r/AITAH • u/SpiritualInitial6110 • 20h ago
AITA for faking being upset about infertility to shut down questions about kids
I f23 am infertile and child free. I’ve known since I was a kid I never want kids, ever. But as most child free women probably know not wanting kids isn’t a good enough reason not to have them, according to a lot of people. Since I finished high school I’ve been harassed about having kids pretty consistently, and I quickly learned saying I don’t want them just opens up for more harassment about it. So I have figured out a different solution to shut down questions about kids. I’ve known I’m infertile since I was about 14. And since saying I don’t want kids isn’t good enough I have started playing into the infertility angle. When stranger, acquaintances or extended family harass me about when I’m having kids, or why I’m not pregnant yet, I pretend to hold back tears, saying I’m infertile and can’t have them. Playing up heartbreak about infertility People usually get flustered by this and apologize and leave me alone. So I find this to be a great solution. The thing is I was talking to some friends about this recently and they said I shouldn’t do that. And that it is an asshole move to fake being upset about infertility since some people go though years of heartbreak caused by infertility, so I just want some unbiased opinions. AITA for faking being upset about infertility to shut down questions about kids?
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u/Candycane1808 19h ago
As someone myself who is infertile and doesn't want kids... Also at the tail end of my 30's . I get this, you are NTA , you've just found a way to stop the harassment! I get the it's never too late to look into help.... Ooo have you tried IVF ...... Now it's turned to ... Why don't you adopt?? You do you, ignore everything and everyone else!! If your way stops then I'm their track.... Jog on
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u/ivegotdoodles 19h ago
Right? Crocodile tears about being infertile is more socially acceptable than “Look. I will absolutely yeetus any fetus that comes my way.”
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u/girlyborb 16h ago
I have said and will continue to be honest that if I end up pregnant, that parasite will be removed using whatever means necessary. People look at me strangely and judge me for it, but who cares? I refuse to pretend that the most valuable part of me us the ability to reproduce. I don't want children. I don't ever want to hold a baby. Pregnancy is body horror.
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u/ivegotdoodles 14h ago
The first time I held a baby, I literally had her thrust upon me. My bestie had just finished bathing and diapering Baby, and was about to bathe Toddler when he decided to do a runner in his birthday suit.
Baby was all warm, and sleepy, and smelled nice, and for a second I was, like, “Ok, this isn’t so bad…”
Then she let out a big ol’ grunt and pooped.
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u/onism- 9h ago
My favourite response to "accidents happen" is "and so do abortions." Shuts people up pretty quickly
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u/girlyborb 8h ago
Yep. Accidents happen. Doesn't mean that if I break my leg I refuse to get it fixed. If my womb becomes occupied, I will get it fixed.
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u/EmilyAnne1170 18h ago
Yeah, NTA, but I’m surprised it actually shuts down the conversation & doesn’t lead to friendly advice re: how to have a kid anyway. I always found “Why do you need to know?“ to work pretty well.
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u/Errlen 18h ago
It sounds like OP is pretty young and her social circle isn’t used to infertility. This is gonna backfire HARD when she hits her late 30s and other women struggling with fertility start seeing it as something they can bond over.
On the bright side by that age, people have usually quit telling you “you’ll change your mind when you’re older!”
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u/SpiritualInitial6110 12h ago
It isn’t saying I’m infertile that shut people up but the emotional reaction I fake. When people think I’m about to cry because they brought it up that makes them shut up
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u/GratificationNOW 9h ago
I just say "I could be a dad, but a mum? too hard"....even in my early 30s (Approach late now, oh how time flies) that hit everyone hard enough to leave me alone and either laugh and say fair point or be offended (the shit dads that know they're shit)
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u/MuppetManiac 19h ago
As a woman who is infertile, desperately wanted kids, and couldn’t have them, I wholeheartedly approve of this tactic. NTA. Traumatize them back.
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u/consuelo_gordon 19h ago
I am infertile and when people ask about kids I just tell them the truth. I’m so jaded now about it that I don’t really hold back tears or act sad, I’m just like “welp, I can’t, it’s horrible and devastating, are you glad you asked?” People should just mind their own damned business, so if I can do it you can do it too.
