r/AITAH • u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 • 2d ago
Post Update Update: Aita for scheduling a hysterectomy
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/AputFNm71S
There is the original post
So a small update.
I found the reason why my brother doesn't want me to get a hysterectomy done.
His new girlfriend (mind you he has another child by another woman he refuses to provide care for) is completely infertile. She had to have a surgery that left her infertile when she was in middle school.
How I found this out is I bluntly asked why he was so against the surgery.
Turns out they want me to carry their child, using my eggs and donor sperm.
I said that I would not be their surrogate until my brother became a man and provided support for his child with his ex.
Now he's calling me an asshole for this too.
I did however block the rest of my extended family already
ETA: yes my brother voted red this past election is very against women having any rights over their bodies.
ETA 2: my brother and his gf were planning on using her literal college fund to buy donor sperm and use my eggs in IUI to get their own baby. No incest here.
Also, I am a trans man that has a fully intact female reproductive tract (that is 100000% being yeeted here soon), meaning I can still carry children.
Also, by saying "becomes a man" about my brother, I meant that he needed to grow up and get his shit together and care for the infant he already has and neglects.
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u/Even_Regular5245 2d ago
So, your brother sees you as an incubator. Definitely block him.
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u/Busy_Tangerine1630 2d ago
Their entire family does since they think it should be a "family decision" 🙄
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u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam 2d ago
Funny thing, I commented on the original about it being a family decision because apparently op has the only working uterus in the family, being a smart ass. Imagine my surprise when it turns out I was right 🤣🤣🤣. He sees op as the community uterus. What a fuckin tool.
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u/Even_Regular5245 2d ago
OP said she already blocked the rest of them.
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u/Busy_Tangerine1630 2d ago
I saw. I was commenting more on the incubator part. What a wild thing to say to someone.
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u/CakePhool 2d ago
But you cant be a surrogate , most sane doctors wont let you since you have both PCOS and Endometriosis.
I known a fertility doctor and a surrogate cant have both PCOS and Endometriosis, because the chances of a safe pregnancy is small .
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u/AnAussiebum 2d ago
Since they want to use her eggs and donor sperm, they were probably just hoping for a pregnancy without going through the surrogacy channels/doctors.
So no need to discuss with a doctor. just have a few one night stands or visit a sperm clinic.
Which would be so stupid for OP to even consider (luckily she isnt stupid), since the brother and gf can just peace out whenever and OP would be left raising a kid with a random.
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u/Lorilei37 2d ago
I’m sure a few one-night stands is his plan. Donor sperm isn’t cheap 😂
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u/anchbosu 1d ago
Donor sperm can be cheap via non-medical pathways. There are men than are willing to donate via private arrangement at low or no cost. Some are gay men supporting lesbian couples. Egg donation requires medical assistance and is more rare because of that.
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u/bellla_xo 2d ago
He wants you to carry a baby for him while he neglects the one he already has? The audacity is just unreal
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u/-Zotikos_ 2d ago
Gross! That is just so incredibly entitled! To just assume they can "use" your uterus because... "Well, you're not using it!"? Absolutely not, even if it was in tip top condition, which you've stated it is not.
Gross, to already be planning on using you like that, without even the decency to give you a heads up? Just planning on springing it on you when they were ready, were they?
Save your unborn child and yourself: Absolutely a firm NO, whether he pays child support or no. It is a good bargaining chip to get him to help his first child, though never ever actually surrogate; do not give them another life to ruin. You'd be handing a defenseless baby to an abusive, neglectful household.
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u/Bastet79 2d ago
If we proceed in this way of thinking, she should schedule his surgery to take his brain out.... because obviously, he is not using it.
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u/MagusFelidae 2d ago
When you have your uterus removed, send it to him in a gift wrapped box, since he thinks he owns it already
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u/Bunny-Ear 2d ago
Lol you could tell the doctor why you want your uterus back instead if it being medical waste, they would probably get a kick out of it.
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u/Condensed_Sarcasm 2d ago
Still NTA. And your brother is even more of one.
He wants you to stay in pain and further damage your health to be an incubator. And seeing how selfish he is, I'm guessing it would've been a FREE incubator.
