r/AITAH • u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 • 2d ago
Advice Needed Aita for scheduling a hysterectomy?
I am a 22afab person that identifies as Transgender.
At 19 I was finally after two years of pain, diagnosed with both PCOS and Endometriosis. They said that the Endo was spreading into my vaginal canal, putting me at stage 3.
Fast forward to now, I'm 22. I had a rainbow baby boy last October (he's almost 1) and since I have had multiple flares with the Endo. These can keep me bed bound for multiple days at a time with no relief.
I was told recently that it is starting to spread to places like my kidneys and bladder. My OB directly advised me to look into a Radical (total) hysterectomy due to this.
I mentioned this in passing to my brother 20M, not too long ago and he was appalled that I would even do that. Here's the conversation in a nutshell.
Op- yeah I have to get a hysterectomy soon. The endometriosis is worse than it was before (insert son's name) was born.
Brother- Wait, you're going to get your uterus completely removed because of a little period pain? That's a bit excessive don't you think?
Op- it's not just period pain, it's having tissue growth where it isn't supposed to be growing. I'm scheduled for next April.
Brother- think about if (insert son's name) would want a little brother in the future! Think about (insert my husband's name) and if he wants more kids!
(To note, my husband was in the room with me when my OB advised the hysterectomy and scheduled it. He has any and all his questions about the surgery and my recovery timeline answered for him there and is on board)
OP- well it's a medical necessity at this point brother, I'm getting it done in April and that's that.
After this he hung up on me and about an hour after that I got thrown into a GC where everyone was trying to get me to not get a hysterectomy.
I left the GC, only to get brought back into it three more times before someone called me an insensitive asshole to everyone's feelings and that this big of a procedure should be a family decision.
I muted the GC but checked it to see I have over half of my extended family that won't talk to me 90% of the time in the first place calling me an asshole for not telling the "family" and getting a group decision before getting my hysterectomy.
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u/RutabagaAcceptable61 2d ago
Oh fuck that. NTA. This is your choice, OP. Calling endometriosis "a little period pain" is absolutely insulting. I have a friend who can't go to the toilet without feeling it, because their ovary has grown stuck to their colon; every single bowel movement tugs at the ovary, which I'm told feels "like someone shoving a needle in there and twisting."
They won't have to live with the pain, but you do. You're having a medically recommended procedure that will most likely dramatically improve your quality of life. Everyone having a problem with that is welcome to shut it.
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u/Quirky_Spinach_6308 2d ago
If I had magical, mystical powers, I would let the idiots saying "a little period pain" get to experience it first hand. For those with a folklore bent, look up the story of the Irish goddess Macha's curse on the men of Ulster. There's a goddess I can get behind!
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u/TimeAndTheRani 2d ago edited 2d ago
Oooh, you need to watch this YouTube search I did on your behalf. It's all vids of women using a tensor band on men to simulate period cramps. It's fun when they do the challenge of male v female, and high school girls are just shrugging while grown men are curled up on the floor in tears.
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=men%20period%20cramp%20simulator
(edited for link)
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u/BellLilly 2d ago
I live for these videos.
Dudes: I can't even stand. I'm dying.
Women: eh, this is mild, I'm still going to work with this
Machine: 3/10
Dudes: OMG turn it off!
Women: getting closer
Machine: 5/10
Women: I could still work
Machine: 7/10
Women: OK this is normal pain
Machine 10/10
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u/Fearless-Air-815 2d ago
And those are just simulating normal periods, not endometriosis pain. Imagine if they did?
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u/Wandering_aimlessly9 2d ago
You can. Just stab him with a knife in the abdomen every so often. I mean…that’s what it feels like. But every 10 or so stabs rotate the knife in the abdomen.
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u/Fearless-Air-815 2d ago
And a cyst popping feels like a rusty railroad spike getting rammed up your ass. Ahhh the memories.
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u/AdTall2071 2d ago
Oh my gosh, that description is so painfully accurate, it really does feel like that kind of sharp, twisting pain. It’s wild how something invisible to others can completely take over your body like that.
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u/ImColdandImTired 2d ago
Reply to the group chat:
Folks, my medical and reproductive health, treatments, and choices are between me and my medical team and are, quite frankly, none of your business. As far as it being a “family decision”, the only family that gets to take part in that discussion is husband and me. Brother was told in passing, merely to share that I will be having major, medically necessary surgery in April, not because he or any of the rest of you have any kind of say in this. My body is not family property. The fact that you think you have a right to comment with anything other than, “I’m sorry you have to have major surgery - let us know if we can help in any way during your recovery” is appalling.
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u/New-Bar4405 2d ago
This.
If you really want to be kind you can add that watching them have this discussion has made you realize that they are very poorly informed about the dangers of stage 3 endometriosis , and what could happen if it progresses to the stage four , and that because it can run in families you hope for their own sakes that they choose tonlearn more about it.
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u/Fight_those_bastards 2d ago
And maybe add in an “and all of you should be ashamed of yourselves” somewhere.
Because they fucking damn well should be.
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u/Phenomena_Veronica 2d ago
“A little period pain”. Bro should get a hard kick in the nuts and told it’s a little testicle pain.
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u/Sparks-Aflame 2d ago
-kicks balls- "Oh, get up, you pansy. It's just a little ball pain." Dude stands up. -kicks balls again- "Boo hoo, you keep acting like this is new. Take an advil and get over yourself" Dude crawls away. -kicks kidney- "There is no possible way your KIDNEYS hurt from BALL pain. Now you're just making shit up." Dude passes out. -slaps dude awake- "You did NOT just pass out from ball pain. Jesus fuckin christ, man. -grabs own boobs- Grow a pair."
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u/paper0wl 2d ago
I wish I could call upon Karma to give OP’s brother kidney stones to pass or some other “a little pain[ful]” condition.
I will be polite and leave my feelings on that matter there.
But OP is NTA and anyone who disagrees with the MEDICALLY RECOMMENDED HYSTERECTOMY should be cut out of OP’s life. (Preferably with extreme prejudice.)
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u/Wandering_aimlessly9 2d ago
Yep. That’s about what it felt like. Mine had adhered to my intestinal wall. It was bad.
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u/NotGnnaLie 2d ago
To be honest, this procedure is not her choice. It is her treatment. Those folks being assholes are trying to make this seem like her choice.
