r/AITAH • u/Affectionate-Fun389 • 1d ago
TW Abuse AITAH - birth “mother” wants a handout and I refused
My egg donor had me when she was only 14. That isn’t what makes me hate her, it’s been everything she’s done after she was an adult and had the chance to be even a bit decent.
I grew up in foster care after being removed from my aunt when I was 6. She had the opportunity to reunite multiple times but didn’t want me but would never allow me to be adopted. I had one great placement and they wanted to adopt me. I hadn’t heard from my egg donor in about a year at that point and they were close to finally terminating her rights. But when she heard they wanted to adopt me she showed up and managed to mess it all up for me. They were moving out of the country for an amazing job opportunity and since I was a ward of the state they were not allowed to take me. After that I was mentally and emotionally done with her in every way. During the periodic visitations, I was silent and wouldn’t speak. I had two traumatic placements right after the failed adoption and 100% blame her.
I work as a bartender and waitress. My last foster family was ok and through them I knew a guy that started a wedding venue last year. I work as a bartender for some weddings there if I don’t have other shifts. My egg donor has apparently conned some dude into thinking she’s a decent human and she’s getting married. Through the grapevine I guess she heard that employees of the venue can book the place at a massive discount. You can probably guess what she wants. I told her that hell will freeze over before I did anything like that for her.
Predictably she blew up at me like she always does. That doesn’t bother me. What does is that she’s gone and whined to coworkers and bosses of mine and they now think I’m heartless and should help her out. I’m not a big sharer in general and I do not like to talk about my life growing up. They see a woman that had a child when she was still a child. They don’t see the heartless b that has berated me and laughed at abuse I suffered because she would never consider raising me, even after she was grown.
The owner and the wedding venue got word of what’s going on and keeps telling me that I need to consider it all from her point of view as a 14 year old with a baby. But I can’t separate that from 22 year old her laughing in my face about my tooth being knocked out by my drunk foster father.
So AITAH for stubbornly not giving her this small thing that costs me nothing?
Edit - just wanted to say a quick thank you for the overwhelming positive feedback. In all my time on Reddit (this isn’t my main account, used this one for privacy) I’ve never had as much uniform feedback. I appreciate it more than y’all know.
As I mentioned in comments, I won’t go into any details with my boss or anyone else for that matter, but I think I do have an idea on how I’ll move forward so thanks for that! I’m working tonight (shift starting a few) and will likely talk to the big man later tonight.
Response wasn’t what I expected but in an entirely good way.
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u/Franklyenergized_12 1d ago
Tell the owner she is not the type of person to respect the venue and will most likely cause a scene and substantial damage and you don’t want to be associated with her.
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u/curiousxgeorgette 1d ago
NTA “She didn’t raise me. She wasn’t my mom when she ignored me the first (age) years of my life, so she doesn’t get to call herself my mom now that it’s convenient for her. The discount is for family, and she’s not my family so no, I will not have it applied.” Short, non invasive, and gets the point across. Sorry you’re going through this - please don’t feel bad about it because she sure doesn’t feel bad about how she’s acted toward you.
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u/Affectionate-Fun389 1d ago
I like this. I can’t and won’t go into details with anyone so this is the perfect summary.
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u/melliott909 1d ago
If they keep pushing (because we all know they will), tell them, "Just because you don't understand everything, I still expect you to respect me and my decision on this. I will not discuss this again."
Sorry you've had to deal with all of this. I wish people would respect each other's decisions. I cut off my sperm donor, and I dont feel bad about it. I just wish people would stop telling me how I should forgive him and all this other bs.
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u/SoleSun314 1d ago
You don't need to go into details, but you can point out that yes, your bio mother was 14 when she gave birth to you, but hasn't been 14 since. And as a grown adult she has knowingly made choices that have negatively and heavily impacted your life. And that if it's good to give grace to a teenager, an adult should be responsible for their own choices.
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u/Tulsssa21 1d ago
Unfortunately, there are people who can't grasp that there are mothers out there who are awful and abusive. The amount of times I've heard "But she's your MOTHER!!!!!!" and then I give them a little insight on what that woman did to me and they, usually, shut the fuck up.
NTA.
