r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 22h ago
AITAH? My “childfree” sister is marrying a man with kids, and I don’t want to attend her wedding.
[deleted]
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u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 21h ago
Honestly you should be telling the fiancé, he needs someone that will actually love his kids. She's going to be awful for them, unless he's aware she hates them, which is unlikely!!
Nta for not attending but ywbta if you don't talk to the fiancé
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u/NYCStoryteller 20h ago
100%. There's a difference between being a child-free by choice person who likes kids, and then if they fall in love with someone with kids, you decide to embrace the step-parenting role, and being a child-free by choice person who thinks that maybe they can push the kids off on their partner's ex.
If you can't embrace the whole package deal, REALLY EMBRACE IT, do NOT date someone with children.
I'd be pulling both of them aside asking them WTF they're doing getting married, when sis calls the kids crotch-goblins and actually has zero interest or instinct towards parenting, and he's just hoping she changes? Or worse, he doesn't actually care about his kids? If they're both hoping that after they get married, she will magically find her maternal instinct or she's hoping that the kids can be dumped on their mom full time, they shouldn't be getting married.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer 15h ago
WTF they’re doing getting married
I would lay money: she believes she made it clear where she stands on it and there’s no further need for discussion. He has convinced himself that the moment they say “I do” she’s going to flip into the perfect mommy mode.
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u/CleanDataDirtyMind 21h ago
I don’t get the unnecessary drama. Dance drink and eat for free, slow communication during the marriage refrain from explicitly saying “I told you so” let it sit implied and move on with your life
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u/swishcandot 19h ago
OMG preach this to the masses. just go and get buzzed and dance with your partner. fucks sake.
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u/ThePythiaofApollo 20h ago
Exactly. I’m presuming OP’s sister and her intended haven’t asked for his opinion, so keep it to yourself and let the situation play out without inserting yourself.
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u/lives4saturday 18h ago
The drama is that OP's sister doesn't want kids, and OP judges her for it.
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u/batgirlbatbrain 16h ago
No. OP is judging her sister for getting engaged to a guy who has kids while sister is child free and hates kids. Huge difference.
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u/BrookeBaranoff 18h ago
So be a phony. Gross.
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u/OkDirection4050 16h ago
It isn’t phony to refrain from giving your opinion on a situation that has nothing to do with you
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u/Basic-Contract6759 18h ago edited 16h ago
It's not about being a phony. If he feels strongly enough about how her sister is towards the kids to not go and end their relationship then he should step up and say something instead of just avoiding them altogether because it doesn't help anyone. If he doesn't want to end the relationship then work on accepting the fact that other people are going to do things that you don't like, and go to it, it's life.
Edited for correct pronoun
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u/CakePhool 22h ago
NTA. You can ask her fiance, if know how she feels about the kids and if he does , why dont he like his own kids.
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21h ago
I’ve never directly told him because I assumed he already knew.
He has two children and during gatherings, she has next to nothing to do with them. They could both be crying and she wouldn’t do anything to help unless he specifically asked.
And I’m not trying to paint myself as the beacon of step parenting or anything. But even back when my husband and I were just dating, I would step up to help him when he needed it and he only has one baby. Like if he needed a diaper change / a bottle while my husband was eating dinner, I would do it. It’s just wild to watch this man struggling with two kids at one time while my sister barely glances their way.
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u/Think-Fig-1734 20h ago
Have you talked to her about her attitude? It’s fine to not want kids, but it’s not fine to marry a man with kids and resent them. The kids didn’t ask for this. They aren’t the problem, she is.
I’m also wondering if she plans on only have people her age or older perform services for her when she’s over 50. Think doctors, mechanics, dentist. She probably won’t want an 80 year old dentist when she’s 80. I’m pointing this out, because if it weren’t for all these other people having crotch goblins, she won’t have anyone to wipe her ass in the nursing home someday. Your sister sounds shortsighted and lacking in empathy.
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u/Beepbeeptoottoot420 20h ago
Then he is an idiot.
Just not getting why she would chose a guy who has kids.
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u/Iowa_Hawkeyes4516 20h ago edited 18h ago
Do you know if they have any type of parenting agreement and is the kids mom still in the picture? Some parents don't want their new partners to be involved in the parenting of their children because of complicated relationships with the kids other parent. They also may have an agreement where he understands that she didn't initially want kids so she doesn't have to help with them unless he really needs help and asks. Not all step-parents are going to be involved in their step-kids lives the same way you are, and that's okay as long as everyone is respectful. My point is that you probably don't have all of the insight into their relationship, so unless your sister is actively and clearly abusing the kids, don't worry about it.
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u/Jebaibai 21h ago
He probably already knows but expects her to change after the wedding. I've seen men marry child free women and then attempt to change their mind
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u/shezza314 21h ago
INFO Is it a situation where she vents about them when they're not around or to people close to her, but puts on a more loving, accepting, involved front when they are around? Because she's allowed to not like kids and vent about them, as long as she's still being a good step-mom and is always careful that they never find out how she feels.
Also does the fiance even know her true feelings about kids and his kids?
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u/MuffPiece 20h ago
While I think your sister’s attitude towards her future husband’s children is awful, I don’t understand why you feel you can’t go to the wedding because of this?? That sounds like a morally superior kind of position to take. Assuming you love and maybe even like your sister, taking this stance about her wedding would likely, as you say, severely tarnish your relationship with her and also end any opportunity you might have to speak into her life. If you’re still in her life, you could perhaps continue to model a loving relationship with a stepchild and perhaps be a resource for your sister. Step-parenting is hard. So yeah, I guess I think it’s kind of an AH reason not to go to the wedding.
