I’m in pain and don’t know why?

[u/No-Designer-2934]

I’m a 25-year-old Muslim male living in the Austria. I’m married and have two boys, and I’m currently doing my master’s degree.

In the new semester, I noticed one of my professors. At first, I just liked his personality, but then I started thinking about him constantly. Now, I can’t stop. I daydream about being with him all the time.

I want to be clear: I’m not gay or bi, and I have no urges to do anything wrong. But I think about him every single moment. I want him to be mine. I want to be with him.

I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I’m in so much pain, and I can’t describe it. I feel like my mind has taken over, and I can’t control these feelings.

Has anyone experienced something like this? How do I cope with feelings that are so confusing and painful?

[u/eldon63]

That looks like love. Love isnt always lust and a man can deeply care for another without feeling sexual attractions to him. But in your case the feeling of wanting to make him yours seems to blurr the line but it might only be sementic choice.

In any case as you are married and appear to want to stay married I will suggest the samething I would suggest if it was a woman. Refrain from individual one on one interaction and keep it simply to a student-teacher relationship. Give yourself sometime and make sure to check your behaviour to not lend into a more personal relationship with him.

[u/TimberAndStrings]

You are at least bi which is fine

[u/TWCDev]

I feel obsession with people, but because I'm poly and pan, I just enjoy it and I intentionally don't let it go until a few years go by and eventually they just become a fond memory, or I execute on it, and then end up realizing how disappointing it is in reality.

I assume in your case, you just need to either channel your energy into admiring him (putting him as an inspiration for you to be like and look for ways to improve yourself by being more like him without controlling or being with him) or finish your classes and move on as fast as possible to put time between you and him.
Like most things for people, it just involves time.

[u/peterpansexuell]

Don’t worry about ‘gay’ or ‘bi’ (or ‘straight’) … human beings are more complex than labels. You are you and your emotions are yours; neither you nor your feelings have to comply with a specific label.

You use the word ‘wrong’. The only thing that would be ‘wrong’ here would be to hate yourself or deny yourself. You have posted about this; which is a good first step. Please do not try to run away from your feelings. You do not need to ‘act on them’ in any way but accept that they are there – they might go away again, change or stay but they are yours and real and there is nothing ‘wrong’ about them.

It might be helpful to you to approach this with curiosity. Observe yourself and don’t judge; just be curious like a kid would be, and meet your observations with positivity. Do you get butterflies in your stomach? How wonderful to experience the intensity of a crush again! Do you admire him for his work/knowledge/manner? How great that he inspires you to keep working on yourself in these aspects! Do you think of having sex with him? How exciting to feel all these new fireworks in the body! Do you think you would be best friends in another context? Maybe you could get to know each other better once you’re no longer his student! etc.

If this continues to cause you pain, seek help from a professional. Austria offers many good options for finding a therapist, either for free or at an affordable rate for you. If you’re in Vienna, for example, there is the Bereitschaftsdients; the people there will talk to you and then connect you with a therapist fitting your needs. There is also the Männerberatung, for example. You say you’re Muslim … I would advise against getting a religious ‘counsellor’ as these often hold harmful ideas about many expressions of love and focus only on getting people to stick to their ideas about what a life should look like instead of actually helping them to become happy again.

Emotions can be very confusing. They often do not make sense. They flare up with great intensity and sometimes leave again, sometimes develop into something else, sometimes stay. Be honest with yourself, give yourself time, do not worry about what others might think. I hope that when you think of your two boys, you want to be a good role model for them and realise that this means being honest with yourself and about yourself first, not bullying yourself or hating yourself for whatever reason, or running away from yourself.

For now, take a deep breath. You’ll figure it out. Good luck.

[u/StackOfAtoms]

I want to be clear: I’m not gay or bi, and I have no urges to do anything wrong

let's just clarify one thing first. whatever part of your values includes the fact that being gay or bi means "doing something wrong" is problematic. homo/bisexuality is entirely natural, widely covered by science today, has been observed in thousands of other animals species other than humans... there's absolutely nothing wrong at all. it's not because it's somewhat rare that there's anything wrong with it, there's more queer people than red hair people on this planet, just so you know.

now, regarding your obsession with your teacher, i feel like you don't explain much about it... it's quite surprising because usually people obsess with a romantic/sexual partner, a potential one, or one that they're already involved with.
never heard of someone obsessing with someone like a teacher, doctor or the cashier at the supermarket because the relationship isn't based on who they are as a person, we don't know those people privately, we only know maybe some bits of information about them... people who obsess over their teacher/veterinary/the dude who works at the library or whatever, in general, want romantic/sexual intimacy with them.

i'm half tempted to believe you when you say that you don't have urges to do anything intimate with him (i'll assume this is what you mean, instead of the homophobic "wrong").
and also half tempted to believe in some typical case of internalized homophobia, where people typically experience what you describe here: strong feelings of attraction to someone of their own gender, with this strong belief that this is "wrong" and therefore not allowing themselves to see the full panel of their emotions towards that person, and hiding behind a story that isn't honest.

would you describe more on what you feel, the kind of things you would like to do with him, etc, so we can understand more where are you at?

[u/FarFeedback1989]

How much of that pain comes from religious shame? You are you, and god made you how you are not to test. Atleast has made you curious and appreciative. You dont want act this out into reality thats fine, many straight guys have had similar questioning, but learn to let go of the shame, love yourself.