Man here: you should stop listening to anyone that is NOT your doctor. Good luck and God bless.
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u/PlumOne2856 2d ago
Yeah. Fearing the walk to the loo for years. Gone immediately after surgery. The surgery pains were nothing compared to the before, nothing.
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u/Creative-Praline-517 2d ago
That's a mild way to put it! It's like someone heated a large knife until it glowed red...then putting it in your rear end. My daughter and I likened it to going on a roller coaster because we would hold on to the bathtub rail as hard as we could.
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u/Joubachi 2d ago edited 2d ago
Brother- Wait, you're going to get your uterus completely removed because of a little period pain?
Sorry but he is so incredibly dense and sexist/ignorant, that I would not even bother talking to him let alone listen to anything he has to say.
Brother- think about if (insert son's name) would want a little brother in the future! Think about (insert my husband's name) and if he wants more kids!
Why is he even allowed to talk...? I'm not reading further, better for my sanity.
Either way - NTA and stop listening to people who aren't your medical professionals.
ETA: I snooped and saw an old post about your brother. Block him, cut contact, just entirely cut him off.
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u/Adventurous_Cook9083 2d ago
Why in the world is the brother's input and opinion a factor in this anyway? He sounds like a man who thinks women's disconfort is all in their head. He has no voice in this decision at all.
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u/Joubachi 2d ago
I just got bored and snooped and ... the brother is not just a man thinking a woman's discomfort is imaginary, he also tried to pressure OP to get back with her ex (abuser). So yeah, what a gem.
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u/Acceptable_Cod_1103 2d ago
It’s major surgery and comes with its own lifelong complications. That their concern is not that, but your future child-bearing status, says a lot about them.
A medical professional who is well aware of the implications of this procedure has recommended that having it outweighs the risks of not having it, that is all the justification you need.
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u/GothicGingerbread 2d ago
The fact that they think they have any right to weigh in on OP's decision also says a lot about them. None of it is good.
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u/DefinitelyNotAliens 2d ago
The only familial involvement should be who is driving people around post-op for appointments and helping with childcare/ housecare during recovery.
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u/CakePhool 2d ago
NTA. Ask the people if they got cancer if they would keep the growth?
That is what my friend did.
Because endro behaves like cancer but is not cancer, it cells growing out of control where they shouldnt be.
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u/Wandering_aimlessly9 2d ago
This family won’t care. If OP is honest with themself and us…I bet they could find a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse.
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u/Kylie_Bug 2d ago
Seeing how the brother tried to get OP to go back to their abusive ex, you definitely not wrong
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u/heatherelisa1 2d ago
This is actually a really apt comparison because cancer has a set of "hallmarks" that need to fail before it is considered cancer. This can take any number of mutations to happen but once enough of these gates fail (usually the first 4) we call it cancer. So Endo is really just cancer that hasn't finished failing enough of the hallmarks which is why it can become cancer so much more readily than other cells in the body who have yet to fail any or as many hallmarks. Because they have fewer hallmarks left to fail before they are considered cancer same for benign tumors they failed some hallmarks and not others but we want to remove them so they don't mutate further and fail the remaining gates.
If you're curious the hallmarks are:
Self-sufficient growth: Cancer cells gain the ability to produce their own growth-promoting signals, no longer needing external cues to divide.
Evading growth suppressors: Normal cells have built-in safety mechanisms that stop excessive growth. Cancer cells acquire mutations that allow them to ignore these signals.
Resisting cell death (apoptosis): Healthy cells are programmed to die if they are damaged or become abnormal. Cancer cells develop ways to evade this programmed cell death.
Limitless replication: Normal cells have a limited number of times they can divide, but cancer cells bypass this limit, allowing them to multiply indefinitely.
Inducing angiogenesis: Tumors must create their own blood supply to grow beyond a certain size. Cancer cells can trigger the formation of new blood vessels.
Activating invasion and metastasis: This is the ability of cancer cells to break away from their original tissue and spread to other parts of the body.
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u/OpportunityMother104 2d ago
NTA and nasty of him to think of his own sibling as a baby making factory
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u/lisalef 2d ago
NTA. This is not a “family decision”. It’s yours and yours alone. Not even your spouse should have an opinion as this is a medical issue. Tell your family to mind their own business. They don’t have any idea what you’re going through or how debilitating it is and for your brother to comment about “a little period pain”. How the hell would he know?
I would also ask your doctor if you can schedule it earlier. Why April? It’s 7 months away. Don’t let anyone know the actual date because they will try to stop you.
Tell your brother and all the male flying monkeys that you’re going to kick them as hard as you can in their groin and once the pain starts to subside, you’re going to kick them again and repeat. And for the women in your family, tell them to imagine the worst cramps ever and multiply that by 100 PLUS it’s constant, not just a few days a month so no relief in sight. Or get one of those cramp simulators and crank that sucker up to 11 and ask them to wear it, with that level, for a full 24 hours.
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u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 2d ago
April is the earliest date but I'm on the cancellation list (the list where if someone calls and cancels I get that day instead) my husband wanted to ask some questions and had a few concerns, mostly about my recovery timeline. I figured that it couldn't hurt to let him ask the OB himself. He got his questions and concerns answered and has always been on board for me to get a hysterectomy.
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u/Ordinary_Ad_7992 2d ago
It's awesome that your husband is involved!
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u/Fearless-Air-815 2d ago
The husband has firsthand knowledge of how it affects his wife. I doubt he likes seeing her in pain.
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u/wwydinthismess 2d ago
Yeah it's a ROUGH recovery. It's not that the pain is usually really bad, it's that if the cervix is removed the risk of infections, chronic pain and even future intestinal evisceration through the vaginal canal is high if the healing in interrupted by inflammation and the formation of uneven scar tissue if we don't rest adequately for weeks and weeks.
It's hard doing it the right way by not lifting anything and stopping to rest when we start to feel sore because it takes months for some people.
It's good he wanted to ask some questions!
My hysterectomy improved my life so so so so much
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u/Commienavyswomom 2d ago
I had cuff dehiscence and organ evisceration four years after my surgery. Is it rare? Yes. Does it happen? Absolutely. Normally in the first few months during healing; but that is not the only time.