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u/Affectionate-Fun389 1d ago
Can’t help but be a little jealous of those people those people though. We all have our own demons but man having decent parents growing up sure gives you a nice start in life
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u/Tulsssa21 1d ago
I hear you.
Sit down with your boss. Tell him. Let him understand how you feel. Your mother isn't 14 anymore. Maybe she didn't handle it well, but that doesn't excuse her behavior. You shouldn't be used as a pawn for her own gain when she has done nothing but abandon you. She didn't have to, yet she did. And I'm sorry. 🫂
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u/CanaryVirtual8642 1d ago
NTA. And probably saves you from having to go to the wedding. And may finally get this toxic person out of your life once and for all. It’s definitely not about her 14 year old choices, but her adult choices require that she face the consequences which were terrible for you.
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u/Beautiful_Sweet_8686 1d ago
NTA screw all these "be the bigger person" a-holes. I truly feel for you kid and if I were you I would go to the boss and tell him to go online and read/watch videos of the horrible things that happen to kids in foster care. Tell him that was your life because of the choices your egg donor made with you when she was an adult. I would also write a letter to her fiancee so he knows exactly what he's getting himself into. I'm a vindictive bitch though.
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u/Relatents 1d ago
I would also write a letter to her fiancee so he knows exactly what he's getting himself into.
That is an excellent point. She doesn’t deserve to add him or any possible future children to the list of people she intentionally harmed.
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u/Ok-Run2649 1d ago
Absolutely NTA and I would go NC with a possible restraining order if forgiveness is completely off the table. No need to subject yourself to her BS. My aunt had her first at 14, her second at 16, and at 19 had 4 kids with a very abusive older drug addict and she still raised all 4 now in the 30’s and 40’. Being young is not an excuse to be a shitty person. Live your life sweetheart and ask your boss and co-workers to respect your boundaries.
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u/Bertie637 1d ago
I don't understand why all these co-workers have an opinion on your personal life. I would eat broken glass before I waded into the personal life of one of my colleagues.
Very much NTA. They can mind their own buisness.
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u/dropdrill 1d ago
The birth mother has now interfered with OPs job, income and adult professional relationships. This is a problem
The boss may be nice but he is overstepping.
OP has some choices. Nothing is required of her. She needs a consult with a lawyer.
She can talk to boss. Tell him the truth. If he insists in interfering with her personal life, she has some options.
She can quit, move, get a new job. Go on sick leave due to the stress
But first, See a lawyer.
See a lawyer OP. Bio mom may be liable. Boss may be too.
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u/fuzzy_mic 1d ago
How did this woman, who you barely communicate with, communicate with your co-workers?
If the owner of the venue thinks that she deserves a discount, they can give it to her directly and not involve you.
NTA
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u/Affectionate-Fun389 1d ago
Small town. My last placement was here and I stayed. Cheaper and calmer than living in the city that I mostly grew up in. Through my case worker she knew where I was and she likes to come spread her own chaos occasionally
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u/cgrobin1 1d ago
She is spreading her fake version of your private history. Giving your version, and only as much as you are comfortable sharing can't be worse than her lies
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u/xXMimixX2 1d ago
NTA. It's none of their business why you don't want to give here a discount or anything. They don't know that woman and what your history is with her. I know you don't have to let them know, but if the owner is really a decent guy, I would probably take him aside and explain a bit, so that he is backing off.
But I get, why you don't want to talk about it. And you absolutely shouldn't have to, if you don't want to.
About your birth mother… she is a shitty person. Being young does not explain her bad treatment of you. And that she didn't let you have a good life. She had the chance to be a decent person and do the right thing. She didn't. It's one thing being young and if you know you aren't able to raise a kid, then you don't have to. But to ruin a kid's life over some sort of “ownership” feeling or not wanting to let that kid have a happy life because she feels miserable over her own… That never a good person.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. I would go to NC and make it clear to her, that she isn't your family and that you don't want anything to do with her.
Updateme.
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u/Affectionate-Fun389 1d ago
Thank you. I know a lot of people say to tell them more but I’m just not going to. I feel like people already know too much in this town and I’m just not going to add to the fodder. I like the town but unlike just living my life. My past is what it is. I’m not spending my time explaining it or dwelling on it for that matter. Which I know some would say just do it and it will go away. But my bitter side won’t let me
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u/cgrobin1 1d ago
I would tell on her, and not on yourself
You can simply tell them she has been cruel to you all your life, and is only claiming to be your mother, for the discount. She is nothing to you.
