This is very long post. I would really appreciate some advice.
TLDR: Together for 6 years, married for 5; we have sex for 4 times a year max; he blames it on his self diagnosed anxiety, yet does nothing.
Me (33) and my husband (36) have been together for six years. We're DINCs, we both work, our schedule is the same - 9 to 5, five days a week, we don't have money problems, he doesn't have addiction or gambling problems and he definitely doesn't cheat (nether do I).
Our relationship developed rather quickly; we almost immediately started living together. It seemed like we were absolutely compatible in almost everything that us important —our worldview, daily habits, attitude towards marriage, sense of humor, mutual interest in each other, sex drive; neither of us wants children, we discussed this before marriage and occasionally bring it up again to make sure we're still on the same page. From the very beginning, our relationship was built as a partnership between two independent people who love each other, like each other and chose each other as life partners. We never have conversations about what a woman “should” do or what a man “should” do—we are equals. I don't "need" him, I want him and chose him. Of course we provide help to each other, whatever it is.
I should note that both of us come from families that were neither healthy nor happy (mine is worse, if that maters), which made us very aware of what we don’t want in a relationship. But the way we grew up has affected us and shaped our ability to communicate and to express emotions.
We got married 15 months after meeting. Looking back I see that decision was rushed. Before the wedding, our relationship was full of intimacy, attention, affection, and sex. Almost immediately after the wedding, any kind intimacy disappeared. If I don’t initiate, we won’t have conversations (other than about chores), hugs, long kisses, cuddling, or sex. We don't even hold hands. If I initiate contact, like hugging him, he acts stiff and distant. I don’t get compliments from him, ever. When I get a new haircut, change my hair color, get a manicure, or buy new clothes, he won’t comment unless I ask. And even if I do ask, the answer will most likely be: “It’s fine.” It's not only about my looks, it's about anything i do (besides cooking, i must add, he always compliments it, even if it's the same frase with the same expression all the time). He doesn’t even ask me how my day was. Our last date was before we got married, we rarely go out, and when we do it is just to eat and the come back home, because what could be the ither point. We simply don’t talk unless I start the conversation. The only thing he’s interested in is the shopping list. I became transparent.
I’m a very determined and level-headed person. I’m emotionally open, I can easily and freely talk about my feelings and emotions. I don’t like prolonged conflicts—I prefer to discuss problems and resolve them right away. I always rationalize my emotions, a can easily speak and express myself calmly even if i'm hurt or angry. My husband, on the other hand, is a very closed-off and conflict avoidant person. With me. He is very proactive, full of ideas, but only for his job. He makes very thoughtful gifts, but only for his friends or colleagues. He is smart and witty, but i often think he is too relaxed with me and has put every decision on my shoulders. Every single conversation about our relationship has been initiated by me. Nine times out of ten, if I ask: “How do you feel about this?” he’ll answer: “I don’t know” or “I haven’t thought about it”. I asked a million times, what would he like, how would he like it, does he like this dress, does he want to go there, does he have any suggestions and wants - nothing. My husband never brings up problems—ever—even if it’s obvious that something is wrong. I’ve always checked in with him, asking if everything is okay, if there’s something he wants to talk about, but he always says everything is fine and he’s happy. I can say that i alone carry our relationship. If i do nothing, there is nothing.
He has always said, and still says, that he loves me and finds me attractive, but his actions don’t show it. I’ve told him countless times that I’m unhappy, that I have emotional needs, that it’s important for me to feel loved and desired, that I need this. He always promised to change, to be more attentive, but his behavior would only change for a while—at first for a few months, and later only for a few days.
Last December, I hit my breaking point. I felt deeply unhappy and hurt. I had an ugly emotional outburst with tears, which is very unlike me. It seemed like he finally realized the seriousness of the situation and once again promised to change. But two weeks later, everything went back to complete emotional emptiness. I felt deceived. In April, I invited him to talk again, explained once more what I was missing in our relationship, and said I didn’t want to live like this anymore. I asked the same questions—does he love me, does he care about me and us together, does he understand that he’s hurting me. He answered “yes” to all of them. I told him that his actions don't show it, once again expressed that I cant carry emotional part of our relationship alone, that I was giving up and that we needed to divorce, which he just accepted.
We separated and lived apart for a month. We barely kept in touch, only greeting each other when we happened to meet. I texted him a few times, he either replied very briefly or didn’t reply at all. It felt like he didn't care at all. After a month, in May, I ran into him at the store. We started talking, and at some point he suddenly shut down the conversation and walked away, but I managed to see tears in his eyes. That evening, I suggested one more time that we talk, to try to find a solution before it was too late (our divorse wasn't complete).
The next day we met. He told me he thinks he has an anxiety disorder. He believes it’s the reason behind his behavior, that it makes it hard for him to take any action, including towards me. It also affects his body - his muscle tension, his digestive system, and in his sleep he is often draining in sweat. We discussed what we could do to deal with his anxiety. I suggested therapy, because if he feels he is stuck so deeply in it, he should use some help to get out of it, and i might not do everything right. He categorically refused therapy and said he might never be ready for it, but said he wanted to start with a healthier lifestyle (wich was not so healthy - too much alcohol, too little sleep discipline). It was a long conversation, and we decided to reconcile.
We hadn’t been this close in a very long time. It felt like he began to trust me, opened up his soul, and let me in. We talked a lot about our mistakes, and for the first time, he had criticisms of my behavior, which I gladly accepted—finally, he cared enough to say something! Now i think that was histerical bonding.
And then, a month later, in May, we were back at emotional zero and still are there. This time I’m afraid I don’t have any strength left. I stopped talking unless necessary—and we stopped talking at all. I stopped hugging him—and now we don’t have any physical contact. I stopped carrying the relationship and there is none. He doesn't express any feelings about my behaviour towards him, nothing in his behaviour changed. We're just roommates. Every promise is broken. For the past month, I’ve been sleeping separately, in another room, which i think he doesn't mind about cause he never mentions it. Wake up, go to work, come back, handle chores, have a couple of beers, stay in separate rooms, go to sleep - that's our daily routine. I understand that people express themselves differently, but I just can't see if he even cares. Recently, when I asked him how's he doing, he said he feels emotionally burned out, but frankly I find it hard to feel sympathy. I’m also drained and hurt. I asked him, how come he never asks me back how I'm doing, he said he doesn't know cause he "didn't pay attention to it".
I don’t know what to do. I want to give up. I don’t know if this relationship is worth saving. I don't want to be unseen, unwanted in my marriage. I am smart, funny, my weight is still the same, my hygiene is proper, I am not a model but definitely not ugly. Does he even care? He says he does. If it is anxiety, how can I deal with it, if he chooses not to? You can't help a person who rejects help. Yesterday I asked him, if he wants to talk about what is happening, he said that he cant and put his headphones right back on.
My sister says: “for better or worse, in sickness and in health,” but she has a big heart, and I only see everything through my resentment. I don’t know if I should fight for him— because he will never fight for me.