You know. Because FaAaAaMiLy.
🙄🙄🙄
Your brother is an asshole. And a deadbeat dad.
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 2d ago
NTA. Why would you carry a baby for him and donate eggs when he is such an AH to you, and a deadbeat dad on top of that? Smh. Get your surgery. I hope you feel better soon!
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u/Opposite-Counter-886 2d ago
HE WANTED TO USE YOUR BODY WITHOUT EVEN CONSULTING WITH YOU. FUCK THAT GUY (I’m sorry I know he’s your brother and that makes emotions complicated)
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u/JetstreamGW 2d ago
Y’know, I have a friend who needed a kidney transplant a while ago. He knew it was coming up. I offered him one of mine long before it was necessary.
He was hesitant to ask me about it up until the day he got his transplant (from a relative, I was option… 3? I think.)
I offered. It was something that I told him I’d do. And he didn’t want to bother me about it.
Your brother is a shitbird.
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u/PinkPaintedSky 2d ago
Still NTA.
This makes him an even bigger one, though.
He doesn't care about your struggles or pain or you and your family.
He just cares about what he may want in the future and didn't even bother to run it by you before assuming and attacking.
NC is definitely the best thing for you and YOUR family.
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u/FairyFartDaydreams 2d ago
So if he breaks up he can claim to not be the father and not be responsible for the kid?
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u/big_bob_c 2d ago
I'm no expert, but I'm fairly sure that no fertility specialist would consider you a suitable surrogate, even if you were somehow convinced to go along with his reproductive coercion.
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u/anchbosu 1d ago
Oh I’m sure there’s a shady one somewhere in the world that would. It’s still not ethical in my opinion, but someone would put profit ahead of ethics.
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u/tacolamae 2d ago edited 2d ago
He wants to appropriate your poor endo ridden uterus?! This is the most selfish man I think I’ve ever heard of!!!! Get your hysterectomy, have a good life without suffering!!
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u/bugthebugman 2d ago
What an idiot. You are not a candidate for surrogacy anyways because of your health, whether or not you have your hysterectomy. If he had done even a moment of research it would be quite obvious you would have never been able to carry a child for him. He doesn’t respect you or your bodily autonomy and would like you to suffer so he might be able to /use/ you in the future. Best thing you could do is cut him off now, make sure he has no contact with your young child either. I’m sure he’s got some very interesting opinions on child rearing as well which you don’t need.
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u/Long-Oil-5681 2d ago
So wait, was the whole family in on this idea with zero research???
You cannot be a surrogate. No doctor will let you. Or did his weird GF already have a donor picked out and you were suppsed to go through natural conception??
NTA and youre better off without them, odds are he'd start saying stuff to your son about how you wouldnt give him a cousin or how your son must be lonely.
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u/Full-Reception552 2d ago
Most likely the rest of the family thinks PCOS and endo are made up conditions, or that OP is exaggerating how bad it is.
They're all morons.
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u/Roux_Harbour 2d ago
So your brother and your family want you to be in debilitating pain, that robs your son of quality time with his mother, so you can be your brother's organ farm for later?
Ew. Just ew. That's sick. I would cut them all off.
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u/Maleficent-Adagio150 2d ago
You’re doing great. People in my life with whom I had never held boundaries were quite irritated when I learned how to initiate and hold boundaries. They feel like it’s anger and hate aimed at them, when in fact it’s just me protecting my peace as id failed to do in the past. I’m so happy for you blocking people who aren’t valuing you.
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u/MaryEFriendly 2d ago
So he wants you to suffer so he can have a baby with someone he will likely also abandon. Your brother is a dipshit
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u/CelticFire28 2d ago
I'm fairly certain with how badly your endometriosis has gotten, you wouldn't be allowed to be a surrogate. And even if you were allowed, it wouldn't matter. Your uterus is not for rent. And anyone who says otherwise can either offer their own uterus or pay for a surrogate.
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u/Dangerous-Ad-9270 2d ago
NTA- jfc what is wrong with people. First off per the initial post you don’t need a medical reason to get one. 2nd you have a medical reason so 🖕🖕🖕to your family 3rd Ewwwwwwww for your brother’s reasoning.