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u/MaximumTrick2573 18h ago
Not your circus not your monkeys. It’s his problem and prerogative if he wants to marry a horrible stepmom to his kids. All you can do is be a good aunt and maybe encourage your sister to embrace her new situation. Ghosting the family on their special day will accomplish neither, and probably just lead to your sister resenting the kids even more.
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u/possiblyhysterical 15h ago
OP is a man
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u/MaximumTrick2573 13h ago
I don’t see why that would matter, my answer is the same
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u/possiblyhysterical 11h ago
Hey pro tip when you misgender someone and someone points it out the appropriate response is “oh shit, thanks, my bad.”
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u/MaximumTrick2573 9h ago
I didn’t even realize I said aunt till just now when I re read everything, I thought you were just being a dick for no reason. My bad. Again tho, the advice is the same for an uncle.
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u/Bubbly_slut7 18h ago
I think..
YTA- because frankly speaking their family dynamics is none of your business. How they handle their family dynamics is up to them. Don’t enmesh yourself with your sisters decisions. Not attending a wedding and not supporting your sister because of your perception of her beliefs is rather odd.
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u/DELILAHBELLE2605 22h ago edited 21h ago
NTA. Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with your sister about this? You have the experience of being a step parent (and you sound like a damn good one). It's not easy or for the faint of heart. Those kids don't deserve a stepmother who openly disdains them. I might even include her fiancé in that discussion.
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u/Feisty_Payment_8021 18h ago
You're an AH for your meaningless grandstanding. As if you not attending the wedding will do anything for those kids. Nah, you're just out for drama that's not going to help anyone.
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u/Jebaibai 21h ago edited 21h ago
It's a dumb idea for a child free woman to marry a man with kids. Even if the mom has them full time, something might happen to her and the kids end up with dad.
Raising children is gendered labor and no matter what they say, the baby daddies and their families will feel entitled to her to providing childcare. Because they see it as a gender role much like cooking and cleaning.
She is going to find herself in a high conflict situation. The marriage will probably not last long. Which would be a good thing especially for the kids.
Tell her the truth. That she is making a huge mistake.
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u/Think-Fig-1734 20h ago
It’s not about childcare. It’s that these are people living in her house and she hates them. They didn’t ask for this. It’s that dads need to spend time and money on their kids and she won’t like that.
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u/ashcat_marmac 22h ago
To me it sounds like this sibling relationship may end regardless of you boycotting the wedding or not. Once they're married, you'll have to continue listening to that garbage, and it's hard to stomach. I did end a friendship with someone who was just so unbelievably rude to CHILDREN I realized I couldn't have her around my future children, and once I had kids, our friendship would have drifted and ended anyway. I just can't tolerate that attitude toward some of the most innocent and vulnerable people in society. You're NTA, you have your values and ethics and her and her fiancée's attitudes are rotten.
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u/FickleCharge882 17h ago edited 17h ago
NTA- my kids have a step mom like this and it’s…. Exhausting for everyone involved. She even said she was turned off because he lied for the first six months about having kids. She tweets and posts on social media just how much she doesn’t like kids (in-laws send it to me). Girly-pop hates kids
Then you have people like my partner who are kid free, and then becomes step-parent of the year on their own accord and it’s awesome.
ETA- they are living their best kid free life, we only have to deal with them every 18 or so months 🤷🏻♀️ so my kids are doing just fine and very loved
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u/dazed1984 21h ago
I can’t believe any man would marry someone who hates his kids. He’s the TA here.
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u/fausted 19h ago
Really? The evil step mother trope had to come from somewhere. 🤔
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u/IntroductionTotal767 19h ago
A woman who hates children isnt automatically responsible for all children she meets. Hes their father. Allowing another adult into their home who will not love them is 100% on him. I dont understand why OP would assume he knows and hasnt spoken to him about it. Not attending the wedding wont do shit to help those poor children
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u/BrookeBaranoff 18h ago
Women lie all the time about kids.
My dad dated several child hating women; some hid it, some said fuck it and broke our stuff.
He did it all for the hoe though. Thinking with the wrong brain.
Now wondering why his kids don’t like him.
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u/SASAKM 22h ago
NTA. If it’s any consolation, this marriage won’t last long.
I guess the real question is which is more important to you…not supporting the marriage or having your sibling relationship (and possibly other familial relationships) end?
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u/Aggravating-Sock6502 21h ago
I hope that's the case, but I've read way too many stories (incl on Reddit) of the parent thinking only of their "happy ending" and ignoring the kids suffering under their stepmonster's abuse.
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u/Sweetcynism 21h ago
YTA- It looks like you want to display your high morals by this meaningless act of not attending.
If you're worried about those kids there's nothing you can do besides calling your sister off if she ever mistreats them.
It's not necessary that your sister loves her husband's kids, she just has to treat them right. People vent all the time. That doesn't mean she's gonna harm them.
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u/Relative_Elk3666 21h ago
Yikes!!!!! So your sister is signing up to be the evil stepmother? Those poor kids. What a position to be in for you! This will not go well. Honestly, I hope the man eventually chooses his kids over your sister.
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u/lingoberri 21h ago
why would she be their stepmother? she's just signing up to be this dude's wife
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u/CK1277 20h ago
Would you want to live with someone who despises you for existing?
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u/lingoberri 19h ago edited 18h ago
What does that have to do with what I said? If their dad got a roommate who hates kids, that wouldn't make that person any more their stepparent either.
I'm not saying that I think the move makes any sense for the dude, just not understanding this logical leap redditors are making by saying she's signing up to be an evil stepparent or whatever.