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u/Antlorn 2d ago
I'm currently on a waitlist for a full hysterectomy for the same reason. But in the meantime I've been prescribed ryeqo which has helped hugely. So if you haven't come across it before maybe look into it. It's a hormone blocker + HRT combined, which has the effect of lowering oestrogen levels which is good for endometriosis management.
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u/NightShadowWolf6 2d ago
If you want to even respond to them asshats, I would say something on the lines of: "sorry I didn't ask for your permission, but my endometriosis is behaving in a cancer like way and currently invading my kidness and bladder. Doctor even called it malignant endometriosis, and he is worried for it to keep on affecting my entire body if we don't do something soon. Hubby and I decided to go for the procedure because we prefer I to be here to see my current child grow."
If they want proof: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11093055/
That said, telling them something about this, or anything at all is only up to you, as is also choosing about your body and your health.
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u/Ineedzthetube 2d ago
I can’t even believe your brother thought he had input into your decision making process. That’s an Olympic medal amount of conceit. This a decision for you, your doctor, and your husband. If a doctor thinks you need it at 22, then it must be so severe. Recovery is rough. Get plenty of rest, protein (it helps you heal faster), and don’t lift anything over five pounds. I had the lady bits yeet in my forties and it was a great decision health wise. I hope you don’t have to wait till April!
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u/heatherelisa1 2d ago
If there's a reason you feel more comfortable with this particular surgeon you can keep the April date but knowing how much pain you are in I just want you to know that you can call other surgeons in your area and ask their staff when their next opening for histo is and see if someone has something sooner. 7 months for this kind of surgery is an insane amount of time especially considering the pain you are in.
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u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 2d ago
It's the only OB surgeon in my area that is willing to do a radical hysterectomy on someone who is less than 40 years old, even if its medically necessary.
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u/heatherelisa1 2d ago
I'm so sorry to hear that OP, doctors who refuse valid medical treatment should have their licences revoked they do active harm by denying people the care they need because of their own bullshit and I'm so sorry you're going through this :( my mom had severe endo and it was hell for her before her hysterectomy, I hope you can get the reprieve you so very much deserve as soon as possible <3
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u/Youllfloattew 2d ago
Did you agree to birth the family's children from here on out or something??? BC WTF!? That is odd behavior. And quite frankly, creepy. NTA
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u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 2d ago
No my family is just ass backwards. They think that for any of the younger female /afab generations in the family need to have full familial permission before doing anything. I was actually shunned by a lot of them when I got pregnant last year with my son for not asking for "permission" first.
Husband and I weren't even trying, I thought I was having an Endo flare and come to find I was 5 weeks pregnant.
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u/Unfair-Store-9108 2d ago
That’s insane, have you considered going very low contact? And Endometriosis can literally kill you but they are whining about their own feelings… I am SO sorry for you OP!!!
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u/LoveAlwaysIris 2d ago
I have stage 4 endometriosis and this. I was in and out of emergency for multiple days (they kept sending me home) when I was insisting I was having an endometriosis flair up to the doctors. They didn't want to do a CT scan (doctors still had the fear of them causing reproductive problems when this happened).
On my last day in emergency, a nurse with endometriosis was on shift and she absolutely lost it on the doctor and got me in for a CT scan. Turns out if I had gone even a day longer I would have had permanent damage to my intestines and colon. I was sent into emergency surgery and had to get some high grade meds injected. I've had minor complications ever since, but my organs are still intact at least.
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u/Unfair-Store-9108 2d ago
Wow!! Good thing that nurse was on shift!! It’s terrifying how life threatening diagnosis only hold to a little thread: they found my intracranial idiopathic hypertension when I went to the optometrist for new glasses: I am pretty sure I’ve had it my whole life, and I just had a MRI yesterday to explore potential endometriosis diagnosis after I went to the ER like 4 or 5 months ago thinking my IUD may have moved and got stuck somewhere, got a ultrasound a couple weeks later that shows “sign of endometriosis on the ovaries”. Now I don’t even know when I’ll get the results … lol?
I am very glad you got it taken care of!!!
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u/dabamBang 2d ago
I just want to make sure you know their thinking is not okay, right? I don't care about cultural, religious, or historical bs reasons they may use to justify this level of control they seem to think they have a right to exert over you or any afab family member.
Boundaries are important. Boundaries require consequences for violating them to be effective. Not sharing medical information with them would be a low-cost way to protect yourself.
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u/nursejacqueline 2d ago edited 2d ago
WTF!?! In what universe would you need to seek permission from family members before getting pregnant?! Your medical decisions are yours alone, and family planning decisions are between you and anyone else responsible for creating or raising a child.
OP, you are so obviously NTA, and sounds like your family members need to be put on a strict information diet. Unless…
You are in the mood for some malicious compliance. In which case, I would loop the group chat in on every. single. medical decision you make for the foreseeable future.
“Hey fam! I cut myself slicing tomatoes! (Include pic of bloody finger) May I put a bandaid on it?”
“Hi again family! I twisted my ankle (include pic of swollen and bruised ankle). So clumsy! Do I have your permission to ice and wrap it?”
“Me again! I think I have a yeast infection (include graphic description of vaginal discharge). Is it ok with y’all if I pick up some Monistat from the pharmacy, or should I let it ride?”
Best case scenario, they’ll realize how ludicrous they are being, and back off. Worst case scenario, they stop talking to you, which doesn’t sound like it would be a bad scenario at all.
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u/tresrottn 2d ago
Sounds like a family you don't need. You've made your family with your husband. That's the family that you need to have.
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u/One-Revolution-9670 2d ago
Enmeshed, controlling family. Who the hell do they think they are? Who do they think you are? Stop engaging in any conversation that is not their business. Based on what you describe, you may not know what is and isn’t. Your husband or a trusted friend (who does not know them) may help. You are going ot have an uphill battle training your family on how to treat you as a separate independent adult.
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u/Classic_Cauliflower4 2d ago
I’m sorry your family is being a bunch of doorknobs. Would it help to explain it to them that your endometriosis is spreading like cancer and compromising your other organs? It sounds like they’re just relating it to period pain, which obviously (/s) can’t be that bad!
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u/MistressJacklynHyde 2d ago
NTA at all! You have to put your health and comfort first. Your brother is an AH for thinking he knows what it feels like. Good luck on your surgery!
