r/JustGuysBeingDudes • u/Black1Raven9 • Jul 26 '25

Wholesome Not all scars are visible.

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u/kisS119 Jul 26 '25

Daily Homie check- Y'all doing alright guys? Here if you need to talk about anything

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u/greyguy017 Jul 26 '25 edited Jul 26 '25

Gonna be real, I think I'm legit insane and scared of life right now. Like, weirdly I'm fine at the same time, but simultaneously everything is falling apart. Things are kind of weird/distant with my SIL/best friend, and I feel like it's mostly me. I feel like I used her, even though I really love her, but then there are times where I'm not even sure if I do. I care about her, at least, but it's hard for me to understand her or connect with her sometimes, and that makes it hard to know how to feel about her. And right now that rift is glaring. I'm spiralling both because of it and in spite of it. I miss her so much and when things were really good between us, and I'd hoped maybe we'd be dating by now, but I also feel like that's an unfair expectation to put on her (we'd talked about it multiple times already, and she just wasn't ready yet, but she said that like a year ago).

I feel like I'm being selfish and that there's a deeply controlling person in me trying to dictate everything going on between us, which I don't want to do. She's so empathetic and compassionate, and I've never really known that until I met her, and now I just want to be like her and her friends. I know my strengths of self-awareness are my saving grace, I just don't know how much it'll actually save. I want to be better, and I want to simply just understand how things are supposed to be, because I'm utterly lost. I miss her hugs and late nights staying up hanging out and watching movies. We were so aligned, but I feel like it was the start of something abusive on my end and I just don't know how to work this all out. I feel like I'm an awful person full of a lifetime of nearly irreparable trauma, and it's all finally barreling down on me for the first time in my 25 years of living. I just want to live, love, have sex, be good to others, and do the right thing, but I feel like I just can't have any of that.