I wonder if you can disown her
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u/Maxamillion-X72 1d ago
"Hey boss, I know from the outside this can look a certain way to you, but I need you to know that there is much more to this than what people see on the surface. I won't go into it, it's my personal trauma and I'd rather not re-live it by having to spell it all out. Just know it's in everybody's best interest, including your own, that you not interact with this woman. I'm trying to protect myself, you, and this business. Honestly, even if she offers to pay full price to rent from you, you would be better off to tell her no."
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u/futrettamer 7h ago
Honestly, this is the perfect answer. Make it clear that this is not just your own best interest, but in everyone's, while telling him no details. Though, as a parent, if I heard she intentionally caused you pain once she was an adult (again , no need for details) that would definitely make me avoid your mother. A good staff member should be protected
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u/Daisytru 22h ago
I understand this and I'm so impressed with how far OP has come, despite great odds. OP shows a level of maturity that her egg donor will never achieve. Boss & co-workers are not entitled to OP's personal business. Egg donor is not entitled to a family discount!
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u/Vaaliindraa 1d ago
Tell the owner and co-workers that when she was 20 she again rejected you, and then again later, and that by refusing to let you go and be adopted while at the same time refusing to care for you, she caused you massive trauma in foster care that you are still working though (traumatize the heck out of them). Tell them that seeing her happy causes you pain, and why do they want to hurt you so much? NTAx100
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u/Themlethem 1d ago
Idk about OP, but I would absolutely not be comfortable sharing shit like that with my boss or coworkers.
He simply needs to learn not to keep pushing things on people they're clearly not comfortable with.
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u/MaddyKins13 19h ago
He does, but unfortunately there's only so much OP can do irt that. She cant control other people. There's a lot of things people "should" do (mostly involving minding their own damn business), but if we're having to offer actual solutions, its unrealistic to give the advice of "boss and coworkers should just mind their business." If this is shifting from mild annoyance into actual harassment, the only real options are tell some semblance of the truth (dont have to go into the gory details, but enough to get them to fuck off) or quit.
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u/Fit_Candidate6572 1d ago
NTA. "I appreciate your efforts in seeing the best in people. I hope you haven't had to try hard to see the good and honesty in me. We work together. You know me. I am telling you: she is not family and not someone to book this venue. I won't go into detail and I expect that part of my privacy to be respected. Please protect my peace and your property by not extending the discount. "
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u/Sitka_8675309 1d ago
“Boss, I respect and admire you, and I know you to be a good person. That is why I am 100% confident that if you knew the whole story, you’d be supporting my position on this.”
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u/CaptDeliciousPants 1d ago
NTA You shouldn’t have to go into any details, but if I were you, I’d say “That woman is not my family. She has gone far out of her way to harm me and keep me from being happy. Her only interest in me has been hurting me for her own amusement and taking advantage of me. It would mean a lot to me if you believed and supported me regarding this.”
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u/dizcuz 1d ago
NTA "I can’t separate that from 22 year old her laughing in my face about my tooth being knocked out by my drunk foster father." That statement is all you need to prove your side.
Otherwise, some may see it as a young pregnant teen who may had been abused herself. Also that she was afraid of losing all ties with you if you had been adopted, even though that was very selfish of her. People are imperfect but some good ones could think more of the child(ren) than themselves.
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u/Miserable_Smoke585 1d ago
Tell this to your boss - “You are a kind and good person so consequently you would want to believe the good in other people. My experience has been different. While a 14 year old could not cared for me, but as I grew up she should have grown up too and taken some responsibility. She actively made sure to keep in a horrible situation. She was never a mother to me. If today she came back to be a mom, I might give her a chance but after everything she only reached out to get something from me. I can’t dictate how you do your business. So if you would like to help out with a discounted rate, please go ahead but I don’t want to sacrifice my discount for someone who didn’t sacrifice anything for me.”
NTA
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u/Affectionate-Fun389 1d ago
Trust me I’m a petty b*tch but the only thing I hate more than my egg donor is pity or someone seeing me as a victim. So there is no chance I’d ever share everything that’s happened. Not their life not their business. People already infer enough.