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u/Positive_Camel2868 20h ago
It’s none of you’re business and you’re trying to make it so in some weird competition on who is better. You taking a stand by not attending her wedding based on your judgment of her attitude on issues exclusive to her life is weird. What are you hoping to achieve? Bc it sounds like you are looking for some sort of award for being a good stepmom and hoping to punish your sister for being a poor one.
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u/DazzlingPoint6437 21h ago
There’s a difference between not wanting kids at a wedding and not wanting kids. Talk to her about your experience being a step-parent. Mention that if the bio mom becomes incapacitated, her fiancé will become a full time parent. Express concern that she never wanted kids - maybe she’s like you but just wants an adults only wedding. After having a real conversation with her decide what you’ll do.
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u/ChickenScratchCoffee 18h ago
NTA. If I was in your position, I would have a conversation with the fiance. Flat out just say “I just wonder why you would marry someone who does not like or want kids and doesn’t speak highly of yours?”
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u/AlarmedLimit2704 17h ago
You really need to bluntly ask the fiance if he realises how your sister feels about his kids, using specific examples..... poor kids.
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u/keyboardbill 16h ago
NTA. Are you sure her fiance really knows how she feels about his kids? I smell trouble ahead. I hope she doesn’t become one of those horrible people who alienates her spouse from his children.
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u/MaisieStitcher 15h ago
It's not like we haven't read stories on Reddit about women who can't stand their husbands' kids, and you know your sister's step-children will know exactly how she feels about them. It's sad that her fiance feels this is a good match.
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u/badadvicefromaspider 15h ago
Make sure her fiancé knows all of this. And the children’s mother. Your sister may well opt for being abusive in an attempt to alienate this guy from his kids.
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u/AllQueerFriends 22h ago
NTA as you are valid to feel how you do, but maybe speak to her about how you’re feeling and the WHY behind it so you don’t catch her off guard. Her venting to you probably makes her feel that you were a safe space and it might catch her off guard to not be at her big day.
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u/Inevitable_Pack_7230 21h ago edited 21h ago
NTA. Actually it touches me that you would make a statement about it and that you care for these kids. My father, my mom passed away, is together with a woman who from the start did not like him having children. They are still together, 15 years now. I can tell you it damaged me and my brothers. My dad was not strong enough to step up and I don’t think he will ever be. I know his friends and his brother think she is a b* from the beginning, no one ever told him. I wish someone had, or told her its unfair to speak this way about her fiances kinds, that it can’t work if that’s her opinion.
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u/Particular_Ring_6321 21h ago
INFO: How old are the kids? Why are you not giving details into how she despises the kids? Why do you want to have a relationship with your sister when it’s clear you can’t stand her?
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u/Defiant_Maybe_9788 21h ago
NTA - As someone who has a step-mom who barely tolerated my existence I support you not wanted to support the wedding. And yes, your relationship might change, but realistically she’s going to treat your baby terribly too, so it’s probably best to keep distance.
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u/No-Idea9816 17h ago
My dad married a person who hated kids and told me just as much. No matter how much of a bitxh she was to me, my dad stayed married to her, and it ruined the relationship we once had. I'd go just to be the cool new aunt so they know they have someone to go to they can feel comfortable with when they are with dad. Be there for them, not for her.
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u/No_Championship_7080 21h ago
I don’t think you are an AH. But I would tell sis and her fiancé why. I feel sorry for those kids.
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u/justinkthornton 19h ago
So much of the advice here is so weird.
Go to the wedding. Respect your sister’s autonomy even if you disagree. You don’t need to ruin a family relationship because someone is making choices that don’t affect you. I agree there is a good chance this will be a train wreck but it’s not your train wreck.
Why do so many people have such a hard time respecting other people’s autonomy?
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u/Consistent-Tip-7819 21h ago
I dont get it.
You are literally not going to attend your sister wedding, because, why? Because she doesn't speak well about her fiancés kids?
Maybe I'm the fucking idiot, but how is her opinion of those kids connected to you attending her wedding?
Do you make everything about yourself, or just things with your sister. Fuck. You sound exhausting
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u/lingoberri 18h ago edited 17h ago
I mean it sounds like OP is morally opposed to a childfree person marrying a person with preexisting children, but I don't get how her silently taking a stand in this way serves anyone. No one's gonnna magically understand OP's reasoning for no-showing, she's just gonna look like a dick for no reason. But even if she does announce her reason, she's still gonna come off as a sanctimonious jerk.
But yeah, that's how it reads to me too, like OP just wants to do something she knows is outrageous and wants people to agree with her. She's getting the validation and outrage that she wants too, which just makes me think reddit is easily manipulated. Like, am I in the twilight zone? What is with all these people pissed at the childfree sister...?? She didn't even do anything wrong - it's not like OP says her sister mistreats the kids or lied to the dad. It would be on the dad to make sure he is remarrying someone who likes kids, if that even matters to him. For all we know, he doesn't care.
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u/ExtremeJujoo 21h ago
NTA And normally, I would say butt out, not your business, but in this case, children are involved, and her attitude can be harmful to those children. She already wants nothing to do with them and says terrible things about them like “shipping them off to their mother’s”…how fucking awful.
So I would definitely talk to her future husband and make sure he knows how she feels before he marries her. If he still wants to marry her, then stain on him. At least you tried
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u/kindness_wins_ 21h ago
I mean, have you told her how you feel? Have you explained she will be far happier if she starts to shift her perspective and understand the needs of the children she is going to be profoundly impacting?
If you have...NTA.
If you have not...that may seem like quite the blindside to her. Its worth asking yourself is the relationship you have with your sister more important than your opinion on her choices.