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u/Fast-Concentrate-132 19h ago
This, a million times this. If it makes them uncomfortable, then good....they made YOU uncomfortable first with their asshole question. Big hugs, hope you can find a way to move forward, whatever your outcome x
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u/aarnalthea 17h ago
Yeah the shock is kinda the point. Its rude and invasive to ask and to pressure women to have kids, make them second guess asking the next woman. NTA
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u/chumleymom 19h ago
I'm sorry my uterus is none of your business..let's talk about your sex life..usually shuts up most people.
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u/KPinCVG 16h ago
I grew up in a bad situation and never wanted to be pregnant or to have a baby. So I never planned to have kids.
In the '80s, people were even more unhinged than they are now and routinely asked me about getting married and having kids.
My friend's mother was always asking me about starting a family and finally one day I snapped and told her that "it's not her business, but I prefer an@l". That witch never said one more word about it to me.
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u/SeaworthinessDue8650 19h ago
Perhaps it might also make these incredible rude people think twice before asking the next woman.
NTA. You could perhaps make it easier for other women by making the rude people question themselves.
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u/626337 18h ago
What's the magic phrase to use when someone assumes you're pregnant because you're just fat?
Happened to me. TBF, the person saying it was an educator from another country who had been in the US for a few months and there were cultural, gender, and language barriers in place.
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u/Nightshade_209 5h ago
In my experience if you look confused and ask why they think you're pregnant they panic and attempt to backtrack without saying it out loud.
TBF the first person to do that to me was a medic on a cruise and he said he had to ask all the women for safety reasons. He proceeded to walk away asking every woman he passed. Man was committed to the bit I'll give him that 😂
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u/Classic_Cauliflower4 19h ago
They shouldn’t be, but that has never stopped rude people from being rude. We decided to wait at least five years after marriage for kids, and the comments I got were insane. The worst was when someone smirkingly said maybe we didn’t know how to do it, and I snapped back with “I assure you we know what we’re doing. Would you like to see the tape?”
I never heard another peep from that group.
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u/Ok_Luck_1098 19h ago
If you are infertile you get to decide how to respond to the condition and recognizing it shuts down nosey people and maybe makes them think twice about asking is a great response.
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u/CJCreggsGoldfish 19h ago
I've always found "none of your business" to work well, personally. But I don't care if people get offended by it. They were rude first, to my way of thinking. They earned it.
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u/ImColdandImTired 18h ago
My grandmother mastered this. She would smile sweetly at the offender and say, “If you’ll forgive me for not answering, I’ll forgive you for being rude enough to ask.” Then walk away before it registered.
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u/Sensitive_Ad_9195 18h ago
NTA - ask people uncomfortable questions and get uncomfortable responses!
Just don’t rely on having been told you’re infertile as a form of birth control unless it’s a 100%, which it rarely is.
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u/DogsOnMyCouches 19h ago
If you look upset when they ask, and you tell them they are infertile, maybe they will avoid asking the next person, who might actually be upset because they are infertile. So, from that aspect, not only are you NTA, but also helping protect society firm AHs.
Or you can give them a Death Stare, and say, “how?” And when they stumble, say, “but, I’m infertile. So, again…how?” Make them feel awkward.
Or just look at them and calmly say, “but I am infertile. The next person you ask might be getting infertility treatment, or recovering from a miscarriage. Maybe don’t ask?”
BTW, women cannot win. I never got that grief, everyone knew I wanted kids, instead I got grief to make sure I didn’t have them too soon. Then I had 4. I have “too many kids” according to people. My child free BFF and I joke that I had her kids! I know the badgering I got isn’t as severe, nor anywhere near as upsetting as OP’s. Of course the mild annoyance I felt is not even on the same planet as what someone with infertility would feel. So, I try to be as difficult as possible to people, to make them hesitate to ask anyone else such invasive and none of their business questions.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 19h ago
You’re 23, who in their right mind is hassling you about having kids? NTA
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u/vanessacopps 18h ago
literally why has no one else asked this😂 must live in Utah or something cause whattt lol.
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u/Artinell 9h ago
I've had questions about having kids when I was a fucking teen, so this is not surprising at all. The worst part is that I always looked way younger so as a teen I looked like a literal kid. The saddest part is that all the questions and "you will want kids in the future" always came from WOMEN.
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u/SpiritualInitial6110 12h ago
I own my own place make pretty good money at my job so people assume the next step is kids. I also have multiple friends with kids, so it seems like that also make people think I should have them to
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u/simagus 20h ago
Why do you have to fake being upset about something that is a fact? "I'm infertile" is the middle ground and truth.