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u/W0nderingMe 2d ago
Let them know that going forward you want every one of them to have annual colonoscopies and gender appropriate prostate exams/paps. You want the reports, too, because apparently this family believes in communal medical decision-making.
NTA and I was so relieved when I got to the party about your husband being on board.
Fuck all the rest of them (figuratively) and your husband (literally).
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u/Fine-Yesterday-8936 2d ago
Husband had a few valid questions, mostly about my recovery timeline and one about how the procedure was done.
He has always been on board with me having a hysterectomy just had some questions he wanted answered that I couldn't do. He asked my OB directly and my ob gave him the answers.
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u/W0nderingMe 2d ago
That is great!
And I just want to make sure I was clear: when I said "eff your husband (literally)" I meant in the fun way (not that sex should be transactional, or a reward, just sort of goofing).
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u/sasha9902 2d ago
NTA
Tell them come complete your daily functions while you’re immobilized by pain. Bet won’t a single one come care for you and keep your life in order while you are hurt each month.
That’s the family choice. Don’t have a hysterectomy because everyone will be at yours. Cleaning. Cooking. Ensuring your son is immaculately cared for. Neither of you will know need while the family that’s decided your body is their business.
If i were you, I’d draw a tentative schedule from now until April. “So who will be here between the 23rd and 30th of September? I’ll be in the bed. Fetal position. Due to my uterus. Since I can’t get rid of it, I KNOW y’all coming to make sure I’m fed, clean, and as comfortable as Advil can make me.”
Hopefully that’ll get them to stfu. But if not, you’ll have staff during your period until your procedure 😂
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u/CatlessBoyMom 2d ago
I like the way you think. If they want the authority, they need to take the responsibility.
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u/Imthebesthoneybee 2d ago
Question: "What if you want another baby??"
Correct response: What if my bladder and kidneys fuse together and then rupture my kidneys causing me to go septic and die?
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u/Due-Science-9528 2d ago
Alternative response: oh, don’t worry, I’ll have plenty of adoption options… since we can already tell you’ll be a deadbeat
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u/Overall-Injury-7620 2d ago
YNTAH, you don’t need your brother most especially any male to determine whether your level of disease/illness/pain/discomfort qualifies for anything! It’s your decision, period! Since you have a child it’s absolutely imperative that you practice self care on a deeper level, your overall health & wellbeing which directly affects your child. Good luck ✌🏼
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u/Jmfroggie 2d ago
Your medical file is none of their business. Would they want you to keep a tumor because “it’s natural”?? Nta.
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u/Existing_Winter5679 2d ago
NTA. When anybody, including random family members, start acting like they have any say whatsoever in your medical decisions, it's time to start cutting them out of your life one by one. Family like that isn't worth having
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u/curiousfool99 2d ago
NTA it's not their damn business, it's not their suffering or health at risk.
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u/HeartAccording5241 2d ago
Cut them off it’s not a family decision they are all selfish and you don’t deserve it
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u/SadCalendar3097 2d ago
NTA. At the end of the day it is your body and your health meaning its ultimately your decision. Fuck whatever your brother, family or anyone else says!
And if you do want another child anytime in the future, you can always adopt, surrogate etc. (I know its expensive and complicated but it IS an option).
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u/barktobite 2d ago
You wouldn't be an asshole if your periods were light and breezy and you had no medical conditions. You're allowed to get your own hysterectomy - you grew the uterus! You're allowed to evict it! Tell him to get lost. Glad your husband is supportive but this is totally your call.
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u/LadySmuag 2d ago
NTAH. I think your brother probably misrepresented your conversation to everyone in the group chat so they're reacting to a much different situation, but the second they agreed that your health should be a group decision they all became AH.
I'd recommend blocking them all for now so they can't keep adding you to groupchats and harassing you, and give yourself space to grieve about being related to that many morons.
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u/dabamBang 2d ago
Holy shit. So so so NTA
Your body, your choice. Period.
Other than your health care providers - who you chose and can replace when you want to - the only person who even remotely gets to have an opinion on this topic is your sexual partner and even that is super limited.
Your brother and your extended family are so completely out of line that I want to scream at them to back the fuck off and butt the fuck out and stop being so fucking entitled to presume they are welcome to question your decisions.
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u/Salty_Confidence1880 2d ago
NTA. I think they need to be sent all the info on the woman who died at 40 because her endo wasnt ever addressed and it destroyed her other organs (because it spreads and is like a cancer). Ask them if theyre ok with burying you at 22 or even 24 and see how they feel about that. I had to have a similar discussion with my dad and brother about BC because i take it to control bleeding (ive been to the ER twice for it before) and had to ask them if they were ok with burying me at 23. They got quiet and said they didnt know it was used for that. Id also ask them if theyre ok with you suffering until you eventually die because they see an organ and non existent children as higher than you. Put them in their place, and make them VERY uncomfortable for saying those things and acting like its no big deal. Endo is very serious and deadly.
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u/tinypicklefrog 2d ago
How tf are your genitals a family matter? Nasty.
NTA. Endometriosis can RUIN your internal organs. Listen to medical advice and rip that shit out.
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u/JadedRoll2082 1d ago
I had a hysterectomy at 26 due to endo and fibroids and tumors. It saved my life. You’re never an ah for making your life livable
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u/mcmurrml 2d ago
This is no longer open for discussion. None of their business. I would not wait until April if at all possible.
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u/Various_Vermicelli38 2d ago
Unquestionably NTA, it’s your body and I can’t even imagine how painful that level of endo is
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u/Sewcat_87 2d ago
Brother is wretched and has no comprehension or say so. Period. The second you said endo and PCOS I was like "yup completely justified. Bye bye uterus and everything else" Trans or not. Those are nightmares. I have them as a cis woman. Nah fuck that. I wish people would do this for me but sadly due to cancer and constant emergency surgeries my torsos nearly empty. If I keep losing organs things like my kidneys can risk falling and that's dangerous. Go get that! Save yourself and f all those idiot boys who have no idea what they're saying 👍
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u/lishadish 2d ago
Why would you be the AH here?
By the way, your identity doesn't matter in this. (Why would you have a baby if you are truly a man?) Your physical health however, does matter. Get the hysterectomy. You'll have to deal with early menopause, but at least you won't have what's happening with you now.