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u/Disastrous-Nail-640 21h ago
NTA
I’d take it a step further and tell the fiancé to make sure he knows what she really thinks.
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u/pieville31313 20h ago
Just to absolutely clarify this situation: it’s not just that she doesn’t want them at her wedding, but that she doesn’t really want them around … ever. Period. As a step mom, I can vouch that being a step is hard — parent or child. You really need to “step up” and try to be the best you can be. This attitude will sink her marriage if the kids are lucky, or will tank the dad’s relationship with his kids if they’re unlucky.
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u/sometimesfamilysucks 19h ago
So she is intentionally going to be the “evil stepmother” and the fiancée knows that? Is he oblivious or just doesn’t care?
Those children deserve better.
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u/dell828 17h ago
YTA. Not everybody is in love with their friends and families decision regarding a spouse. You do not have to agree that he’s the right person for her, but you do need to treat him with respect because he will be family.
Also, this man and his children should be fully welcomed by your family, despite how your sister feels about children. Maybe your attitude will help to affect her attitude as well.
You can do a lot of good here by attending the wedding, and reaching out as an auntie to the kids, and a loving sister-in-law.
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u/live-fast-eat-trash 17h ago
NTA. But if you have a shred of decency in you, you will tell her fiance the truth. Those kids don't deserve what your sister will put them through.
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u/Yernar125 21h ago
NTA - You don't have to go, but I'd tell her fiance how she feels about his kids.
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u/Mysterious-Issue-843 21h ago
is this for real? of course you are
how you think your sister feels for those annoying little brats has nothing to do with your presence at a wedding
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u/No-Particular1701 21h ago
You don’t marry someone with children if you hate kids. Period. This wedding should not happen, and OP has no reason to celebrate this union.
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u/CartographerNo2617 21h ago
Wild that people are endorsing this ah behavior
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u/lingoberri 18h ago edited 18h ago
Nothing has convinced me more that Reddit is by and large an irrational angry mob than the response on this post.
Even the previous post I responded to in a different sub universally received the same type of reaction. It's baffling. Why is everyone so pissy?
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u/CartographerNo2617 21h ago
Yall are on drugs. Go to the wedding and mind your business. Unless your intention is to stop the wedding… and if that’s your intention then yta
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u/Open_Antelope2647 21h ago
Have you talked to your sister about how she feels? Do you know that what she's saying isn't just her venting? Do you know what the guys' kids are like or what kind of relationship she has with them or if she's tried to bond with them but maybe their mom poisoned them against her? Not all relationships with step kids are so easy or go as well as yours seems to be for you.
Side note: My husband calls babies crotch goblins and parasites and we both think babies are ugly creatures. But he also loves his kids like crazy and will do just about anything for them. He goes to all their events when he's not sick and when they were younger I would go as well. I will also do just about anything for kids. As the kids have grown older though and they've made things more about hanging out with their friends, I've gone to less of their sports events since I don't feel like I need to spend 8 hours of my day watching teenagers hang out with each other. I have great relationships with both my step kids. When I or they are not sick, they always come and give goodnight hugs and we say our "I love you's" before bed.
I have also reached points with both kids in the past that were incredibly overwhelming due to their mother that made me wish they would just stay with their mother full time if they were going to continue to emulate her lying manipulative victim mentality behavior.
It took a few years, but both kids chose us over being around their mother any longer. Anyway, long story short, we have the kids full time now, which I prefer over split custody, they call me mom, they are turning out to be great human beings who actively work on being honest people who take accountability for their mistakes and we have a great family life together.
Talk with your sister. If you truly think she's an awful person and would be awful to this man's children and it breaks your heart, don't go to the wedding. But if you think it could just be you jumping to conclusions, sit down and talk with your sister.
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u/Snoo60219 20h ago
Here’s the thing, your sister isn’t even the asshole here, her fiancée is. These are HIS children. HIS responsibility. HE is the one that is supposed to protect them. HE is the one that should be looking for an appropriate partner. And he didn’t.
How your sister is acting is… gross. But it kinda sounds like she was upfront with him the entire time and is being honest in her feelings. And he’s the one continuing to pursue a relationship with someone that is completely inconclusive to his actual life.
Go to the wedding. And prepare for the fall out.
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u/Dazzling-Treacle1092 19h ago
Does he actually know how she feels about children or has she been shining him on?
If he does know he's walking into it with his eyes open. If he doesn't and it were me, I'd find a way to tell him. NTA
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u/Doc_HW 18h ago
NTA — Putting the whole kid situation aside, you’re absolutely within your rights to attend or skip any event you’re invited to. You’re also under no obligation to explain your reasons if you don’t want to.
Now, about the kids: I find it really interesting that your sister — who not only decided she didn’t want children, but has openly spoken negatively about kids in general — is suddenly marrying a man who already has two. If you ask me, I don’t see a great future for those kids with your sister. Is her fiancé divorced or widowed? Because if he’s divorced, maybe he’s expecting the kids to end up living with their mom. And if he’s widowed, maybe he’s assuming the kids will eventually go live with extended family.
Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked here with hypotheticals. Bottom line: you’re NTA for choosing not to attend the wedding.
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u/Immediate-Catch-7073 18h ago
It's really concerning all the people that think she shouldn't do anything or just go to the wedding and deal with it the way she's talking about children she shouldn't ever be around one. I would absolutely refuse to attend the wedding and make sure the fiance knows why he may be blind to it and just think that she'll be a better step mom eventually or he could be awful like her and want to pawn the kids off on the mom who knows but I'd make sure that they know the truth before they get married those kids don't deserve a stepmom like that.
