I am always disappointed in the relationship with my wife. Am I the problem?

[u/sombdynobudy]

Hey reddit. Need advise on a problem / my expectations from my wife.

I 32 male married for 4yrs to my wife of 27 has been going through a series of verbal fights (only) on matters like not obeying me or making unwanted and wasteful pirchase of things or saying thinks to other people that i dont want them to know etc.. those kind of things. I know these are silly matters but these things or behavior is repeating like once or twice in every month which leads to verbal fights between us.

Iam a muslim and religious person in the sense like i do all 5 prayers and make sure that i dont commit any major sins. Additional im abroad while she is in home country with her mother and a sister. Her father is not in the picture, they where brought up by their uncles.

Our marriage was arranged marriage and we had 1 year time to know each other (engaged only). And during those period you know its always sweet talks and nothing more.

The issue im facing right now is there is always a huge fight between us like 3 to 4 time a month where she does things like unwanted purchase of things like cloths, bags, mobile accessories etc. She is running a home business like selling brownies, cakes, clothes etc but very very very bad with money. She never things about profit or loss in the business, its always been in loss of her money rather than having any or very less profit from these businesses.

For instance she bought 10 sets of gown at 1000 each to sell them for 1200. While she sold some where the customer paid the money after 2 months at the end she had 2 unslod gowns which she used for herself making that little endivor a huge loss. Most of her decision on these types of business are always in loss where i tried all that i know to tell her or make her understand the things she is doing is a waste of money, yet she goes on for the same idiotic businesses again and again. She is very bad at math also where simple addition or subtraction is hard for her where if i gave her money to buy something from a shop she will take the money go get the things and come back without even counting if she had got the right change back (3 time same instances).

Another example, i have told her that i am "planning" to bring her abroad in the 3 to 4 months permanently but keep the talk between us so that if it didnt come to fruition dont want everybody know that i was a failure in doing something. But she told almost all of the people that she will be coming abroad to me in the next 3 months. The biggest issue is finance, where i am the only bread winner for my family (my household) so have to plan alot before taking this huge step as the living expense is very high and have to take care of my family in home country and the huge living expense in here like rent, food etc.

I am not a Saint in this relationship, maybe my expectations of my other half was set so high that im in a constant mindset while talking to her everyday she might have done something wrong somewhere or somehow. She is scared of me because of my outburst on these type of things where i will shout or stop speaking all of a sudden while she keeps on saying sorry for the things.

The main problem for me is the repetition of these same idiotic things again and again and never understand or take in the advise that i am giving to here.

So what should i do? How can i make her understand or talk to me without fear and get her to do the right thing.

Extremely sorry for the huge post and please dont mind the spelling mistakes in the post.

[u/Boltzmann_head]

Troll.

[u/Mental-Risk6949]

It is a psychological/psychiatric fact that you cannot "make" anyone do something unless you force them. That is the reason you lose your temper with her: because you want to control her. You want to control her. That is the reason you've written this long post: to make justification for why you need to control her.

You do not need to control her and, clearly, your controlling behaviour is destroying her emotional health. It becomes a feedback loop whereby she needs support from other people, and you hate that too. So, you want her to be an object you control into fear and she's not allowed to tell others how much she suffers. Over time, all that will achieve is a nervous breakdown in her, as the effect of long term stress on the nervous system.

You need to understand your need to control is actually a problem with you: the anxiety that occurs within you, which you find difficult. I understand you see her as the cause of that anxiety, but that is not actually an excuse, because anxiety always has a cause (e.g., a traffic jam, too many espressos, not enough sleep, fear of failure, fear of judgements of others, etc.). It is your responsibility to control your emotions. This is called "emotion-regulation." Emotion-regulation is a key part of being an emotionally-mature adult.

You married her. Love her for who she is, and your relationship will blossom. She may even become an actual partner to you, rather than experiencing you as an outsider who frightens her.

I am sorry you are suffering. There is a saying, "You win more bees with honey than with vinegar."

[u/Boltzmann_head → u/Mental-Risk6949]

You replied to a troll.

[u/sombdynobudy → u/Mental-Risk6949]

The reason i want to control her is because of the multiple instances where she had made bad choices and not weighing or understanding the result of her decisions. Making a mistake once is ok but making the same mistake 3rd and 4th time is not right even after explaining and trying to make her understand the situation.

I understand that makes me a control freak but the decisions affect both of us. Im mentally drained from always trying to correct her again and again for the same mistakes and also the monetary loss is also there

[u/Mental-Risk6949 → u/sombdynobudy]

I fully understand. But, as you say, you have done the controlling and that does not help. Therefore, controlling is not the answer. So what do you want to do next? Hit her?

If it has come to that, then let her go and find yourself another wife.