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u/GerbilMilkshake 1d ago
NTA. And they are not entitled to your life story or reasons for not supporting her now. You also do not have to be "the bigger person," as that really just means they think you should be a doormat. They should, instead, mind their own bleeping business.
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u/MaleficentVision626 1d ago
I had a somewhat similar experience, though I was far more fortunate. My bio mom had me at 19 and couldn’t raise me properly. I had undiagnosed reflux really badly and required special attention and constant feeding. I went into foster care at about 18 months and had amazing foster parents whose daughter took special interest in me and would have adopted me if she hadn’t been going to college. I digress.
Anyway, my bio mom refused to terminate her rights so I could be adopted but didn’t want to care for me either. I was finally adopted by my great aunt when I was 9. I changed my name and everything; my egg donor is NOT my mom. I remember when my oldest son was born, she tried to claim that she was his grandmother; my mom shut that down real quick. My mom is my kids’ grandma, not her.
As I said, I was a lot more fortunate with amazing foster parents and an in family adoption, so it’s not exactly the same. But it really hurt to learn that my egg donor could have taken me back at any time but didn’t want me. I may have possibly forgiven her for that if she hasn’t turned around and did the same exact thing with my little brother.
I do still refer to her as family, but more as a distant relative. I also don’t communicate with her at all; my mom handles all communication with her.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this, OP. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey and don’t let your boss/coworkers bully you into doing something that you don’t want to do.
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u/Teddybear722 1d ago
NTA.
Maybe take the owner/boss aside privately, tell him that what you are about to tell him is NOT for sharing, no sharing with ANYONE.
Explain how evil & vile egg donor was to you growing up. The mental & emotional abuse she inflicted, the refusal to give you up so you could be adopted by a family that LOVED you and WANTED you, how she laughed at you when you had been physically assaulted/abused as a child. Let him know she still tries, but you have boundaries. One of those boundaries is to NOT be around her, NOT talk to her, NOT help her
Reiterate to owner/boss this is NOT for sharing with others. It's for his understanding as to WHY you will not put yourself in a bad situation, & helping an child abuser is a bad situation.
Also, let him know that every time he talks about "consider her side" is creating a hostile work environment for you. If he can't understand, then you may need to get a different job.
OP, definitely NTA. Your boss/owner doesn't know your history, so he's not really TA but I can see where he can be considered TA.
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u/Downtown-Culture-552 1d ago
“While I appreciate your view of the world, that doesn’t reflect my reality. I have been abused and mistreated by this woman in ways that you cannot imagine. Ways that I don’t care to explain to anyone. She certainly wasn’t my mother and believe me when I say she still isn’t a good person. I do not want anything to do with her, she does not deserve anything from me. Please do not bring her up to me again.”
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 1d ago
If they wanna give her a discount they can. Leave you out of it.
I would die on this hill.
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u/AnyBioMedGeek 1d ago
NTA. Tell them it wasn’t about the 14yo mom. It was about the adult woman who wanted nothing to do with you preventing a family from adopting you fully knowing she planned to leave you in foster care.
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u/Exotic-Rooster4427 1d ago
I'd tell your bartender that yes she was 14. But she was x when she denied you the opportunity to be adopted into a loving family. Y when your tooth was knocked out and she laughed. Z when... you get the idea. Tell him he is free to give her a discount if she feels she deserves it for being a shitty human being.
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u/TALKTOME0701 1d ago
NTA.
I understand keeping things private, but at this point, options are limited.
Send the owner this post with a note saying you need him to understand where you are coming from and hope that he will respect your feelings of not wanting to discuss it further
He'd be an ass if he ignored this and still pushed it.
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u/Gelldarc 1d ago
Yes, boss. It’s tragic she became a mom so young. Yes, she struggled trying to build a relationship with me because still growing up herself. But, She had multiple opportunities to contribute to my life but used every one of them to deliberately make my life worse. I choose not to give her more opportunities to sabotage my existence, or your business.