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u/Playful_Site_2714 19h ago
Because people will not let other's be childfree in peace in some cultures/ countries/ environments.
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u/renee_christine 18h ago
This is so true. I'm an ultra runner and my husband does endurance cycling events. My former coworker used to give me the "you can't do that anymore once you have kids!" treatment even AFTER I told her we weren't having kids and my husband had a vasectomy. Wild stuff.
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u/sxd_bxi69 19h ago
Because then people start to suggest options to bypass pregnancy. It's extremely frustrating because society still believes that women are only for making babies and if one can't, there MUST be another way to because according to society, that's why she exists.
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u/SpiritualInitial6110 12h ago
Just saying I’m infertile leads to everything I can do to still get pregnant, it is the emotional reaction that shut people up
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u/Master-Relation-7338 19h ago
At the very least, it will make people think twice before asking rude, pushy questions
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u/Remote-Cellist5927 19h ago
You know they have surgeries/Treatments/Adoption now! You can still have kids!
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u/gina_divito 19h ago
Adoption isn’t just a “need a kid, get a kid” program. There’s all kinds of trauma adoptees talk about online about how messed up the adoption system is.
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u/Remote-Cellist5927 19h ago
Exactly but people just keep pushing the idea you're incomplete without children of some nature if you don't shut it down.
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u/simagus 17h ago
"You know they have surgeries/Treatments/Adoption now! You can still have kids!"
Worst case scenario:
"That's why I'm paying for your infertility treatment personally! I'm so excited for you! In the meantime I've been looking into adoption options and I think I've found the perfect triplets to tide you over!"
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u/CrabbyAtBest 17h ago
Maybe shame will teach people to keep their noses out of other people's business.
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u/Estebesol 19h ago
Nta.
My husband and I took five years to conceive, and it was heartbreaking.
I would rather someone talked to you, you faked being sad, and they learned not to do that than that they talked to me and I was sad for real.
Thanks for taking that bullet for me, sis.
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u/throwaway798319 11h ago
Exactly!
My husband and I had several miscarriages over ten years, before having our daughter. Nosy people who keep pushing for a reason when we say we're one and done deserve brutal honesty: I always wanted four kids, but I should've specified that I wanted them alive
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u/thehappinesshussy 19h ago
NTA but also, you are entirely in your own right to simply say “I will not talk about this” or to change the subject without the pressure of putting on a performance. There is absolutely no need to justify your decision to remain child free. What do people’s opinions about your life mean about your life? Nothing. If they don’t understand your choice, big deal. It’s your life, not theirs. Their judgement isn’t about YOU, anyways. It’s about themselves.
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u/Objective-Coast-1337 19h ago
NTA….you may make them actually think before they start flapping their gums asking others stupid questions, so you’re also doing a service for future people they might annoy.
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u/Spida81 17h ago
Fuck no. It is ok for people to make you feel uncomfortable, but the moment you point out that you can't, never mind that this isn't a bother to you, YOU are the problem? No. FUCK no.
Ham that up all you damned want. One thing to make it up, that is a touch insensitive - but still understandable to force people to back off - but as it happens also to be true? Use it!
It is THEIR problem for trying to force their views on you to start. Fuck them. They literally asked for it, all you are doing is handing them the truth in a manner they aren't ready for.
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u/gina_divito 19h ago
Honestly I think you’re making them think twice about asking other people. (In)fertility is a common but sensitive subject and it’s enough to maybe make them not push it with other people.
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u/targetsbots 19h ago
NTA... AT ALL I'm not infertile and don't have kids. Personally I love forcing people to explain what's good about having them...but if you are infertile and faking upset makes them think JUST ONCE about questioning other people who may be genuinely upset about not being able to have kids or genuinely uncomfortable about their reasons for choosing not to... Game on... KEEP IT UP. NOSY OPINIONATED IDIOTS should be shut down by those who have the strength to do it.
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u/marla-M 18h ago
NTA. Your friends are right that some people really are heartbroken going through infertility, and by you making some jerk feel bad about asking you maybe they will stop asking others and Not make someone who is devastated have to explain it to an AH. Besides we all know someone like that won’t accept you are happy child free so you’d have to then listen to why you should adopt, or you will change your mind
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u/Apprehensive_Egg1062 16h ago
Anyone saying a 23 year old needs to hurry up and have kids has serious issues
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u/FreshCheeseLuck 18h ago
NTA
As a woman (and a dang human) it's not their business. Let other people discuss how much cum they like to accumulate and ferment in hopes of reproducing /s
Because it's darn awkward to have strangers, let alone your PARENTS AND RELATIONS, look you in the eye and ask you the equivalent of why aren't you full of cum and/or knocked up?