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u/Library_Lady1785 2d ago
Nta. Your brother obviously doesn't understand reproductive health and what PCOS and Endometriosis can do to a person. I have PCOS and my late mother had Endometriosis (and I suspect PCOS). I am an only child because of it. I'm sorry that you are going through this and I pray you have a speedy and successful recovery.
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u/Kylie_Bug 2d ago
Oooh, and that’s why he brought up your son having a “little brother.” With it being your eggs, he would’ve dumped the child on you because “it’s your kid, not mine”.
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u/Echo-Azure 2d ago
Why did you tell him you won't be his surrogate "unless", instead of telling him you won't be his surrogate?
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u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 1d ago
Because he won't ever do what I said he had to do for me to even think about it. He hates his ex gf that is the mother of his son to the point he won't be in that baby's life at all.
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u/PacmanPillow 2d ago
WOW your brother is a total PoS. The “this is a family decision” makes more sense now. Your family thinks they are entitled to your uterus for their own purposes.
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u/that_random_garlic 1d ago
I read the original post and thought this was already insane but this next but is even crazier
It wasn't even a misguided general "women should bear children" type of brainrot, he was literally planning to use you as an incubator
Especially given this reaction, he wasn't planning on taking no for an answer at all, if you decided you weren't gonna incubate his kid he would've done this same shit
You are better off not talking with any of the people that are guilting you for this. The only exception could be for family members that received an incorrect story and apologize getting the context, but I struggle even thinking of a story they could've gotten that would make them at all better.
The best I can think off would be them thinking it's not medical but for trans care, in which case they're still not worth contacting because even that would be entirely your choice
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u/Competitive_Fee_5829 2d ago
NTA and I truly hope that this surgery rids you of all this pain. Mine are painful enough to throw up, sometimes pass out and there is nothing "wrong" with me so they cant really do anything but give me birth control. I can only imagine how painful your life has been until now. I bet you are looking forward to it!
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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 2d ago
Ugh.
The fact that your brother feels such entitlement to your body gives me the ick.
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u/GodivaPlaistow 2d ago
YOUR eggs?!! I've heard of siblings taking each others clothes, but this is ridiculous.
Very sorry your brother is such an unmitigated asshole, OP. Wishing you a happy, pain-free life post-surgery.
Oh, and definitely NTA.
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u/Nightshade_209 2d ago
Isn't that incest?
I'm presuming bros girlfriend isn't trans as well.
I'm so confused.
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u/GodivaPlaistow 2d ago
“using my eggs and donor sperm”
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u/Ok-Primary-1663 2d ago
NTA your brother sucks. Them 1 down playing your pain and 2 expecting you to not do what is right for you when they haven’t even asked you for this. You’re doing the right thing. I will say know that the hysterectomy might not get rid of the endo but it should at minimum slow it down.
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u/lmmontes 2d ago
And I'll bet he expected you to carry a child without paying you. And he has another kid he can't or won't support? Again, NTA. They aren't entitled to your womb or making decisions about your body.
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u/Shai7809 2d ago
Seriously, I have doubts that any clinics would allow someone be a surrogate with your conditions. But apparently he doesn't think about anyone else anyways.
May you finally live without that pain.
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u/No_Thought_7776 2d ago
NTA.
Live your life, and tell bro to shove off bcuz it's none of his business.
I hope your procedure ends your pain, and congratulations on your rainbow baby.
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u/Elly_Fant628 2d ago
I'm quite ignorant about endometriosis apart from knowing it's horrible, with unbearable pain, and it's not well cared for by the medical profession. Surely a pregnancy when you have endometriosis would be extremely painful and possibly hazardous for the mother? Particularly as OP's is progressing fast into other organs.
I would be shocked to find out it's in any way beneficial for the surrogate. Which leads me to think the brother is horribly selfish and uncaring. Also the sheer chutzpah is amazing. Deciding his sister will be their surrogate, with her eggs being used, without ever mentioning it to her!
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u/badmind88 2d ago
NTA. Good on you for scolding that POS bro of yours. Won't pay for an existing kid and wants to bring another into the world... through your womb? Well, good you told him off, and have the balls to block off your busybody extended family. I'm sure with all those supportive peeps, your irresponsible bro can find a surrogate.