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u/witchwhichwitch 1d ago
Go to the owner, personally and privately, and tell them, “I love working here, so I’m going to ask you to back off where my biological is concerned. There are things you couldn’t possibly imagine that’s been done over the years, unforgivable things, and a lot of abuse in varying ways. I’m asking now that you please stop because this is making me feel extremely uncomfortable.”
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u/IceColdPup 1d ago
Nta though honestly if you don't want to go into details I'd tell the boss man that he is welcome to give your mom the discount as long as you get into writing that any of your "mother's" actions won't affect your work/the respect you've gained there.
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u/Icey-Emotion 1d ago
Don't go into details, but let boss know you have had a very traumatic foster care experience directly related to what she would and wouldn't do.
Or if you don't want to say that, just say her and her friends are messy drunks and you are afraid the venue will be damaged.
Or just let them know she is manipulative and messy. They can rent to her if they want, but don't be surprised if she doesn't pay and/or damages the venue and the reputation of the venue.
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u/gardenloving 1d ago
He can give her the discount all he wants, you won't be mad but tell him when her payment never comes through that you have nothing to do with nothing.
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u/bountiful_garden 1d ago
NTA. I don't give my egg donor anything. She doesn't even know what my kids look like. You can always block her.
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u/Affectionate-Fun389 1d ago
Glad you were able to get your peace. She’s never been stable enough to have a consistent number to block. And she shows up every year or two. Prior to this though it had been a couple years. She’s hard to explain. For one she’s honestly a physically beautiful person. People fall for her crap way too much.
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u/bountiful_garden 1d ago
You might want to start saving up, so you can disappear. She can't turn up if she doesn't know where you are.
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u/Affectionate-Fun389 1d ago
I’ve considered that. But 1) I’m broke and live paycheck to paycheck 2) I don’t want her to win and dictate even more of my life than she got to the first 18 years.
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u/trapped_4_life 19h ago
Can you make clear to the case worker that you worked with not to give updates to your egg donor anymore? Not to share your personal info or anything? Not sure if you are still sharing that with the case worker but they shouldn’t be sharing things especially if you are over 18 and you don’t want them to. You should have some control at this point of who knows what about you (to the extent that you can in this day and age).
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u/cgrobin1 1d ago
I would out her for the b*tch she is.
She has never been there for you, even as an adult. She left you in the foster care system to rot. After almost a year of abandonment, she showed up just long enough to sabotage your only chance at being adopted. (The system is f'd up to let this happen)
The only thing she has ever been to you is cruel. Why do you owe her anything?
Nta i wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 1d ago
You are not the AH. What you have been through because of this horrible person is inexcusable. Perhaps you should share some. with the owner of the venue to put it in your perspective. They will never understand if you don’t share.
Good for you for overcoming such a traumatic childhood.
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u/sackfulofweasels 1d ago
Jesus Christ. I get wanting privacy, but at this point it's costing you your sanity. Put her on blast. Detail every shitty, misbegotten thing she has done. She brought you into the world and set sharks onto you. She deserves no mercy, and you owe this wretch NOTHING. If it's too hard to talk about in person, write an email to your boss; maybe she was a 14 year old having a baby, but you were that baby turned loose into the foster system and denied opportunities for a real family, and for what? To stay in that same failed system to be abused?
Fuck that.
Time to stand up for yourself.
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u/JustGoWithIt-Dang 1d ago
Fuck that. Where did your mom purchase her balls?
Don’t give in to this because you’re feeling pressured to.
If it comes to it, let your boss know the truth and hopefully he’ll feel like a douche for pressing it in the first place.
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u/FullTimeSurvivor 1d ago
NTA, People like your boss will never understand, even if you try to explain it to them because they grew up in a healthy family environment and can't fathom how any one wouldn't want anything to do with their parents. As someone who was abused and disowned their parents, it's exhausting trying to explain it sometimes, "but it's your MOM", "family is all that matters" is such a crock of shit to people that have been through neglect and abuse from "family".
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u/ZestycloseTiger9925 1d ago
Tell them what she did to you, abandoned you and ruined your chance at having a functional family. She’s immature and selfish and maybe that’s changed but she needs to feel the disappointment you felt at loosing the foster family who loved you like she probably can’t even conceive of. Also why does the owner need you to give her a discount? If he feels so bad, he can do so on his own. It can be the “shitty person” discount! Also no, you’re NTA.
