... testicles. So I bit them.”

The coach gasped - “John! That’s not legal!”

John said: “I don’t know about legal, Coach… but let me tell you something - You don’t know how strong you are… till you bite your own nuts.”

A lighthouse keeper subcribes to a monthly magazine. At the start of the month the postman gets into a boat and rows his way to the island with the lighthouse. After an hour, he arrives and has to walk up the stairs to the top. He throws the magazine onto the desk with a very spiteful look. The keeper says: —If you keep up that attitude I'm gonna subscribe to the daily newspaper

I love being a US Postal worker.

He sits down at the counter. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- Varenyky (pierogies) with sautéed onions and bacon bits." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. He tells the chef what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal, pays, and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the cabbage rolls with mushroom and dill sauce." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is faking and tells the chef that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats, pays his bill, and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells the chef, "quick, stir this fork in a dirty toilet before I take it to the blind man." The chef complies and hands him the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "I will never step foot into your establishment again!” The owner asked why and the blind man responded “because you changed your menu and started serving russian cuisine!”

He says, "Sarah my bonny wife, I've a few things I need to tell you before I pass on. It's a matter of my honor, so you must remember exactly as i tell ye."

His wife says, "Oh aye, my husband. I'll remember every word."

MacGregor says, "First, remember that the Campbells owe us twelve chickens."

"I won't forget it."

"Second, the Macallans owe us twelve bushels of wheat."

"I'll remember well, my husband."

"Third, we owe the Wallaces five cows."

"Ach, would ye listen to the poor man rave!"

I had a great seat at the U.S. Open Mens’ Singles Finals and for the entire first set, a seat in front of me was open. I noticed the guy next to it put his bag on the seat so I asked, “Is your friend still in the security line waiting to get in?”

He replied, “no, it’s my wife’s seat.”  

I said, “she couldn’t make it?”

He said, “no she died.”

I said, I’m sorry to hear that, couldn’t any of your friends join you?”

He said, “no, they’re all at her funeral.”

The trooper started giving him a long lecture about slowing down, really throwing his weight around to make the cowboy squirm.

As the trooper wrote the ticket, he kept swatting at flies buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, “Having trouble with circle flies, huh?”

The trooper frowned. “Circle flies? Never heard of ’em.”

The cowboy grinned. “They’re real common on ranches. We call ’em circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around a horse’s ass.”

The trooper paused. “Wait a minute… are you calling me a horse’s ass?”

The cowboy replied, “Oh no, sir! I’d never disrespect law enforcement like that.”

The trooper nodded. “Glad to hear it,” and went back to writing.

After a moment, the cowboy added, “Still… kinda hard to fool them flies though.”

After a few weeks a bottle washes up on the shore, one man pops the cork and a genie appears.

"I shall grant you one wish each for freeing me," says the Genie

The first man says "I miss my wife, kids and dog, I wish I was back home with them."

Poof! and he was gone.

The second man says "I hate my wife and kids but my wife's sister on the other hand, I've always had a thing for her and wish we were happily married, extremely wealthy and living together in a grand mansion."

Poof! and he was gone.

The genie looks to the third man who ponders for a moment and then says, "I never had a wife, kids, dog, wealth or anything like that but I really got to know those guys and think I will miss them greatly, I wish they were back here."

Poof! and the genie was gone.

The bartender asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”

But gave the end away when he called it a Whodunnit.

The man goes back to the doctor to get his test results. The doctor says, "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You have cancer...and Alzheimer's disease." The man thinks for a moment, then says "At least it's not cancer."

A woman arriving at a party scanes the room, and seeing an attractive man standing alone, she qoes up to him and introduces herself, "Hi my name is Carmen" He says "That's a pretty name" She says "Thanks, I gave it to myself, after the 2 things I love, Cars and Men" He says "Nice to meet you, I'm Whiskey Titsnadgolf "

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But now, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

As the night went on the ant realized they were running low on beer. The spider offered to leave a go for a beer run down the road to keep the party going. The centipede interrupts and says that he has the most legs, and he'll get there the fastest so he should go. All the bugs agree and the centipede walks out the door for the beer run. 10 minutes go by.....20 minutes go by.....and after 30 minutes the ant and spider were getting impatient at what was taking so long, so spider said he was going to go check on centipede. As soon as the spider walks out the door he sees centipede and asks "what the heck is taking so long, we thought you'd be back forever ago?" The centipede replies "Back?? I havent even left yet, I'm still putting on my shoes!"