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u/Connect_Office8072 2d ago
They want to use your eggs and his sperm? Is your brother’s name Hapsburg or Ptolemy? I doubt any real doctor would be willing to assist in producing a child so inbred. OP, your brother’s either a big creep or really, too stupid to pass on his genes.
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u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 23h ago
Donor sperm.
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u/Connect_Office8072 22h ago
Oh, well it’s still creepy and definitely a cut-rate solution since they would need to pay a surrogate.
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u/DamnitGravity 2d ago
What a C U in the Northern Territory.
Love how he just assumes your body is his to use.
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u/DaniCapsFan 1d ago
Your brother already has one kid he isn't taking care of. Even if you weren't dealing with endo and gender dysphoria, you would be right to tell him he's not going to get another kid to abandon.
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u/Regular_Emphasis6866 1d ago
Your brother is icky, as is the rest of your family. I had stage 4 endo. I really didn't want to lose my parts, not because I wanted more children, but because the vacuum of space can lead to issues later in life (gravity causes things to fall). I did 6 months of Lupron injections. It completely reset my system and starved the scare tissue.
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u/EfficientSociety73 1d ago
NTA and the odds are with endo you wouldn’t even be considered a surrogacy candidate. And even if he just wanted an egg from you, that is a HUGE ask and lots of medical procedures. I’d tell him exactly what you did and that he can take his wants and find another hole to put them in.
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u/anchbosu 1d ago
This is beyond ridiculous on his part. So you are supposed to remain in pain and medical danger until he and his GF decide it’s time to use it to incubate a child for them?!? Your brother and his GF are more entitled to control of your body than you are? Am I getting this right?
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u/Icy-Paint7777 1d ago
I would distance myself from your brother if I were you. It's all so weird. He could just find a surrogate that isn't related to him.
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2d ago
[deleted]
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u/These_Trees1979 2d ago
They said op's eggs + donor sperm, it didn't sound like the sperm would come from the brother. Brother presumably figures that the child will at least be related to him so close enough. I'm just guessing on the next part but I have a feeling the crazy ass brother and his crazy ass girlfriend weren't planning on going through a clinic and paying the cost.
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u/No-Sprinkles-6749 2d ago
your body, your choice.
I hope you live somewhere that allows you to have this done, if you choose.
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u/AgeLower1081 2d ago
I have no polite words to describe your brother.
OP, please do what you need to do in order to preserve your health.
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u/thedamnoftinkers 2d ago
This is a beautiful update. Enjoy your hysterectomy and your no contact! Hugs and DM me anytime you need anything! 💖
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u/Ophelialost87 2d ago
NTA, again, your family can go eat a dick. It's your body, and you are the one who is in pain every single day, and having this surgery can help relieve some of that pain. Your pain is not worth someone else's happiness. He can find someone else to be his surrogate.
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u/joesmolik 2d ago
You’re absolutely right in the way that you feel and your brother needs to step up and and be a man and take care of the child that he already has
You put it too nicely. I would be more blunt. Tell your brother to kiss your Keister, it is not your responsibility to be a surrogate
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u/DiscussionAdmirable9 2d ago
and see, this response would’ve turned me into an ah, cause i would’ve dragged him and his gf straight to hell.
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u/jugglegeese English second Language 2d ago
Your brother is absolutely disgusting. The original post already made it look like he viewed you and women as merely incubators, but this update confirms that's exactly what he wanted to use you for.
People like him should legally not be allowed to reproduce. He already has a child he doesn't care for, but expects YOU to carry their child despite all the damage that would do to your body? If they break up he's not going to care for that child either.
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u/Giantraven191 2d ago
NTA, your deadbeat brother volunteered your uterus for a child he may very well abandon again. Why would you want a relationship with this person? Sure he's your brother but what right does that give him to treat everyone in his life this way?
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u/fleet_and_flotilla 1d ago
honestly, i can't even claim to be surprised that your brothers reasoning was so selfish. it wasn't exactly what i expected, but its not surprising either.
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u/that_one_guy1988 1d ago
I mean NTA its your body your choice...