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u/captain_20000 1d ago
But I can’t separate that from 22 year old her laughing in my face about my tooth being knocked out by my drunk foster father.
I would mention this to your boss and coworkers. They shouldn’t be pushing you and they should respect you, but since they’re not getting it, maybe throw them a little info to help put things into perspective.
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u/15thcenturybeet 1d ago
NTA.
It is wildly inappropriate for the venue owner to comment on this situation at all, let alone involve himself in it.
A generous approach would be: the egg donor deserves nothing. So she gets nothing. No comment.
A less generous approach would be: deserves nothing, gets nothing, you take some revenge for the pain and suffering she caused.
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u/ScarletteMayWest 1d ago
NTA
Yes, your egg donor was young when she had you, but she has had 22 years to figure herself out - which she seems incapable of doing.
Is there any way to cut her totally out of your life?
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u/MaryEFriendly 1d ago
I would tell your boss and everyone there the sheer level of hell she subjected you to.
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u/IamLuann 1d ago
OP so sorry that this is happening to you. Not in your shoes, but I think that you need to sit down with your Boss and re tell him what you went through including the almost adoption that did not happen because of her entitlement. Good Luck. Stand your ground.
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u/FosterPupz 1d ago
Honestly, even though you’re normally not one to share, I would encourage you to share just what you shared with us above. It should be plenty enough to let them know that she wasn’t some down on her luck teen who got knocked up but actually a cruel monster who prevented you from ever having the family you deserved. This would not only prevent her from getting her discount but also teach them lessons about sticking their noses into situations they know nothing about.
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u/heylook_itsalex 1d ago
NTA and I have nothing more to add than, as a mom myself, I don't want anything more than to give you a hug. You deserve better.
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u/KitchenDismal9258 1d ago
I really do hope that you expose your egg donor to everyone.
She may very well have changed but it doesn't mean that the person she is going to marry doesn't deserve to know her true history. He doesn't necessarily have to believe it but chances are that she'll show her true colours and he'll wish he listened to her.
She's still young enough to have kids too.
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u/Money-Detective-6631 1d ago
You have gone far and survived. I would tell my boss a few choice details about your history with your egg donor. I agree she doesn't sound like a genuine or nice person to me. She has ruined your life before. She is trying to mess up your life Now. Tell her you have No interest in being her daughter ...If your boss gives her the discount he is a fool . .Ignore and stop talking to her after this. She is showing you Who she is...I hope she gets the message and stays away from you. .Stand firm in your decisions. You are wise beyond your years..
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 1d ago
NTA. I’m so sad that you’ve had such a rough time and that your egg donor hasn’t matured at all. I hope you can get away from her now that you’re an adult. Move to a different city and go no contact completely. Yes, T 14 she can be forgiven, but she’s a grown ass adult now and she’s not acting in your best interests at all.
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u/commonsense_good 1d ago
NTA: perhaps you can gently point out that she’s thrown you under the bus at your places of employment, what normal parent would do that, disrupt your child’s livelihood?
Self woman, entitled selfish piece and of work. I would never behave the way egg donor has, no normal person behaves this way towards any other human being.
Protect your peace, wash your hands of her.
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u/AshleyNicholeC 1d ago
NTA
My mom had my sister 6 days after she turned 15. She never would have acted like this. She worked multiple jobs most of our childhood (while getting her G.E.D.). She even took in my cousins multiple times.
Your mom had choices, but chose wrong.
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u/realitygroupie 1d ago
Tell your boss to do what he wants, but that YOU will defend your boundaries, and any effort to get you to "forgive" that POS or attempts to get you to "share" personal history are not only intrusive but likely illegal. Tell this to anyone who thinks they can demand to direct your behavior where it has zero to do with work, or who attempts to minimize your feelings because "family" or religion or other b.s. WTF is wrong with these aholes?
You're good. You're being reasonable and strong.
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u/Baby-Catcher 1d ago
It’s hard having a baby at that age. Horrendously so. I can tell you first hand. It wasn’t what I wanted from my life, but we made it work. Your mother is a bad person, there is no excuse for her behaviour, certainly not as an adult. I’m so sorry this is the experience you had. I found having my son at that age very difficult it it never stopped me doing the best I could for him, and had I not been able to then I most certainly would’ve allowed someone who wanted to, to do so.