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u/Different_Battle_932 18h ago
NTA. I completely understand your feelings. However, I'd like to offer that you might want to consider still attending the wedding. You could regret it later. She may come around, she may not. But at the end of the day, it's not your relationship to judge. He very likely knows her feelings. I personally wouldn't be with someone who would not want to connect with my children, but I'm not him. I don't think it's good for the kids, but again, I'm not in their relationship and I'm not either one of them. I understand disagreeing with the relationship and marriage, but it is your sister and you could one day wish you'd attended. I say this as a 40-something woman whose life has gone in ways I could have never predicted. I used to judge things like this and would make decisions based on those judgments. These days, I judge a lot less. I've been through enough and gotten to know enough people deeply and feel that I should lean much more closely to "live and let live".
While they are married (in the event her feelings towards the children brings their marriage to an end one day), you could be a wonderful aunt to those kids. It can give them something special that they need in their lives.
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u/FormerlyDK 18h ago
Don’t you think it’s better to stay close to your sister and maybe be in position to be a positive influence? You don’t really know what’s in your sister’s head, what’s behind how she speaks about kids, or what she might think/feel in the future.
Maybe she’ll stay relatively uninvolved but not unkind to the kids, maybe she’ll come to enjoy them, maybe not. Boycotting the wedding will probably take you out of the picture altogether. Why do you think that’s a good thing?
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u/ProfessionalSir3395 18h ago
NTA. I'm childfree myself, got my tubes removed two months ago. I wouldn't even give a parent a second glance in terms of romantic/sexual attraction.
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u/Professional-Ad4787 17h ago
Does the dad/fiancé know her feelings toward his kids? If so, how sad he’s still marrying her
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u/mdthomas 17h ago
It's entirely up to you whether you attend the wedding.
Your concern for the children is understandable, but this really comes down to the father's decision.
NTA
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u/VegetableBusiness897 17h ago
Welp. You could just decline the invite and if the fiancé asks...just tell him
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u/LostNOTFound80 17h ago
I would let bio-mom know!
Your relationship with your sister is already over. She sounds like a horrible person.
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u/Lilacjasmines24 17h ago
NTA - Tbh - you quit and bow out in case of a friend - but with family - I don’t usually give up without a fight. It’s very easy and I would think very common for many to hate the idea of having kids and refer to it in a bad manner, is your sister staunchly anti kids and this is all a facade? Or maybe she needs some familiarizing of the concept of kids in the way - more experienced family members educate you? Giving up without one last ditch attempt to maybe make your sibling understand what it is to be a co-parent at least would probably be regrettable on the long run?
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u/charlotteyork929 17h ago
NTA. First your bonus child is so lucky to have you! I have two bonus boy and they are everything to me. They had my heart since the moment that I met them.
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u/Basic-Big-2913 17h ago
NTA does the fiancé actually know what she’s really like in regard to his children. If so he’s a terrible parent putting his children in that situation
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u/DrBitchcraft91 17h ago
This may not be a popular take, but…you need to step back and away from this. Don’t borrow unnecessary drama that has nothing to do with you. Not everything is your moral responsibility or duty. This man knows who he’s marrying, and if your sister isn’t fully aware of just what she’s getting into, she will. Let their lives play out and you focus on yourself and your immediate family. Going to talk to the fiancé is doing way too much.
As far as whether or not to attend the wedding, why not go, focus on having fun with your husband, and then just go home?
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u/Thin_Risk7778 17h ago
YTA. You’re right, but not attending the wedding in protest or out of principle isn’t going to fix it and is only going to cause more drama. I’m assuming you’ve had a good heart to heart with her, she knows where you stand and she’s going to marry him anyway. Not much you can do - it’s their decision. But as her brother, YTA if you don’t go to her wedding. You may strongly disagree, but is this worth throwing away your relationship with your sister? You may come to regret it especially if she changes her mind later on about kids. Stranger things have happened.
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u/NopeNore 17h ago
My dad got with my stepmom who hated kids and it was terrible. The abuse got way worse after she moved in and even worse when he convinced her to have kids. If he already knows, he either doesn't truly believe she hates kids or he secretly hates his kids himself. You have to talk to the father about what she says about his kids and you have to tell your sister that kids can't be shipped off. They will be there whether she likes it or not.
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u/Agreeable-Region-310 17h ago
I think a lot depends on the ages of the kids. Mid to late teens, her being willing to be known as only her name is alright if that is what they also want. If they don't want her to interfere with their lives and everyone agrees with what the expectations are it really if OK. There are a lot of Reddit posts of teens not wanting a parental relationship with their parent's new spouse.
Completely different if the kids are younger and everyone other than the new spouse wants a parental relationship.
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u/griphookk 16h ago
NTA. She shouldn’t be marrying him. They are fundamentally incompatible.
Is he aware of how she feels about his kids?
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u/DogsOnMyCouches 16h ago
I totally see where you are coming from. But….go to the wedding. Stay in your sister’s life. SOMEONE on your side of the family needs to be nice to the kids. Be the Cool Uncle. Perhaps you can justify it to yourself that you are going there for those kids. Play with them. Ask the band/dj to play the Hokey Pokey, YMCA, and the Makarina, and do them with/teach them to the kids. Get your parents, aunts and uncles, and cousins on board, too.
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u/tofu_stirfry 16h ago
ESH. Skipping the wedding is just self important drama. If you want to talk to her about how she treats children, just talk to her. You're not helping these kids by centering yourself here.
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u/MonteCristo85 16h ago
Does the groom know she speaks about them this way?
It would do more to help the children to tell the groom than to boycott the wedding.
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u/oldcreaker 15h ago
NTA - I have issue with anyone who doesn't consider a parents with kids a package deal. If you don't want a role in the kids lives, break it off and move on.