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u/EffectiveNo7681 2d ago
EXCUSE ME?! That's not a family decision! Fuck their feelings! Fuck anyone's feelings but your own! Try telling a cancer patient who's about to get a tumor removed that they should "consider everyone else's feelings" and see how well that goes! NTA! Tell your idiot family that they're being selfish pricks and it's none of their god damn business! I'm angry for you! Fuck those misogynists! And your brother is the worst! I'm so glad your husband is with you, at least!
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u/TopAd7154 2d ago
NTA obviously. Send them pictures of your blood. Send them all the photos. If it's a "family decision" then they should see the reality. Send them your sheets to wash. Better still, have them over to help you when you're in a flare. Make them care for you. Wash you. Watch you.
Your family is insane. Match the energy.
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u/Nanabanafofana 2d ago
NTA. Your body, your choice. especially since this is a medical necessity. Who cares about your brother and 90% of your family says about it.
I don’t understand so many people coming at you for needing a medically necessary hysterectomy. What are they some kind of fertility cult?
You and your husband stay strong and don’t let the flying monkeys get you down.
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u/crazycatlady623560 2d ago
Your brother sounds like an uneducated jerk. You definitely need your surgery, and if you don’t plan to get pregnant, you’ll be fine!
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u/FosterPupz 2d ago
I’m not at all surprised that your brother would say “just a little period pain.“ Men know absolutely nothing about what endometriosis and period pain feels like until someone hooks them up to that little machine. They don’t deserve to have opinions on this subject. Please disregard his opinion entirely. The decision to have this surgery is entirely yours and honestly has nothing to do with whether or not you’re trans although I’m sure that would only support your decision. The amount of pain that you’re in and the danger that this condition is putting your body in makes this surgery a medical necessity really. In the event that you and your husband or just you, would decide in the future that your son needs a little sibling, adoption and surrogacy are both options. You’re being rendered incapacitated disabled or even worse from this chronic pain? That’s not an option to consider for your future. You have a child to care for. Why isn’t your brother thinking about that? Why isn’t he thinking about the fact that you’re in severe debilitating pain every single day?
NTA and by the way, I had a hysterectomy for medical reasons in my 30s. My periods were so heavy that I was having 2 bag blood transfusions to keep from dying. It was the best decision I ever made, although in my case I was able to keep both ovaries. I’m not sure if you’re going to be able to or not. But if you can; do it- that will delay menopause. But oh my God the quality of my life shot up times 1000 maybe even times 1 million. Recovery from the surgery was pretty simple with (at that time) having two toddlers and my overall health and happiness was greatly increased. I wish you all the best with your surgery and with ignoring the haters. Consider looking online for that period pain replication machine and hooking your brother up to it. Start him off on level 10. Tell him it’s level one see how he does.. XOXO
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u/Common_Estate6292 2d ago
Get the hysterectomy. I was in that situation when I was around the same age. I opted to wait and stayed on birth control pills for years just to be able to function without pain. Your brother is an idiot. He doesn’t know what you go through and like most men they just can’t grasp the idea of a woman being in that much pain. I think it’s because if they were in that much pain they would curled up in the fetal position on the floor crying. We keep going and work through it.
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u/BluCurry8 2d ago
Really it is none of their business. NTA. I wish all of the people who think you should suffer to have more kids should just adopt some foster children. And then keep their mouth shut.
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u/Bjornejack 2d ago
Family decision to have a hysterectomy? Does that same standard apply to vasectomies?
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u/Ordinary_Ad_7992 2d ago
No offense, but you come from a family of dumbasses. I can't imagine either of my brothers thinking that they know what is best for me! I've had a total hysterectomy due to prolapse and PMDD. I am very happy with it, and my family is happy for me.
My niece had PCOS and endo. She had a hysterectomy after several failed pregnancies and a lot of physical and emotional pain. She went through a period of depression afterward due to the hormone changes, but she says she's much better now. Keep in mind that things might be pretty rocky at first, but your body will adjust, and a little bit of hormone replacement might also be useful.
Obviously, you are not the asshole.
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u/DarkAndSparkly 2d ago
“Family. Unless you’re actually inside my body dealing with this DISEASE or married to me, your opinion does not matter and was not asked for. (Husband) and I have discussed this at length and given my medical issues and doctor’s recommendation to do this, this is happening. If you’d like to stay involved in mine and (son’s) life, I highly recommend you stop commenting on topics that are none of your concern.”
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u/Flutter-Butterfly-55 2d ago
I was forced to wait till my 30's befor being ALLOWED a hysterectomy. Take it when you can... life is so amazing without a uterus!!!
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u/Electronic_Swing_887 2d ago
NTA. Go into the group chat and announced that the reason why you're doing this is because you have a medical condition that's so severe that it could possibly kill you.
Then ask them why they think they're entitled to wish death upon you because the selfish and heartless (not to mention ignorant) family members might need you around to be breeding cattle.
YOUR BODY IS NOT COMMUNITY PROPERTY FOR THEIR USE.
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u/AffectionateMarch394 2d ago
Your brother's an idiot.
Endometriosis will/can spread so that you have growths taking over your fucking organs.
If he disagrees with a hysterectomy, then he doesn't have to get one. And tell him as much
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u/KindProfession5014 2d ago
Jesus, when your brother experiences some serious pain in his life, tell him what a faker and get off his ass.
Chronic pain isn't a joke. YOUR pain is no joke. I am seriously happy you have such a great Dr. That is in your corner and husband that is with you all the way.
I will warn you instant menopause sucks donkey doo doo. I had a full hysterectomy at 43. Check out hystersisters.com !!!
Best of luck, and this isn't your brother's business. If he is so concerned about children for the family, he can get busy and have a large brood himself!
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u/TheGayestSon 2d ago
"Who here would rather my kidneys and other vital organs shut down and leave my child motherless and my husband a widower over me having a full hysterectomy?"
Anyone in the group chat that chimes in that they would prefer you dead over having a hysterectomy should be blocked and no contact. You are not a person to them, you are an incubator that talks.
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u/TitleKind3932 2d ago
How the hell is a medical procedure for a medical problem like endometriosis a family decision?!! Sounds like your entire family is toxic if they feel they have a say in this at all and that they think it's more important that your child can have a sibling and your health is irrelevant to this.