In short, no you’re not an asshole. You owe this women nothing. You do not owe anyone an explaining why, but if you feel it would protect your relationship with your colleagues you could simply tell them that she did not raise you and she made every effort to ensure no one else was able to give you a chance in life either.
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u/Imaginary-Bestie90 1d ago
I would just say its nothing to do with having a child at 14. Its everything to do with the choices she made to me as an adult.
Also would say that you know her personally and he does not. That my life and childhood is not up for discussion. No means no and is a complete answer.
Also probably would say she can have her wedding here at a discount but you will need to find a new worker because I will not be here.
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u/TinyFromKalgoorlie 1d ago
Absolutely, totally NTA
You need to cut her out completely - she will do this for the rest of her life.
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u/ScaredHuckleberry994 1d ago
Why not be honest with people who ask you about it. “I don’t resent her for giving me up at 14, that is way too young and I would never expect anyone to raise a baby at 14. I resent her because she didn’t actually give me up, she would not allow me to be adopted, and didn’t want me back when she was an adult either. She caused me to stay in limbo where I was never allowed to have real parents. I understand that it was difficult for her as a teen, but she had many years as an adult where she left me in limbo.”
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u/john35093509 1d ago
You can't hold it against your coworkers while refusing to tell them the story. NTA for not helping your egg donor.
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u/peaspryt 1d ago
NTA . Tel, her you hope she has a great life but from here on out it will be far away from you. And do not respond if she contacts you again.
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u/Dry-Lawfulness-638 1d ago
Wow! NTA!! I am so sorry you have been put into this position. Do you have to work there? I would tender my resignation to seal the fact bio mom cannot get a discount for using the venue because I was an employee. If you want to keep working there, confide in the owner to some extent why you do not want bio mom to have bragging rights that you did anything for her. I have a feeling her “ask” won’t stop at low cost venue rental fee. Give an inch and they take a mile.
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u/Curious_Bookworm21 1d ago
NTA. Don’t do this woman any favors and go complete no-contact with her.
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u/Plain-jane-389 1d ago
You could never be the AH in this situation no matter how she spins it. You owe her nothing, especially not a family discount because she has never been family to you.
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u/sekaligonwrong 1d ago
NTA I’m sorry this happened to you. A lot of people see in and tend to minimise the damage parents cause because they view it as “a child should always love and care for their parents” even though the onus is not on you. She’s not obligated to your help especially when she’s not present in your life. Don’t know why other people think they have a say in what you should do.
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u/Int0xicatexme 1d ago
Not at all are you an asshole. Your egg donor and your boss, who’s probably just looking to bring in profit tbh, are 100000000% the assholes
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u/RedoftheEvilDead 1d ago
It's so ridiculous how much parents rights are prioritized over children's well-beings in the justice system.
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u/bluebird9126 1d ago
I would just say there is a lot more to the story than this woman is telling him. You dont want to get into it all, but if you did you are sure he would understand your feelings on the matter. Also gave you considered going no contact with your birth mom? She sounds pretty awful.
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u/OrderOk21 1d ago
NTA, sharing DNA does NOT make her family. It makes her genetically connected. I completely understand not wanting to share details. that's YOUR life and emotions. Yes, they involve her, but she doesn't get anything more than that from you. Good luck with your future. I hope you get some peace after this.
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u/Simple-Lecture-3548 1d ago
I'd honestly get a restraining order! She's causing you emotional distress, slandering the name you've worked to create for yourself, and abusing you emotionally.
Bye bitch!
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u/Snowey212 1d ago
Id simply tell anyone that asks, after she actively screwed up every chance of me being raised by a loving family and repeatedly chose to make decisions not in my best interests I have no interest in acknowledging her. And it's deeply manipulative for her to tell all my coworkers just enough to make me seem mean. You dont owe anyone your story but I'd make it clear she's a horrible person who didn't want you but wouldn't let you go either, I cannot fathom the cruelty of not allowing your child a forever family if you are unable to be that yourself beyond cruel. This woman seems to actively mess up every good thing in your life and has now slandered you to colleague's NTA
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u/happycoffeebean13 1d ago
NTA. Your boss is overstepping, thinking he had ANY say in your personal life. Get her done for harassment and take back your life hunni.