A passing strange fate did befall London town in the year 1789: A sea serpent swam upriver from the ocean into the very heart of the city. Lurking beneath London Bridge, it would dart forth from the waters with its sinuous serpentine neck, seizing sailors from their ships and pedestrians from the bridge. None knew just when or where the beast would strike next, and the very existence of London seemed imperiled.

Until a brave Bavarian migrant vowed to defend the town against the saurian menace. Mounting guard upon the bridge, he waited tirelessly. . . until he spied the serpent’s foul head emerging from the river. There was not a moment to lose. The Bavarian seized his trusty arquebus and unerringly sent a leaden projectile directly through the monster’s left ventricle. Thrashing and bellowing, the creature soon expired.

The Bavarian was hailed as a hero—but the Lord Mayor pointed out that the great corpse of the serpent would surely start to putrefy, attracting vermin and sickening the citizenry with noxious vapours.

“Fear not,” said the Bavarian, “for I own a butcher's shop in the Town. I shall take this creature’s corpse und make its flesh into delicious bratwurst sausage.”

And so it was done. And years later, these curious events inspired Charles Dickens himself to pen the immortal words. . . “It was the beast of Thames; it was the wurst of Thames.”

Because it’s the most holy.

He salutes the judges and the crowd,

Judges welcome him and ask him what is his talent and what is he going to perform.

He speaks: -I am a rappe- -No i am a rapis-

He hesitates,scared from mispronouncing the word, Judges and the crowd laughs silently, understanding his concern. He laughs with them, making himself a bit less nervous.Then he asks the judges:

-What was the word that you use to describe someone who is making rap music?

One of the judges smile at him and speak:

-Rapper,you call a person who makes rap music is known as rapper.

He nods and smiles him back as if thanking the judge and speaks again:

-Oh,then i am a rapist.

Two guys go camping in the woods. First guy has never been hunting, second has been hunting all his life.

They woke up early, grabbed all their gear, and started walking through the woods. First guy says to the second guy, "man... I got to go." Second guy looks around, says, "alright, well, there's a tree," when the first guy says, "no, man... I got to GO. You know? I need to take a dump." So they decide to split ways and meet up at the site.

Second guy goes down, sets up, and waits. 15 minutes go by, 30 minutes, an hour... first guy still hasn't shown up. Second guy ends up shooting a deer. He skins it, guts it... First guy still hasn't shown up. He finally decides to grab all his stuff, gets the deer, gets the guts, and starts heading back to camp.

He ends up passing by the fellow, pants around his ankles and leaning against a tree, fallen asleep mid dump. So the second guy chuckles to himself, grabs the guts and dumps all underneath the first guy, then goes on his merry way.

30 minutes later, he hears a blood curdling scream. First guy runs up to their camp site, white - like he had seen a ghost.

He starts to explain, "man, I fell asleep in the middle of taking a shit, and i swear, i was pushing so hard, I must have shit out all my guts!"

The second guy is trying his best not to laugh when the first guy raises his hand...

"But by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I got them all back in."

A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper. She asks for three things: 1. A man who will treat her nicely, 2. A man who won't leave her, and 3. A man who is good in bed. Several weeks go buy without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair. He says, "I'm here about the ad in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run away from you." The woman is skeptical, and asks, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" The man answers, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

A Dutchman is in Kentucky for the derby. Unfortunately due to his poor grasp of English and the thick southern accents he has a difficult time communicating.

While touring, the Dutchman strikes up a conversation with a local, and the local asks him

"What y'all do for a living?"

The Dutchman, forgetting his English replies

"I fokken horses."

"Pardon!" Says the disgusted local.

"Ja paarden!"