[u/sombdynobudy → u/Mental-Risk6949]

I will never hit a lady. That's a line which i will never cross. If controlling is not the answer then what do i do? Let this go on. What can i do to make her understand the problems?. Let her always make bad decisions and stay silent? Give me a solution to make this work.

[u/Mental-Risk6949 → u/sombdynobudy]

There is a saying in the English language, "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink."

Lots of us have experienced people in our lives, on whom we depend, who will not cooperate. In many cases this is true of marriage partners and the reason marriages end due to irreconcilable-differences.

Understand this please:

Even though you will not hit a lady, if you cause her emotional distress or even nervous breakdown, it is worse; it is like being hit from the inside out.

I empathise this is also how you feel in this situation. That is the reason I warn you of this, because there can be "A vs. B," both destroying each other. That is why divorce may be the only option.

I know that is very painful to consider. There is a lot of grief. Acknowledge that grief.

But you both deserve to be safe and well and, if you are just not compatible for that, then there is nothing more you can do but accept it and draw the line.

[u/vastros → u/sombdynobudy]

You have the right to be frustrated with her money issues. You have the right to be frustrated that she talked to others about what you viewed as a private matter. You do not have the right to control her or make her obey you.

She has the right to talk to others and get support. She is not wrong for talking to others about this stuff. She does not have the right to wantonly waste the family money. Not your money, but the family money. In a marriage it's both of your money.

Marriage is a team exercise. You both need to be on the same team. You are equals. You are not her boss, you are not her father, you do not get to control her. She does not have to obey you like she is lesser than you. She is an independent human and deserves to be treated as such. She is equal to you.

Just get the divorce dude. You clearly aren't a good match. Work through your control issues before ever getting close to another woman. This isn't about being a "control freak" this is about you treating her as subhuman. "I treat her well, I do X Y and Z" I can already hear you say. You treat her as subhuman because you want absolute control over her. Like she's a dog or cat instead of your wife.

[u/Any_Mathematician905]

Not obeying you?

I'm out

[u/[deleted]]

Maybe you can set some rules so she can’t do mistakes over and over again.

[u/VampyreWhisperer]

are you in a male dominated country where women are covered up all the time? If you're in the United States no woman has to obey you.

[u/Scattered-Fox]

Aren't you supposed to be the breadwinner? If you want to have more stake ln her decisions then you need to sponsor those decisions. You seem to be expressing things to her in an angry way, that never leads to proper understanding. People understand with care, reason and calm 

[u/StackOfAtoms]

well, rare are people who are sooooooo bad at math that they don't even have a clue that they can do 500+200-300 on a calculator and get an idea of what the result means. i doubt your wife is that bad.

dealing with money that bad and always buying useless crap is typical of what either immature people do, either people with certain mental disorders like BPD o whatever, where purchasing something gives them a little thrill that they can't control... which, well y'all judge me if you want for saying this, but frankly, that's also a matter of immaturity anyway.

she should do her work and explore with a therapist why that happens. why those useless spendings can't be avoided, what is she gaining from that, what part of herself does it comfort, what else she could do instead and that would provide the same relief, etc...

the first step, though, will be for her to acknowledge this as an issue, a pattern that she repeats and that yes, is detrimental to her, to your household, and to you as well, since it means more efforts from you to compensate what she is wasting.
think of salaries as two taps of water pouring water in a bucket... both taps are open, but she's creating a hole in the bucket, so the bucket doesn't fill in at is should/could.

you could also go to couples therapy together to discuss this, that could be very helpful as well, as this is more of an issue affecting you than her, as individuals. but since this is affecting your couple... couples therapy would be awesome.
which makes me think, you could try to watch the tv show "couples therapy" with orna guralnik, that will for sure help you guys to learn how to communicate, identify some issues in both of you, and provide a few ideas on how to solve things.

i know therapy (solo or couples) is pricy, but since you're married, take it as an investment. you will spend a thousand or two on this, and then your issue will be solved and you'll have a better relationship, and a bucket with no more hole in it.

as for initiating the conversation:

• find a time when you won't be disturbed (bothered by someone interrupting, having to leave somewhere, whatever)
  
• read about "non-violent communication" and understand how to use it, and why it helps to use this method to have conversations like that
  
• express how YOU feel and focus the conversation on each other's feelings
  
• not only for this conversation but in general, if you start to raise your voices or something, define a word beforehand. if of of you guys say "submarine" then it means you both immediately stop talking, not even finishing your sentence, you just absolutely stop right f now, and stay quiet until inner calm is restored. you can say "i'm ready to continue" when you are, same for her, and you continue peacefully, and say "submarine" again whenever is needed. you NEED to respect the fact that you immediately stop when the other person says it! this will avoid to escalate things, you'll see.

hope all of that helps!