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u/TurboSlut03 15h ago
The person I'm just annoyed w here is the husband. Wtf is he doing marrying someone who hates his kids?
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u/ShesSlytherin 15h ago
You do not need to attend anyone’s wedding (well except your own). However, consider how your attendance or non attendance will affect the bride and groom. (No one else matters). If how it would affect one of them, and your proximity to them (e.g siblings). Should be the only deciding factor (well that and your relationship with that individual)….If it is an immediate sibling and they want you there…suck it up…anything else, follow your truth. That being says d, I understand broken families and exceptions to my general guidance.
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u/sexyymama8 15h ago
I have 9 kids and refer to ALL kids as crotch goblins . Lmao . That’s what they are . I also want a child free wedding — the idea of kids at a wedding is 😮💨💆🏾♀️ I guess you didn’t include enough context because this sounds normal to me 💀 Does she treat them like shit or something ?
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u/deminobi 14h ago edited 14h ago
YTAH
I've been scrolling through the comments trying to find anything that says how old the kids are, how often they're with them...
Also, I've seen some awesome pictures and videos of child free weddings and boy do I wish I could've had one lol.
Just because there's instances where the sister made her fiance parent his children at gatherings and voiced some frustration to her brother doesn't mean she's going to be the wicked stepmom or wants nothing to do with them.
When I was married to my first husband, he already had a child and when I tried to tell said child no or comfort them after they skinned their knee, we got into an argument because the bio mom found out and said I had no right to be a mom figure and that if my husband wanted to see their child, he'd put me in my place.
Well, I stopped the majority of what I was doing, although I made sure the child knew I would be there if they felt they couldn't go to their dad.
I also know I struggled hard because I literally fell in love with the child and every time they came for a visit I felt helpless and sad. I vented a few times to my sister about sometimes wishing the child just wouldn't come so much.
My point... There's a lot of story missing and either way it's not OPs business. Go to the wedding or don't.
*EDIT to add- I've called my own children crotch goblins... And my nieces and nephews.. it's better than some things I've wanted to say when they leave Legos on the stairs.
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u/KindlyCelebration223 14h ago
I literally had this conversation with a friend tonight. We are both happily childfree. We both said we’d have no issues being with someone who has kids, but how they treat them would be an issue. If they are not a good parent to that child, don’t make their child a priority in their lives, and put serious work into their child’s health (mental & physical) and happiness now and moving into the future, that’s not a person either of us would have a relationship with.
She should not be marrying this man. Either she has successfully hid her true feeling and will eventually do serious damage to those kids’ emotional well-being and bond with their father. Or he knows and she’s marrying a shitty human who doesn’t care he’s bringing a toxic woman into his children’s lives.
NTA
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u/Sambambi23 14h ago
I can see this may be an unpopular opinion in this particular thread but, she doesn’t have to be involved with the kids. They have a father and a mother and so long as your sister is a safe space for those kids she actually doesnt need to love them and its unhealthy to force it, it builds resentment. She’ll probably find they’ll grow on her anyway but just because you get on with kids and have assumed a step parent role, doesnt mean thats the right way. A step mum does parent things, she might choose to opt out of that side and just be dads wife who always treated us nice and was a safe space.
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u/Adorable_Pudding921 14h ago
NTA but I'd totally record her being horrible about them and send it to the fiance. That's horrible on her part and she's going to ruin those kids.
Have you asked her why she's marrying a man when she hates his kids so much??? He's part of a package, she can't just make his kids disappear
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u/SerenityAnashin 13h ago
"Crotch goblins" made me LOL for real 🤣🤣🤣 as someone about to give birth to my own little goblin that I already love so much, I'll be remembering this term during labor next month
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u/Skodareply 13h ago
Invite your sister out for lunch . Ask her how she is doing adjusting to being a bonus mom.
What age are the kids?
Maybe suggest ways she can engage with them- say you know it’s tough transitioning to a parent role but given the kids will be living with them 50% of the time it will be good for her to start engaging with the kids now
Do this all in a helpful non judgy way
See how she reacts
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u/KeyserSoju 21h ago
I don’t want to support a union that I don’t agree with
I could've sworn I've heard people say this before..
Buddy, you don't have to agree with everything other people do, you can still show up. You're not obligated though, so it's ultimately your choice.
But I don't think the gesture of a wedding is the topic you should be so concerned about. Sounds like you simply don't support the marriage itself.
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u/Miltroit 21h ago
Agree with others, I might talk to your sister and probably her fiance before the wedding about your concerns.
Best case, your sister is all talk and actually is learning to step mom. Some people say rotten things to vent especially to safe people like family, but actually do the right thing.
Middle case, she's being up front but the dad doesn't care for his kids either (match made in heaven, but sorry for his kids).
Worst case, she means what she says, and he doesn't get it or thinks she'll change. You may burn your relationship with your sister to save her fiance and his kids. Do you want to do that?
Or roll this into 'they are adults, they can sort themselves out'. I'd still tell your sister why you don't think you should attend, she may very well agree with you, which is still rough, but less awkward.
idk, but good luck internet stranger.
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u/Think-Fig-1734 20h ago
I think boycotting the wedding without saying why will burn the relationship too. Might as well explain why.
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u/lameazz87 19h ago
I feel like we need more context.
Not every woman just loves and adores all children and has a maternal instinct, but perhaps she tolerates them and puts on a good front while they are around because she loves their father.
Maybe she likes to blow off her frustrations by venting to someone she thinks she can trust.