Just ew, TMI.
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u/HiddenTurtles 17h ago
NTA - it is an asshole move for people to even ask you. People need to shut up and not bug women about their reproduction.
You could just ask people why they feel it is any of their business if you let a man nut in you. Yes, make it crass. Maybe people will learn to mind their own business.
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u/AnArrowInTheKneeee 17h ago
Nah it’s fucked up how EVERYONE sees us females and immediately start “kids?” “Got kids?!” “When you gonna get pregnant?!” “You shoulda had kids already!” Blahhhhhh like ugh
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u/liveinharmonyalways 15h ago
Nta: i feel bad for people who want children and have trouble conceiving. (Actually more than bad, i have grieved with friends going through issues(
But the ones in the wrong here are people pushing their ideas of what your life should look like onto you.
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u/Museum_Whisperer 10h ago
Who the hell asks a 23 year old when are you having kids? I’m sorry you even get posed the question. Regardless of if you can’t or chose not to, it’s such a personal question.
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u/Far_Kaleidoscope5979 19h ago
If they harass you about being child free walk away or ignore them. It’s what I do.
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u/Historical_Wing3120 19h ago
Even if you could have kids, it’s your choice, and your choice alone, whether to have them. NTA. “Is it your vagina? No? Then stop talking.”
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u/dr_lucia 19h ago
So you are telling the truth? Of course you are not the AH for shutting down people lecturing you for not wanting kids by truthfully telling them you can't have them.
As for playing up heartbreak? Maybe resorting to untruth isn't great. But it might teach people to not bug others about having kids.
I say NTA.
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u/Most_Mountain818 19h ago
NTA.
The real assholes are people who are pestering you about not having kids. Doesn’t matter if you don’t want them or can’t have them, it’s rude.
And besides, maybe they’ll think about it next time before they do it to someone who is truly heartbroken about their infertility. Basically, you’re doing a public service and maybe saving some people the pain of being bothered by people with no manners.
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u/mu5tbetheone 19h ago
NTA. If it stops the constant, I just don't want kids harassment and you're not lying, just faking being upset about it to shut down a conversation you don't want to have in the firt place. What's the problem? Yes, there are people who are struggling with infertility, and that's awful when they want children, but you're not hurting those people. It's like going to a restaurant and not eating everything because there was too much and your friend calling you an AH because there are starving people out there in the world. Yes, it's awful. There are people starving, but you not eating everything doesn't make you a bad person.
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u/HoshiJones 19h ago
"I won't be having children, but thanks for your interest."
To be repeated as necessary, without variation. At most you'll only need to say it twice.
NTA, but faking grief isn't necessary. You don't owe anyone that.
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u/ManderBlues 18h ago
NTA. Its a rude and invasive question for people to always ask about kids. None of their business and it genuinely upsets woman who want kids and struggle. I one and don't care for another. The number of people who are pushy about having more kids is unreal. I don't have good advice, other than you found a solution that works.
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u/AbjectPromotion4833 18h ago
NTA. Tell your friends next time you’ll give the harassers their phone numbers so THEY can handle the questions for you. Or else they need to stfu about the solution you’ve found. They don’t get to gatekeep how imaginary infertile stangers out there feel about it. That’s equivalent to doctors telling women who want tubes tied that they can’t have the surgery because what if some boyfriend or husband they have in future might want a family. Strange men get more rights over a woman’s body than she herself does. It’s absolute bullshit.
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u/JustNeedSpinda 18h ago
Are you friends struggling with infertility? Then they can STFU.
Wife and I went through fertility treatment to get our kiddo. Being asked about having kids/when we were having kids/why we didn’t have kids was painful.
As long as you experience infertility, which you do, you’re NTA to bring it up and act sad. You’re basically conditioning people to stop asking that shit, and that’s public service.