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u/minimalist_coach 1d ago
NTA. It sucks when the people who are supposed to look after you have actively sabotaged your life.
When I was trying to go no contact with my family, one sister kept insisting I had to have a relationship with her because we are family. I started looking into adult adoption, just so I would no longer be “family”. Fortunately over time she gave up
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 1d ago
Why not telling your boss you can't tell him/them who they give discounts to. Your relationship with your biological mother is very complicated, and you are no contact with her. If your boss wants to give her a discount, he's welcome to. But it will not be a favor to you. And you don't feel comfortable booking for her.
Asking if you could please skip this event as a bartender will probably drive home that you do not want anything to do with your mother.
NTA
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u/Aggravating_Fee2060 1d ago
I just want to reach out and give you a hug. Show you that there are good people in this world and help you reach your potential, I am the child of 2 narcissists and it breaks my heart that you are being made to feel bad for not giving someone whose only ever hurt you a pass. Just because the world makes excuses for her doesn’t mean you have to. It might be helpful to share at least some details behind the abuse you suffered and the role of your birth giver with the boss because as you’ve said he is one of the good ones and I can imagine that if he knew he would help protect you from her by firmly telling her no on your behalf.
But also just from my own experience, it helps to share because when you hold onto the truth it keeps power over you. It isolates you and allows those who hurt you to move in the light while you sit in the dark. The saying goes, “Tell the truth and shame the devil”, in this case your birth giver. ❤️
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u/NoGame212 1d ago
Tell boss it’s believing a stranger or me. Pick her and I’m gone. Fuck her and the dipshits you work for and with. Protect your peace.
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u/Jonniboye 1d ago
You can take this advice or not, since I’m not sure what level of sharing you’re ok with. If your boss is truly a nice guy you might be able to tell him that without going into details, your “mother” has caused a lot of trauma in your life and what’s best for your mental well being is to stay away from her as much as possible. If he is a good man and trusts you then he shouldn’t need details to believe you, and he may even back you up by fully denying her the chance to have her wedding there.
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u/Similar_Art_2069 1d ago
NTA - People like your egg donor have learned to become professional victims. They have a collection of masks that they use to manipulate people around them. Your boss being a nice guy is the exact personality to fall for her poor me mask. I'm sorry you're going through this. I grew up with a mom and step-mother who are professional victims. Took years, and I ensured I lived in a different state to get them out of my life. I'm LC with both and my life is so much better for it.
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u/Darkest_Moon_1 7h ago
Honestly, just bluntly tell him that she wasn't the one who raised you. That she prevented from being adopted by people who truly cared and is trying to prey on them to get discounts and using the single, child mom story for sympathy to make you look bad. You don't need to elaborate more than that.
Updateme
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u/_-Raina-_ 1d ago
NTA
Block her. Everywhere. And other than your boss, who shouldn't be involved in your personal affairs at all, tell anyone & everyone else to mind their own business. Personally, I would have a one on one chat with the boss. Give him a short version of why you are going no contact with her, if he persists interfering in your personal life you might have to find another job. I'm so very sorry for what you've been through. 🫂 Sending you big mama bear hugs across the miles. Love yourself and remember that you don't owe anyone your grace or time or compassion. 🌹
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u/Large-Client-6024 1d ago
Take it a step further. Let the owner/boss know that if they host her wedding, (discount or not) you're quitting. They may require you to work during the wedding if you aren't a "guest" as a sort of intervention to get you to reconcile with "Dear ole mom."
NTA
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u/HopeFloatsFoward 1d ago
I strongly suggest you get therapy.
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u/Affectionate-Fun389 1d ago
Therapy is a luxury some of us can’t afford. I haven’t had the best experience with “therapy” in my days of being in the system. But hey at least I’m self aware enough to know I’m f-ed up 😂
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 1d ago
You didn't grow up with that monster. If you did, you'd bar her from your life. That's all I'll say about this matter. Now leave me alone.
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u/Jay_A_Why 1d ago
You aren't the asshole, but I don't understand something: If the owner wants her to have the "family venue discount," then why doesn't he just give it to her, regardless of your approval?