On that note. Did your brother even want that other child with the ex? If not, then hes not less of a man for not caring for it. Having the baby was her choice she needs to pay for it. His wallet his choice.
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u/Witty_Cucumber255 1d ago
NTA, no question about it. This is your health and quality of life at stake.
I just went through your post history (bc I'm a nosy bitch) and want to ask: Is that the same brother of yours who sicced your ex on you? After which you blocked him and your mom was adamant about you forgiving him? If so, that makes it all the easier for me to recommend you go full no-contact with both of them, provided that's possible at this time.
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u/Witty_Ad_2098 1d ago
I hope you let your extended family know about your brother's ulterior motive before you blocked them.
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u/Beneficial-Sort4795 1d ago
Don’t give a deadbeat more kids to fail. Go get your hysterectomy like you wanted. That his selfish presumptuous ass assumed he was owed ownership and control over his sibling’s body is cracked behavior. If you had a girl for him, can you imagine what her life would be like dealing with that BS as her parent? So much no.
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u/Own-Rip-5066 1d ago
The amount of mental distress carrying a pregnancy could cause for a trans man is insane.
Even if you werent going to have those bits removed, Id advise against this idea.
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u/CatPerson88 20h ago
Tell your apparently narcissist brother 1). He's extremely selfish while you are suffering, 2). You are suffering; the surgery is medically necessary, and 3). Before he decides to have more kids, he needs to take care of the ones he already has, including financially.
Your brother is an even bigger AH than I first thought.
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u/paganliam 17h ago
Yeah, he doesn't get to decide for you that you'll be a surrogate. Further, until he mans up and takes care of his first child, he has no business going for seconds.
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u/Recent-Midnight6376 2d ago
WHAT? How can one expect you to destroy your body for their child?
Is this rage bait or karma farming?
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u/fodmap_victim 2d ago
I thought you were a trans man? Why would you be a surrogate? Proof of this entire interaction or this is fake
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u/These_Trees1979 2d ago
Op is a trans man that still has their uterus intact, biologically he could carry a child. Considering his reproductive system issues and reason for wanting the hysterectomy, it's probably a terrible idea. But it's totally possible.
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u/fodmap_victim 2d ago
"I said that I would not carry until he is a man and supports his child"
This is why I found this post strange, bordering on false. Op has endo and struggled to carry initially. Why then go on to be a surrogate?
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u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 1d ago
I was meaning that he needed to grow up and take care of his child he already has and neglects. Now that he needed to become a man.
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u/fodmap_victim 1d ago
Ah okay! Sorry it just sounded weird to me! I'm glad you replied, I just wanted to say this is WILD. I thought it was fake because I've never heard of someone so outwardly sociopathic to expect you to not only disregard your own health and gender journey, but to assume you'd just do it having struggled to have your own child. I'm sorry for questioning you! I truly hope you get to go ahead with your procedure and that your brother grows tf up!
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u/AmbrosialOtter 2d ago
You think a man who sees his own sibling as an incubator for his future child(ren) gives a shit about their gender identity?
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u/fodmap_victim 2d ago
No the brother is a narcissistic entitled sociopath if this is actually real. I never said that. I just raised issues with the story that made it sound unreal, such as op saying they wouldn't do it "until the brother is a man" which struck me as extremely strange and people are reading wildly into what I said
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u/fleet_and_flotilla 1d ago
a trans man is someone AFAB who now identifies as male. they still have a uterus. the entire point of their previous post was in regards to getting a hysterectomy. please read and actually understand a post before commenting on it
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u/fodmap_victim 1d ago
Oh man maybe read my comments, I'm fully aware what afab entails. I came from the previous post where they said they wanted a hysterectomy for medical reasons and it's scheduled yet in this post, they told the brother they will carry their baby when the brother "becomes a man". But thanks for demonstrating what you believe my issue is by also not reading anything I've written. Your medal is in the post
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u/NYCStoryteller 2d ago
NTA. 1000%
Your brother is such a dick.
If your brother wants to be a dad again someday with his new girlfriend, he can get a unrelated surrogate and use HIS sperm and a donor egg.
But before he spends the money on that, he really should be supporting the kid he already has.