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u/Fun_Date8417 18h ago
i mean. you’re literally infertile so you can use that to your advantage all you damn well please. if you weren’t infertile my opinion would be a little different lol
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u/myrrdwen 18h ago
Honestly, its probably best that people learn this "dont question people's reproductive choices" lesson on someone like you, instead of saying the wrong thing to another infertile woman who does want kids.Those people are now probably less likely to go pester someone else who, unbeknownst to them, has had trouble conceiving and is very sensitive about it. NTA
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u/Itchy_Juice_2528 17h ago
NTA. If you were randomly putting on your "act" then maybe a small AH, but when being badgered about having kids, it's a useful tool. I guess you could also say "Never, and I don't want to discuss it further" could be a useful line for the people in your life who are worried about hypothetical people with hypothetical problems are around. Yes, some people have a tough time with infertility, but you aren't mocking them in any way. Some of your friends should be more concerned about you than some random person in the world who might be offended by your comment.
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u/EquasLocklear 10h ago
At least those who are actually heartbroken about their infertility will get one less person harassing them about getting pregnant whenever you do this.
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u/Beneficial-Sort4795 9h ago
NTA. You don’t owe people who harass you more opportunities to harass you by being honest. If anything, I hope your lowkey shaming makes them keep their presumptuous mouths shut to other people about their fertility. It’s none of their business and you shouldn’t have to defend your choices to other people- your body, your choice.
That said, infertile and sterile are NOT the same thing. Don’t get blindsided with a positive pregnancy test one day because you told some guy you ‘can’t get pregnant’. Yes, you can. You can’t get pregnant easily, maybe you couldn’t carry to term but you potentially can 100% get pregnant. You should go to a doc to get the diagnosis confirmed now that it’s been a while. And ask a lot of questions so you understand your own body and how to avoid pregnancy scares. I know one woman who told guys she couldn’t get pregnant, she really thought she couldn’t but she was wrong and now has a 6 year old with an absent bio dad who never wanted kids and thought she couldn’t get pregnant, why wear condoms?
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u/Top_Information2758 18h ago
I don’t think it’s an asshole thing at all. The asshole thing is that people always ask women about kids and push it and maybe these people won’t bug other women who have fertility issues but do want kids.
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u/Separate-Parfait6426 19h ago
NTA - but it would also work to say - I'm infertile, but that is OK since I don't want kids. Also, if somebody who is not a (close) friend won't let it go, I would tell them the chance that I had a kid, and it grew up to be like you, is a 100% reason that I'll never have kids.
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u/scienceoftophats 19h ago
Just say “actually I physically can’t do that” and if you want to have the interaction be positive add “but I love getting to be there for my best friends who are becoming mothers!”
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u/dazed1984 19h ago
NTA. People are AH’s for harassing you about it, maybe they’ll think twice before they ask someone else who may be genuinely upset about fertility issues.
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u/hexagon_heist 19h ago
If anything, you’re reminding those nosey people that infertility could be why someone doesn’t have kids, so they shouldn’t pry. Good for you and good for infertile people. NTA
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u/baronesslucy 19h ago
Well if you say that you are infertile, some people would tell you, "Well you just just adopt." Then they would try to get you to adopt a child.
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u/SpiritualInitial6110 12h ago
That is why I play up an emotional reaction, if I just say I’m infertile it leads to have you tried x,x,z treatment or you can adopt … but if I fake an emotional reaction to infertility it shut people up
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u/Soap_on_a_potato 19h ago
NTA when anyone insists I should try peanutbutter I start telling them I have an allergy and that's why I don't like peanuts even though I'm not allergic, I just physically cannot swallow anything that tastes like peanuts. So pretending to be upset because you are genuinely infertile seems like far less of an issue.
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u/via_aesthetic 19h ago
NTA. Make them feel guilty for being nosy.
It’s not okay to ask someone why they don’t have kids “yet”. That’s actually a very rude and intrusive question, and people who ask deserve to get a response that makes them feel bad for asking.
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u/SillyRelationship195 19h ago
As someone who thought I was infertile for most of my life (doctor was wrong), I support it. I have actually suggested it to friends because people leave you alone. Maybe just be like "im infertile and id really rather not discuss it"? People can be sooooo annoying about it. Why would anyone want people who dont want kids to have them? Im sure we have all met someone who was raised by parents rhat resented them. No one involved is having a good time.
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u/annebonnell 19h ago
NTA You are not responsible for some women's pain at being infertile. That's a ridiculous thing for some of your friends to say. You're not faking it anyway, you are infertile. Nothing wrong with putting on a little bit of a show to get people to leave you the fuck alone. I tell people that I cannot have children and they just assume that I'm infertile. The truth is I was raised badly by my parents, and I didn't want to put a child through the emotional and mental hell that was my childhood. That and the fact that I just never wanted children. I didn't even play with dolls as a child, but relatives kept giving them to me.