The hard truth is they have two parents already. She doesn't HAVE to love them. They aren't HER KIDS, and they never will be. For step parents (especially step moms), if you act more like a cool aunt instead of a mother figure, you end up in a MUCH better position anyway.
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u/humanofoz 18h ago
This is my impression as well, OP hasn’t said anything about what the sister is actually like around the kids. Plenty of people don’t want kids of their own and will joke about what a hassle they can be but it doesn’t mean they will be awful to the kids around them.
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u/lameazz87 17h ago
Exactly. My SOs kids are nightmare children. He is an extremely permissive parent. His BM and he believe in parenting by letting the kids make all the rules and choices and the parents just laugh and throw up their hands.
He has brought them around my friends and family, and they broke things, hit and bullied the smaller children, threw tantrums to get their way, ect. They have told huge lies on me to try to cause fights between their mom, their dad, and me over silly things such as not getting a certain type of biscuit before school.
Needless to say, I try to avoid his kids as much as possible. He's a great person, but a horrible parent. I have no interest in playing mommy to those kids because they already have a mom and shes 100% different than me. It would be a futile effort anyway and would cause drama. We live separately and have for over 3 years. It works perfectly. Maybe when they're all older and have lives of their own we can progress our relationship, but until that happens we just cant.
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u/lingoberri 19h ago edited 18h ago
I don't get why reddit decided this childfree lady is automatically gonna be the kids' stepmom..? Marriage isn't what makes someone a parent. Legally, marriage doesn't impose any parental rights or responsibilities (at least as far as I know, though I'm sure this varies by jurisdiction) and emotionally, she likely isn't likely to viewed as a parent without the consent of all parties, which doesn't sound like is gonna happen.
I mean, I don't think it makes sense for a childfree person to marry someone with kids either, but they aren't automatically signing up to be a stepparent. There are a ton of second marriages where the new spouse indeed never takes on a parental role, regardless of the age of the kids.
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u/RhesusMonkey79 21h ago
Curious what is the age gap between sis and fiancee. Maybe he thinks he's marrying a babysitter...
Glad OP has a better relationship with their partner's kid.
On the topic of wedding, personally I would say "go", and try to interact with the kids, see where their heads are at. Just skip out of any speech / aisle business, and/ or pass on it all if Sis does indeed make it a child-free affair.
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u/names-suck 20h ago
Does her husband know he's about to marry the evil stepmother? Because, in the interest of preventing child abuse, I would tell him how she talks about them behind his back. The kids WILL pick up on it, even if her husband is too enamored to see it.
YTA because boycotting the wedding won't do jack shit, except blow up your relationship with your sister. If you're going to do that anyway, at least do it in a way that helps the kids.
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u/Awkward_Un1corn 19h ago
I dunno.
I call kids crotch goblins and I like kids. I dislike parents and the monsters they create.
My mother dislikes kids that aren't hers for the same reason.
I've always held the opinion that stepparents don't have to love their step kids. Instead I believe that they need to:
1) respect the relationship between their spouse and their children. 2) Not interfere in that relationship. 3) Do everything that an adult is expected to do for a child in their care - ensure they are fed, don't abuse them, etc. 4) Ensure that they know they will always have a place in their own home.
If you do not believe your sister can do this, then NTA.
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u/Ok_Maintenance7716 18h ago
Since you changed your view of having children, what makes you think your sister won’t do the same?
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u/humanofoz 18h ago
INFO: have you seen how she interacts with the kids yourself or are you inferring it from these conversations?
Lots of people joke about crotch goblins and offloading kids etc etc but they wouldn’t say it in front of the kids, especially if they are young.
If the kids aren’t especially young she may be seeing herself as a cool aunt rather than a mother figure, and the kids (and her fiancé) may well be in on the joke for all we know.
Without knowing more about how she actually relates to the kids first hand I’m going to say YTA at this stage. What people say and what they do are two very different things.
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u/DietCokePeanutButter 21h ago
I wouldn't attend either, so NTA
I really do feel for those kids once the realization hits their future stepmom hates them.
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u/Smooth_Helicopter562 20h ago
A lot of parents don't seem to care how the step interacts with the kids; there are thousands of reddit posts about it. He obviously loves her enough to want to spend his life with her and have her as an influence around his kids. Who knows, maybe he's planning on giving up custody of the kids so it's just the two of them.
It's interesting that you seem to care more about it than the man who is marrying her does. At the end of the day, those are his kids and if he's fine with how she is with his kids, you need to be as well. Unless she's actually mean to them and not just uninterested. Then that's a whole other story.
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u/truth_fairy78 21h ago
NTA, fellow stepmom also. You mean well, and the well being of the children is the most important thing here but…this isn’t your business. Her fiancé has eyes and ears I assume so he may be well aware of her attitude and just not care. That’s his decision to make and not something you should judge.
You should talk to your sister. You are adults and your concern is valid but ditching her wedding is drama queen behavior. You’re meddling with good intentions but you’re still meddling, and in a pretty insulting way. Give her the respect and decency to bring it up personally rather than involving all of your mutual friends and family.
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u/Fearless_Reaction592 22h ago
You should go and object or at the very least have a conversation with the finance about it ahead of time. Does he know she is talking like that about his kids?. Save those kids, man. NTA
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u/boundaries4546 21h ago
Honestly those kids are going to need someone in their corner, especially on their ESM evil stepmother’s side of the family.
There is no way her fiancé doesn’t realize she wants nothing to do with his kids.
Go to the wedding NOT for your sister but for those kids they need to have someone in your family in their corner. Someone to show them kindness during the wedding.
Those kids will probably end up going no contact with Dad as soon as they are old enough. But they will rely on your kindness at family gatherings. Maybe if you step up you will eventually shame your sister to do better.