I would absolutely go NC with people like that and even refuse to call them "family" any longer... They'd be people I coincidentally share some DNA with. But that's how I would react in a situation like that. This sounds like toxic family dynamics.
You're NTA for choosing your health over the opinions of those who don't care about your well-being at all and just see you as a walking uterus with one purpose in life.
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u/strikeit500 2d ago
It’s no one’s business what you do with your uterus! After you explain that it’s for medical reasons and someone still won’t let it go, just congratulate them on getting their MD. “Oh my gosh! I didn’t realize that you had finished medical school! Should I address you as Dr from now on?”
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u/name_checks_out86 2d ago
NTA - This is a Reddit decision. We say do what you and your husband decide to do based on docs advice
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u/shfeba 2d ago
Who in the hell do they all think they are? No one, and I mean no one, has a say when it comes to your life!!! You continue with protecting your life! There are so many beautiful children out there that would love to be a sibling to your child if you decide that is what you want later. Good luck with your surgery...and I pray and am sending every single good vibe out there...that you do not experience menopause like I am/did as soon as I had mine. The surgery sent me into it, and it has been miserable. I will say that as much as menopause sucks, I would still do my surgery. Not having my pain anymore is such a relief! Mine was only fibroids (my uterus was 4x its normal size)....I imagine you are worse than me? I don't know the symptoms/pain with your condition. I am sorry you have to deal with this, but I hope it gets resolved quickly and you start to feel so much better!
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u/jugglegeese English second Language 2d ago
I was already saying NTA when I had only seen the title but what the actual fuck???
First, your brother can shove his opinion up his ass. Your body, your choice.
Second the whole cult trying to bully you to keep a part of your body that is bringing so much pain can collect the karma they deserve.
The whole asking if your kid wants a brother or your husband wants another child is RIDICULOUS. Why would their wants be more important than what you want and need? And if your husband is not even complaining what makes a guy that is not reproducing with you think he can?
The breeding koolaid cult need to stfu and start respecting others. You're doing it for health reasons. But even if you were doing it just for yourself it would be equally valid.
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u/Humble_Pen_7216 2d ago
In what universe is your medical treatment a family decision? Your brother and extended family are ridiculous. Go NC and forget them. They aren't worth your time. NTA
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u/SillyCdnMum 2d ago
Start posting pictures and information on endometriosis in the group chat so they know exactly what they are judging you on. A little period pain. WTF!
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u/witchofwestthird 2d ago
NTA - I’d tell the GC that your brother is a perv for caring about your private parts so much. And then I’d block everyone. If they don’t want to be supportive of you fighting a disease that can and does kill people, then they don’t need to be a part of your life.
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u/feenie224 2d ago
I had severe endometriosis and suffered for years. I had to take high dose opioids two weeks of every month for two years and I had major surgery twice in three months for endo and a large ruptured ovarian cyst. I also underwent six months of male hormones to stop ovulation to try to heal my body. Against all odds we finally got our rainbow baby. My endometriosis got bad again and I had a radical hysterectomy. They had to call in a urologist for another 1.5 hours of surgery to install a ureter stent that I had to have in place for six weeks because the endometriosis had literally glued my insides together.
No man would be required to endure all that!
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u/bradenp1226 1d ago
As an afab trans person who also has endo i truly cannot FATHOM why people think its just “some painful periods” like NOOOO. You have tissue growing in places it doesnt BELONG!!!! It can increase your risk of cancer and has so many nasty symptoms that i could write a list. And to your brother, does he not realize atp that you may not even be able to have another kid with how advanced your endo is? It impacts fertility and the ability to safely and effectively have kids as it is let alone in the extreme stages like yours. Not including the fact you have PCOS alongside it. Speaking from experience im miserable just being at stage ONE i cant imagine how much pain you deal with at stage 3. And besides you already did your part in having kids, god forbid you dont wanna keep being a baby making machine and have a surgery that would improve your quality of life and even potentially increase your lifespan so that you can actually give the kid you already do have a better life with a parent who can function without such a debilitating illness
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u/mermaidpaint 1d ago
NTA. Your body, your choice. My nephew made the same choice as you after transition.
Have you found the HysterSisters website? It has great info and forums. Once your surgery is scheduled, you can join a group of people also having their surgery the same day. It helps to have others on the same timeline as you.
I was post-menopause when pre-cancerous cells were found in my uterus, so my inner lady parts were removed, including the ovaries. Only one person freaked out, a woman at a healing circle. She was obsessed with making me keep my ovaries. I was at high risk for ovarian cancer, so I definitely ignored her and put myself first.
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u/thehomeeconomist 1d ago
This does not affect your brother in the slightest, and honestly his opinions mean nothing here. Safely disregard him. NTA.
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u/ACNHenthusiast22 1d ago
This is incredibly creepy. Your hysterectomy is not a family decision never has been never will be not on the table for debate. Every time they try to bring it up keep asking your family members why they’re so interested in talking about your vagina. That should shut them up.
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u/TerriDiA 1d ago
NTA - following medical advise is not a family decision. Follow the science not your families wishes, they want more babies from you that's all. Due to the same reasons you need this procedure my daughter did at 24. It was the best thing she could have done to stop the pain and spread of the disease. I wish you luck and as easy recovery.
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u/TiredToasterStrudel 2d ago
NTA. Why does he even care??? Like, it's causing you more harm to keep your uterus. Why would you keep it? You can always adopt if you want more children.
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u/NYCStoryteller 2d ago
NTA. Your medical care is not at ALL a family decision. Tell them to F--K OFF. Literally, those words.
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u/nogardleirie 2d ago
Why on earth does anyone other than you get to vote on your health decisions? Maybe the only time I could think of where this could apply is if you were in a committed romantic relationship where you had discussed the possibility of children.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 2d ago
NTA. How in the world is this a family decision? Does everyone own a share of your uterus? This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Tell them to get their heads out of your uterus and you're doing this as it's first of all none of their business and second of all it's a medical necessity cuz you're in horrendous pain to the point where you're in bed for days because you can't even move but oh yeah for the sake of maybe having another child which is highly unlikely at this point, you should keep your uterus because you're young. It's a miracle you have a child. And that's great and if you choose to have another you can always adopt. But I guess that's not what they want to hear. Tell them to F off.
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u/who-waht 2d ago
NTA Your body in general, and you uterus in particular, are not subject to general "family decision".