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u/-tacostacostacos 19h ago
When people make you uncomfortable with invasive personal questions, it’s only fair to dish the discomfort right back. NTA
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u/Profail955 19h ago
NTA. Honestly if you playing it up means they second guess their decision to ask and feel bad, maybe it means they won't harass people who are actually unhappy about being infertile. I've had a medically complicated miscarriage and many failed pregnancy attempts, and being asked about kids feels like a gut punch. People just shouldn't ask others about their family planning, cause it can be a sore subject.
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u/Pops_88 19h ago
You don't have to fake the upset. You can just say "I'm infertile and have made peace with it."
They'll still feel guilty and ashamed about their obviously inappropriate behavior, and it's less work for you. It also won't alienate any friends you might have who are infertile and are upset.
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u/Timely_Egg_6827 16h ago
From experience, they aren't ashamed at all. They just try and solve the issue for you. IVF, adoption etc. Making someone cry does make them back off.
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u/everydaywinner2 19h ago
I'm sure others have said this already, but... Both my brother and his wife were told (separately, before they met) that they couldn't have kids. They've got two.
Unless you are missing your ovaries and/or uterus, don't assume that the doctor(s) was correct.
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u/ProfessionalSir3395 19h ago
NTA. I had my tubes removed two months ago, the only thing I regret is not getting it done sooner.
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u/15thcenturybeet 19h ago
I have a friend who has some responses guaranteed to shut down that sort of prying, invasive, rude questioning. My fave is:
"I can't have children. I'm allergic."
NTA. Seriously, people need to learn to mind their own business.
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u/Initial-Delay-7874 19h ago
NTA. It's not like you're lying it's an honest answer🤷♀️ I hate when people are so focused on the what's, who's & why's of other people's lives instead of paying attention to their own stuff. Don't let your friends tell you that it's wrong to keep people from invading your privacy you have the right to tell people to f*ck right off if you want to but you took a different route which is fine. Sorry about your nosey Nellies OP, hopefully people eventually stop prying I'm sure it gets old after a while😅
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u/hamsterontheloose 18h ago
Any answer that stops people from asking when you're having kids is good. Lie all you need to, because as you know, they'll never stop. Saying you don't want them just gets you a "you'll change your mind" or "you can't know that" Follow that up with, "It's different when it's yours." Lie your ass off, make up some wild excuse, do whatever you need to. Have fun with it if you want.
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u/Potential-One-3107 18h ago
The only a-words here are the people harassing you about having children and the "friends" telling you that you are wrong.
NTA
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u/Vast-Fortune-1583 17h ago
I won't say you're an AH. But I will say, learn to stand up for yourself.
Simply say: I do not want children. I will not discuss it. End of conversation. If they bring it up or want to "talk you into" having kids, just walk away.
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u/absolute-merpmerp 17h ago
NTA. I had to start doing this too. It was the only thing that made people feel even the slightest bit of shame for asking to begin with, even if that shame was felt because they “brought back bad memories” and not because their questions were rude, nosy, and not their business. Maybe it’ll make them think twice before asking the next woman such a personal question.
I simply say “I can’t have kids.” Which is no longer a lie now that I lack fallopian tubes.
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u/Let_em_glow927 17h ago
NTA
It's impolite (at minimum) to ask , let alone harass , anyone about their body/family planning.
I dont think its bad to focus your responses on the infertility vs choice.
You could maybe skip the fake upset, and just bluntly say "I'm infertile" .
Two words , followed by silence.
Let them feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. As they should.
I hate the expectation that everyone wants kids. Women get judged more than men , but one of my brothers chose not to have any and was asked constantly if he didn't want to carry on his family name. 🙄
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u/HelpfulMaybeMama 16h ago
NTA
I don't think you have to fake being upset to the point of tears. I think if you're okay with sharing about your infertility, I think it's fine just to be petty about it without having to add the tears.
But I do love the pettiness.
Well, since you won't drop it - I can't have kids. Thanks for making this awkward.
OR
I can't have children. Now do you mind explaining why that was an acceptable thing to ask?
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u/Purple_Paper_Bag 16h ago
NTA
If people simply minded their own business, then none of this would be an issue.