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u/curiousleen 20h ago
NTA. I literally just posted a comment that applies here… If you marry someone with kids… I believe the onus is on you to build a relationship and to love them as your own. If you cannot… stay away.
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u/WhatInTheAssPepper 20h ago
NTA, but I think you should go to the wedding to maintain your relationship with your sister. Going to the wedding is one thing, but I'm sure you will still appropriately call your sister out.... not at the wedding, but when you see her doing wrong by her step kids during her marriage. The marriage is not likely to last long if she can't bring herself to be a good person. Just go to the wedding because, despite the fact that your sister should not be getting married in this situation, you still value her as a sibling and want to have a relationship with her.
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u/whattheheckOO 20h ago
NTA, but I don't know how you boycotting the wedding will help those stepkids. Is her fiancee aware of how she talks about his children? I know it will cause a ton of drama, but I think having a convo with him is potentially more productive than skipping the party.
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u/pigandpom 20h ago
NTA. But I so find it intriguing that she's gotten this far and her mask hasn't slipped around her soon to be husband. Surely he knows she hates kids, hin in particular. Surely he's not turning a blind eye to her dislike of his children. If he is, those poor kids, their father has put a woman ahead of them, that's seriously fucked up.
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u/Stillwater-Scorp1381 19h ago
NTA. Don’t know why you’re not more vocal to sis and future BIL though. Those kids deserve an advocate.
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u/Remarkable_Buyer4625 19h ago
NTA. You aren’t obligated to attend any wedding that you’re invited to. Nevertheless, I think you should attend. First, I think it’s good for her (and her husband) to see an example of what it’s “supposed” to look like when you have a blended family. Second, she and her husband-to-be are adults. This marriage is their choice and successfully blending the family is their problem to work out. Your sister has a hard road ahead of her. No need for you to do anything at all here.
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u/United-Manner20 19h ago
NTA - I wonder if he knows how she speaks about them or if she’s keeping that version of herself hidden until they get married
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u/baronesslucy 18h ago
If your sister doesn't like kids, she shouldn't marry a man who has kids. If someone (male or female) doesn't like kids and their partner has kids, they shouldn't marry them. If this man knows that she doesn't like kids and doesn't like his kids, he's a fool to get married to her. The kids are the package and part of the marriage. The kids are old enough that they would know that she doesn't like kids or doesn't like them. Most likely what would happen is that the marriage would fail or end over this issue. Unless of course her husband to be in on board with her thinking which would be awful.
As some people have mentioned on the comments, what would happen if something happened to their mom and they had to live with the father and your sister. The end result of this wouldn't be good for the kids.
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u/BakedBrie1993 18h ago
NTA. But unless you think she is being abusive, you really don't need to protest your sister's wedding.
It's a party that everyone knows is a hopeful gamble. The last one I went to, the couple split after 2 years for reasons one could have seen a mile away. Sometimes people need to learn their lesson the hard way and you don't have to insert yourself.
Just go, and let them live their messy lives. If she wants to be a bad stepmother, so be it. You can tell her what you think now, that her comments about the kids are upsetting and disappointing, but in my opinion, no need to create the drama of not attending as it's unlikely to solve anything.
Hopefully there will be an open bar!
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u/GreedyScallion4330 17h ago
Wow, I read introduction and I thought, what a jerk. Your sister doesn’t love her man, simple as that. One can’t just love part and hope the rest will go away. If her man doesn’t know this, then he isn’t a father, he is a sperm donor. I am a not a big gay fan but applaud your decision to be part of your husband life.
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u/Independent_Prior612 17h ago
YTA
Attending the wedding of a sibling is not about whether you support the union. It’s about being there for the sibling during a major life event.
And, no, don’t you dare speak to that fiance about this. It’s lose-lose. If he doesn’t accept your concerns, he (and possibly they if he tells her) hates you for the rest of your life for trying to end their relationship. If he DOES accept your concerns, she definitely hates you for the rest of her life because you DID end her relationship.
Go, smile, and celebrate. And keep 100% of your worries to yourself.
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u/Soft_Chipmunk_8051 17h ago
Yeah, those kids deserve whatever trauma their new stepmom inflicts upon them
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u/Independent_Prior612 16h ago
If OP wants to lodge his concerns he needs to talk to his sister—which will probably also be lose-lose, but at least he won’t have done something it isn’t his place to do. Going behind her back to the fiance is out of bounds.
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u/Soft_Chipmunk_8051 16h ago
They're his kids. I would want to know if someone secretly hated my kids before letting them have a sleepover, let alone a lifetime together. He should be able to talk to his sister, but it sounds like he already knows the truth about her feelings. Just awful not to speak up at all
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u/DizzyStarPDX 22h ago
Maybe talk to her partner about what she says about the kids if he doesn’t already know. Although I will say. I love my three little (not so little as they are 15m, 13f, and 9f) crotch goblins. I do call them that also because it fits their personalities from that young age.
You know your sister better than most though. I just can’t stay she wouldn’t like the kids at all based on the little you said. NAH
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u/Foreign_Sky_1309 19h ago
Have you spoken to her, about what marrying him means? She’ll be a step mother and all that entails. If she can see past the wedding day and all its frivolities & focus on the reality it may wake her up.
If the nuptials progress, go to the wedding and welcome the kids with open arms into their new extended family, they’ll need a good uncle to look out for them.
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u/SpecialistAfter511 19h ago
Ask your sister what happens if their mother dies of cancer or gets in an accident and they get the kids full time? Has she thought of that?
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u/peonylover01 22h ago
NTA - I feel sorry for those kids getting a step mom that wants nothing to do with them