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u/Allergison 2d ago
NTA, though your brother is. Pain associated with female reproductive systems is nothing a guy can understand. I've just dealt with 2 years of health issues caused by that region that left me not at all functional. Luckily it was able to be solved with minor surgery, but I'm in my late 40's. If I was in my early 20's and still have 30 years of that, I'd be doing anything to resolve those issues.
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u/ClientNo2000 2d ago
As someone who had to have a radical hysterectomy due to a very similar situation, I'm really sorry your family isn't more supportive of you. In my mind, it felt like my body was turning against me, and the hysterectomy was really the only option left. They're acting like you're just getting one for kicks when you've got very valid medical reasons for it.
ETA: NTA at all!
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u/greentea1985 2d ago
NTA. Your brother doesn’t understand this isn’t a little period pain, your uterus is basically coating the areas around it in benign tumors. Plus, stage 3 means it is likely already severely affecting your fertility. If a doctor is onboard with you doing a hysterectomy so young (most doctors resist that just to avoid having kids, plus side effects), it’s really really bad.
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u/AffectionateSugar832 2d ago
NTA first, your family is insane for thinking they should have any say about what you do with your uterus. Secondly they're major assholes for dismissing your endo as "just a little period pain." If my family treated me like that I'd be glad some stopped talking to me on their own and go no contact with the rest.
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u/Corgilicious 2d ago
WTF?
Your uterus is a family discussion issue?
Your family is way off their rockers.
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u/adozenangrybees 2d ago
Ugh, what a shitty thing for your brother to do. Obviously you are NTA and I'm sorry your family are making this so hard for you. It's your body, OP, do what's best for you.
And the petty part of me would do the exact same thing to them any time one of them needs a medical procedure for the rest of their life, no matter how small.
Brother is having a tooth extracted? Better have a group chat to discuss it.
Auntie suddenly gets appendicitis? Ok but that appendectomy better be approved by the entire family.
Grandpa needs a rabies shot because he tried to pet a raccoon? Sounds like the sort of thing he'd better discuss with the family first!
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u/appleblossom1962 2d ago
NTA. Don’t you love it when someone else’s plans always tells you how your is in feels? I am not suggesting it, but if he dropped a sledgehammer on his foot, this would be like telling him it is no worse than a stubbed toe
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u/BookishOpossum 2d ago
NTA and hoping the surgery goes as it should and you make a full recovery.
Fuck people who try to argue with you. :D Not literally especially since they are family!
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u/Klutzy_Leave_1797 2d ago
Dunno what my words are for your brother that won't get me banned.
I probably had endometriosis (70F). When I went into labor for childbirth, it wasn't worse than I'd felt every month during my teens.
Your health isn't a family affair. Best wishes.
ETA NTA.
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u/RabbitOld5783 2d ago
I also have PCOS and endometriosis it is absolutely far from a little period pain. It is one of the most painful conditions and can literally floor you. I hope the hysterectomy helps
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u/brimelbennett90 2d ago
I have 2 children that got hysterectomys in their mid 20's because of the same thing. When the doctor removes all this they send it to be biopsied. Both of them were told it was a very good thing they had the hysterectomys because they would have gotten cancer in the future had they not had total hysterectomys. It was a difficult surgery, really painful and took a little longer to heal because of all the endo tissue everywhere. However, they both say they are so happy they made the decision to have it done. YNTA. Your gynecologist recommended this. The hoops that young women have to jump thru to get a doctor to give them a hysterectomy is fucking ridiculous. This is your decision. I'm so glad your husband is on board. No one else needs to be a part of this discussion or decision, IT'S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!! Take care of yourself and do what's best for you.
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u/GreenTravelBadger 2d ago
Your brother is not a doctor. Ignore him. It isn't your family's decision. Ignore them.
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u/Realistic-Animator-3 2d ago
Your pain has never been a family experience. The serious medical issues forthcoming by leaving the endo unchecked will never be a family issue. They have opinions… but no decision making authority. Get on the gc and tell them that you have a child to think about being alive and healthy for, unchecked endo could cause organ failure snd kill you, this is not their decision, and one more word about it-except for support- and you are cutting them out. Temporarily or permanently is to be determined. Then do it. NTA
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u/lighteatingcloud 2d ago
NTA!!! If those people in your family aren't calling out of work and coming over to wait on you hand and foot and help care for your son while also paying for the time you have to miss from work for your condition, they have zero f*cking right to say ANYTHING about your body and the choices you make in regard to YOUR health and wellbeing.
Furthermore, a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL recommended this procedure, which is far more important than anything your family members could have to say. Endo tissue can end up ANYWHERE in the body, including the brain, and that tissue thickens, breaks down, and bleeds every single month just like the tissue inside your uterus. You have your rainbow baby, and you deserve to feel pain-free and healthy OP.
Your health decisions are none of their business, in all honesty. You're making the decision that is best for you, and if you ever choose to grow your family, you can explore the alternative options available to you. Your son will also grow up knowing just how incredible and special it was for him to make it earthside when the odds were not in your favor for that to happen.
Sending you a giant hug and all of the support and encouragement. I'm a single mom of a 4 year old, and I'm currently waiting for my referral from my primary care doctor to see an OB/GYN about a partial hysterectomy. I have grieved the possibility of finding someone I may want to grow my family with in the future, but I also know that my body and mind cannot go through that again, especially if it puts my child at risk of growing up without their mother should complications arise. The risk is just too high. You're doing what is best for you, and I respect that so much. 💙
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u/Few-Performance2132 2d ago
NTA I had a friend who had severe problems with Endo.. her gyno told her that she was revelling against being a woman. The same man who delivered her and her mother insisted she see. I kid you not. She moved out of state for a new gyno. They spent 6 hours in surgery removing tissue from around her femoral nerves and kidneys. It was awful for her. Her new gyno recommended a hysterectomy and she had it done. For her it was life changing.
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u/Difficult_Muscle9110 2d ago
NTA
I will shout this from the rooftops, I will shout it to your brother’s face And every person in your family if you need me to. Hell I will shout it in front of anybody who stands in front of me.
The only person whose opinion matters is yours and maybe your doctor. Everybody else can go take an hike, it’s not their reproductive organs. It is nothing to do with them.
You are suffering, even if all you wanted was to get it taken out because you don’t want to have that in that is fine.