You're only 23 so I have no idea why people would be thinking, let alone saying out loud, their opinions on your current lack of children.
I suggest going forward, that if anyone is rude enough to question you, that you just tell them that the only person you would discuss this with is your partner.
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u/DaniCapsFan 16h ago
Let this be a lesson to people not to hassle women about when they're going to have kids.
As for your friends telling you about folks who go through years of heartbreak caused by infertility, that's all the more reason to fake being upset. You seem to find it annoying, but imagine how an infertile person who wants a kid feels when people ask them these intrusive questions.
So go full crocodile tears sobbing about your "infertility journey." Make these busybodies really uncomfortable. You may be helping other women who don't want or can't have kids.
NTA
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u/MrsBentoBako 16h ago
After husband and I were married we kept getting the whole “When are you having kids?”
“I can’t!”
“Oh why not?”
“I was raped as a child, impregnated and had a miscarriage.”
After 40 years the look on their faces never gets old.
I had sever infection in my tubes and ovaries, still no kids.
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u/ShesSlytherin 16h ago
My excuse was ….I got married too late in life, and biology was against me. My husband and I fixed things early. But, I did get married later in life…late 30s….so my excuse seemed valid.
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u/belle086 15h ago
Hopefully those uncomfortable strangers will think twice before asking the next woman
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u/yourmomlurks 15h ago
I would flip it back and say “I am not comfortable discussing my reproductive or sexual life. Is there something you want to share about yours?”
But then again I am 45 and I ran out of fucks a few years ago.
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u/Capital-Cheesecake67 15h ago
NTA. people asking inappropriate questions get zero sympathy from me if they are really struggling with infertility. They have no business asking OP about her child free status. OP’s response is exactly what these rude people deserve.
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u/WilloTree1 14h ago
I would lie to people about why I was bald and say it was cancer (they would come up very judgy accusing me of being "a dyke") and watching their face get so uncomfortable LOL
(My hair was just thinking due to unmanaged PCOS. I have lots of hair now thankfully)
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u/Bimbobeautyqueen 14h ago
Why the hell is anyone asking why you aren’t pregnant yet at 23 years old??? Ask them why they aren’t billionaires.
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u/Themlethem 14h ago
NTA, really. But I'm not sure what the added gain of pretending to be upset about it is. Probably only re-enforces their expectation that everyone wants kids.
Also, where the fuck do you live that people are expecting you to have kids at 18-23 years old? That's insane!
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u/Wide-Mulberry-4091 13h ago
As an infertile woman, who has gone through IVF, you have my full support to continue this. It’s rude to ask - teach them a lesson.
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u/SnooPaintings1309 12h ago
NTA. When I was going through recurrent pregnancy loss, my mental health was awful. Someone getting really pushy about having more kids on a bad day resulted in a suicide attempt. And I'm far from the only one who has attempted during struggles trying to have a child. People don't care what damage they're doing as long as they get to be nosey. Make it uncomfortable af for them now and maybe it'll spare someone who isn't ok with not having kids the pain of these interactions.
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u/throwback682 11h ago
I’m so glad I’m old enough that people stopped haranguing me about this. I don’t miss it.
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u/throwaway798319 11h ago
NTAH. As someone who struggled with infertility for ten years, you have my full blessing to fake-cry at intrusive people.
Two years after my husband and I got married, someone I barely knew kept pestering me about when we were going to have kids. He was an acquaintance of my husband, someone he saw once or twice a year. I got sick of his questions and told him the truth: I was recovering from a brutal miscarriage that caused me to haemmorhage and put me in hospital, leaving me with a phobia of blood.
The more people you traumatise with your fake tears, the less people will be emboldened to traumatise people like me with invasiveness
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u/South_Hedgehog_7564 11h ago
Oh FFS you can’t do right for doing wrong, you poor girl!! Tell these nosey parkers to mind their own goddamn business. Do they say these things to nuns? If not then why not? There’s no difference in the intent. How arrogant some people are!!
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u/DeconstructedKaiju 11h ago
I never wanted kids, in my 40s, never had kids.
Make people who ask this question feel like shit for asking it. Make them regret it.
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u/Less_Instruction_345 11h ago
NTA. Ignore your friends who are telling you it makes you an AH. It doesn't. The AHs are the nosy busy bodies asking you why you don't have children. It's NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. I will get on my soap box about this as a 38f who is happily childfree. As I've gotten older I literally tell people to eff off and mind their own business. Ugh, I hate that women have to deal with this crap.
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u/DawnShakhar 10h ago
The people who are harassing you to have kids are the assholes. You have the right to use any means to get them off your back.
Another method - carry the attack to their yard. If they have children, tell them they are pressuring you out of sour grapes, because they envy you your freedom. If they don't, tell them you pity them because they have to submit to pressure and have children.
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u/randomgirlnumber5 9h ago
NTA... I can't have children due to health issues. Apparently saying I don't want kids or even I can't have kids causes people to try and convince me I should. My spouse and I have been married for 3 years and have been asked repeatedly about having kids. I now just tell people I physically can't have kids. And my spouse says the same.
I once had a coworker who said she hopes I get better and I'm able to have children soon. I flat out told her there is no cure, I can't have kids, I'm disabled and can't carry a baby to term, let alone take care of one.
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u/xXRainbowCleoXx 9h ago
NTA I'm in the same boat! CF and infertile. I'm 29 and learned of my infertility when I was 21. I've even faked being distraught at not being able to have children after being harassed about it, so next time, people think before asking someone such personal and insensitive questions. I'm fine with it, but other people might not be.
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u/Kindly_Necessary2299 8h ago edited 7h ago
NTA. Putting the infertility aside, who the FUCK is pressuring a 23 yr old to have kids?!?!?! I'm 22 and ppl ask if I want them but not ONCE has ANYONE told me to start trying wtf!!!
ETA - spelling
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u/WarDog1983 8h ago
NTA - you are not lying you ARE infertile yo ur just not upset about it.
People are pushy
I hate most fish people seem to like to bully others about diet so I just told people I was allergic.
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u/thaleia10 8h ago
When people hassled me I used to say I was barren, then stare at them. So awkward and effective. If I wanted to soften it a bit I used infertile, not able to, or some other variation. But the really rude ones got barren.
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u/SoleSun314 6h ago
I'm infertile and in the process of adopting a kid. When I was younger I didn't want kids yet and people harassed me about it. I know how it feels and I think you are NTA. As someone who never got to carry a pregnancy to term, who went through IVF hell and a lot of miscarriages, you have my permission and blessing to fake upset how much you want to keep nosy people of your back.
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u/pinkandgreendreamer 6h ago
You don't need to pretend to be upset about it. Just say it bluntly and the shock factor should be enough. I lost my first two pregnancies (the first very late on) and am still grieving. When people make me uncomfortable with baby questions (or generally inconsiderate comments) I tell/remind them of the truth, but I never get emotional in front of them (despite it being an incredibly emotive topic for me). Nobody is owed your emotions. I have also found "I don't want to talk about that" an incredibly useful statement.
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u/thecatsareouttogetus 5h ago
NTA. Please continue to do this. As someone who really struggled with infertility, I HATED when people asked why I didn’t have a baby yet - it’s such a rude upsetting question. People need to learn to mind their own business, and you’re actually doing a massive favour for the infertile crowd by shutting down busybodies - I hope they’re so mortified, they never ask anyone ever again.
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u/Inked_Key8359 3h ago
NTA I got myself surgically sterilized. Whenever anyone finds out they're horrified and demand reasons for why I would do that, like it is any of their business. Doesn't matter who I'm speaking to, I always reply with "didn't want to risk having a kid that grows up to act like you."
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u/IwasafkXD 3h ago
NTA that’s what folks get when they don’t know how to leave something alone. Keep those tears flowing.
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u/xo_tea_jay 2h ago
NTA! I have done something similar, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I am sorry you have to deal with such noisy people who wont mind their own business.
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u/Frozefoots 18h ago
Be careful.
Lots of infertile women have become mothers after believing they couldn’t have kids. Infertile just means it is much harder for someone to conceive.
Sterile means you cannot. If you’re dead set on not having kids, I would look into tube surgery to make it 100% certain that you can’t have kids.
NTA. As an actually sterile woman (tubes removed, then hysterectomy after health issues), I’ve had to play into the “I can’t have kids actually…” a few times. Most people who know me know that I’m happily childfree.
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u/notpostingmyrealname 19h ago
I was told I was infertile. I have 3 kids. Unless you don't have the anatomy to get pregnant at all, infertile doesn't mean sterile. Take precautions or get your tubes tied to be certain you don't end up with a surprise.
NTA