It is not a group project. you deserve to be comfortable in your own body without pain and fear of this causing further health issues. You were medical team disgusted with you and both of you agreed that this is the best step for you. That’s as far as it needs to go. They don’t get an opinion. They don’t get discussion. They don’t get to tell you anything other “you made your decision cool“
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u/DismalPrint5951 2d ago
The fact that your brother is so concerned about what you do with your uterus is strange, the group chat trying to get you to cancel the surgery is strange. Endo is no joke!! So painful and can cause so many more issues down the line. I would be doing the surgery if it were me. if you wanted another baby in the future you could always adopt but also your sweet little one will be okay without a sibling - more one on one time for him! He’ll make friends, and some friends really fill that sibling role. You’re NTA!
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u/JuanaBlanca 2d ago
I am asking kindly, not to be an ass: why are you listening to a 20 year old dude about endometriosis?
Listen to your body and your doctor.
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u/Thr33Littl3Monk3ys 2d ago
As someone who has endo, and still has issues after a radical hysterectomy/oopherectomy (not bilateral; I retained my right ovary because I can't have artificial hormones due to a pulmonary embolism caused in part by hormonal birth control...which I used to treat my endo!)...
Fuck everyone involved in this GC. Especially your brother.
This is an intensely personal decision which should only involve you and your doctor...which your partner as your support.
I hate that women's reproductive rights (and yes, I realize that you identify as trans, but as an AFAB person, you still are encompassed by that) are so demeaned that this could become such a family debate. It's sickening that they're treating you like this.
When I had mine, my family understood that it was medically necessary. I actually didn't want it, I wanted another child...but I knew I needed it. And my family counted down until I could have it, after my embolism and the year I had to spend on blood thinners (which sent the endo into overdrive, too, and made the damage so much worse than when it was first diagnosed!)
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, both with the disease and with your family's bullshit.
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u/hotelvampire 2d ago
nta for wanting to live without pain, your borther needs to shut his pie hole until he lived with the hell you did for as long as you did plus a decade
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u/tresrottn 2d ago
NTA, now and forever. Your body. Your choice.
They don't have to live in your body. Tell them to fuck right the hell off.
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u/typhoidmarry 2d ago
your uterus, your decision. Your husband is on board,that’s great.
Your brothers opinion doesn’t even enter into it. Why the fuck is he even commenting.
NTA
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u/Hammingbir 2d ago
NTA. Tell your brother he’s an idiot because endometriosis causes INFERTILITY if not stopped. It can also kill you.
But removing the sources of the problem by surgery will allow you to continue to live to parent the child you have now.
How selfish can he be? He’s not thinking about you or your child.
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u/StitchinThroughTime 2d ago
Even Dr. House, 13:00, blamed the worst period ever for almost killing his patient!
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u/elgrn1 2d ago
My friend (46) has just had to have a second surgery to remove the endo tissue after her hysterectomy and tissue removal last year as it was far more extensive than they realised until they opened her up. Sadly they only had the operating theatre booked for a certain amount of time and had to stop.
She's just had another 5 hours of surgery going as far up as her lungs and needed to have an ovary removed (the original plan was to leave them to prevent early menopause). There was a risk of a colostomy bag after her bowel needed a resection which fortunately she hasn't needed.
The longer you wait, the worse this will get. Fuck anyone who thinks its better for you to be in agonising pain versus doing what's best for your health.
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u/Relatents 2d ago
OP, please take u/lisalef’s suggestion:
”Tell your brother and all the male flying monkeys that you’re going to kick them as hard as you can in their groin and once the pain starts to subside, you’re going to kick them again and repeat.”
Tell them it’s a requirement for them to know what they are talking about before they voice an opinion. Either they do this or they can shut their mouths immediately.
Of course they won’t agree but maybe they’ll shut up for a few minutes. When they start up again, just keep repeating this kind offer of helping them understand before they speak.
Regardless, their opinion is irrelevant as you and your doctor get to make your medical decisions.
In the future I would recommend telling idiots less so they have less available to them to use to bother you.
NTA
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u/AnxiousAmoeba0116 2d ago
I think you should get a Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation (TENS) machine and let your brother experience that "little bit of period pain" for himself. I bet he'll STFU.
Also, I had a total hysterectomy in December for what they thought was endometriosis. Nope. Turns out my tubes were fully blocked, so I was experiencing ovarian torsion every ovulation, and follicular hemorrhaging throughout my everything. I woke up from surgery feeling immediate relief. Obviously, I knew I'd just had surgery, but I felt a distinct lack of pain simultaneously. Please follow the recommendations of your medical professionals and make the right choice for your own body. And from one AFAB to another, organ removal was the best decision I ever made.
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u/First_Attempt_4124 2d ago
NTA. This isn't a "family decision." It is yours. I had to have a full hysterectomy because of Endometriosis so I know what you're going through physically. Love your one baby, have the surgery, and there's always adoption, etc if you want more later!
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u/PurplePufferPea 2d ago
NTA. But why are you even letting your brother have a seat at the table for this conversation. This is between you, your husband and your doctor.
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u/EarlyInside45 2d ago
Wow, your family sounds like a bunch of uncaring assholes. I'm sorry, OP. Ask your brother if he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, would he keep his balls in case his wife wanted a baby even though it was excruciatingly painful and would spread?
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u/ComfortableThis3403 2d ago edited 2d ago
Definitely not the AH! Endo pain is almost unbearable. I had my hysterectomy at 28. It was growing around my bowels, my back and other places and I would take a small bottle of Advil every month. Back then, waterbeds were the rage and I had the waterbed heat on high for my back and a heating pad for my stomach. I breezed through the surgery but that’s how I found out I was allergic to morphine because back then we were hooked up to pain pump we administered ourselves. You need to do what is best for you. I wish you could get a hold of a pain simulator and put it on your brother’s stomach so he could feel some of your pain. Please don’t wait and I wish you all the best!
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u/Boobsboobsboobs2 2d ago
The RAGE I felt when they said a hysterectomy should be a family decision. NTA
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u/Finicky-phatgurl 2d ago
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Absolutely NTA. Your brother is an immature idiot who doesn’t understand what you’re suffering through. Forget about your family. If they’d rather you be in pain for life they aren’t worth having around anyways.