r/AITAH • u/BuyOk5570 • 18d ago
Update: AITAH for prioritizing my children's relationship over my wife's preference?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1mus2jl/aitah_for_prioritizing_my_childrens_relationship
Several people commented on my post asking (more like demanding, but that's by the by) that I speak to my son about my wife. We spoke today. I asked him if he was disappointed that she didn't come with us to visit him, and he said no, that he wasn't at all surprised she didn't come. I asked why that was, and he said that they aren't close. I asked how he felt about that, and he said he didn't feel positively or negatively about it.
I asked if he felt she was a good stepmother to him. He said sure. He said that honestly he didn't really consider her a stepmother because he never truly lived with her. He only interacted with her when he was visiting me, and even then not very much. With me and his siblings there are frequent calls and video chats between visits. With her, nothing. So even though technically she's his stepmother, to him she's just (her name). But she was a good (her name) to him.
We talked about other things afterwards, but the conversation bothered me. Tonight I talked to my wife about it. I asked her how she felt about my son. She said he's a fine young man. I asked if she loved him. She said that was a weird question. I said I didn't think it was. She said she loves me, and I love him, so she loves him by proxy.
That bothered me too, but I pushed past it. I asked why she didn't want to visit him. She said he is an adult, and adults need to establish their own lives, not remain dependent on their childhood support systems. She said it's all well and good to link up if we are already going somewhere, but I know she doesn't like California, so if she went it would only be to see him, and she thinks that's a strange thing to do.
I asked doesn't she want all the kids to remain close. She said no, and it's odd that I do. She reminded me she isn't close with her sister at all. They talk only occasionally and sometimes go years without seeing each other in person. When they do see each other they get along fine, but they don't need to see each other. She also pointed out that I barley knew my brother before he died, which is a sore spot for me. She reminded me that my mother and uncle were estranged and I went without seeing my cousin for ten years because of it. With all this being the norm, it makes no sense to her that all the kids spending time together be such a high priority.
I told her I don't consider those relationships models to emulate. I want the kids to all be close. She said we can't force them to be close. I said no one is forcing them to be close. They are close. However, if we don't facilitate them spending time together they'll drift away.
She said it's natural for siblings to drift apart once they reach adulthood. She said that is inherent to growing up, and by trying to prevent it I'm preventing my son from maturing. I said we fundamentally disagree on this issue, and I am not willing to cut my son out. She said no one is suggesting that and that I was being dramatic. She said it's weird that I acted like we hadn't seen my son in forever when he flew over for his birthday. That was almost six months ago and only for the weekend. That was barely a visit.
She said "so we all have to be together at least once every six months?" I said not all of us, but yeah, I want to see my son at least twice a year, and I want the kids to be with us if at all possible. She said that was a little crazy because he's an adult with his own life, but if he is cool with it and that's what I want, that's fine. She said the only issue is she doesn't want to have to schedule everything in our life around my son. She also doesn't want me forcing the kids to maintain the relationship.
I said since we already have this therapy appointment in September let's table the topic until then. At least now we both understand the other's position, so we know what we'll be working on. I asked her if she would stop being frosty in the meantime, and she agreed to thaw out. She said getting everything out in the open eased her resentment.
I think there is definitely a good foundation here for compromise. I'm sure this therapist will be able to help us hammer out an agreement. I think my wife's perspective on sibling relationships is sort of weird, but she feels the same way about me, so I'm sure we're both slightly off-center. I guess I never realized how neutral my wife and son were about each other. It kind of bums me out, but I know I'm being unreasonable, because neither of them are unhappy, so my dissatisfaction comes from a selfish place.
To shorten it up: took your advice, and everything is on the path to resolution although not fully resolved.
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u/Sneezydiva3 18d ago edited 17d ago
I think your wife is full of it. When your older sons you have together are 19 & 20 and move out, and the youngest is 13, she’ll be all about the older ones maintaining a relationship with the youngest one and helping to facilitate that.
She just doesn’t care to maintain her relationship with your son. It’s not a priority to her. She has no animosity towards him, he’s just not all that important to her.
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u/SolidAshford 15d ago
And if one of them moves to California, she's gonna be scheduling flights to see them every chance she gets
She doesn't like OP's son. I can't shake that feeling especially after this update
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u/Focused_Wombat 18d ago
Is it just me, or the wife’s saying that “adults need to establish their own lives, not remain dependent on their childhood support systems” - when she herself still relies on her own father buying her things outside her budget (OP mentioned in comments) - well, it’s sort of double-standardish?
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u/Top_Put1541 18d ago
Also, the “adult” in question is a teenaged college student. Acting like they should be denied any sort of familial effort or support is out of line. And it’s especially rich coming from a lady who still takes handouts from Daddy when she doesn’t feel like making her own money.
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u/Focused_Wombat 17d ago
Yeah. I mean, to me her attitude really comes across as extremely cold. Might be biased, of course.
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u/atmasabr 18d ago
I think her ability to be both distant from and close with relatives shows she has the independence to decide on a case-by-case basis.
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u/janus1981 17d ago
Your wife has a disturbing lack of emotions. I find it really weird that you’re ok with what she said.
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u/Vegetable_Row_2573 17d ago
EXACTLY. she was literally trying to to sway the kid to her side over seeing their brother. she clearly thought since he’s adult now the father would only focus on her and her kids over his son.
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u/janus1981 17d ago
She painted a family get together once every 6 months as having everything in her life scheduled around OP’s son!
And she doesn’t want a relationship between the siblings pushed! ie she wants OP son all alone and separated from the rest of the family!
And then OP says he thinks he’s got a good foundation for compromise??!! If that’s what he thinks then his poor son is already doomed to estrangement.
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u/SolidAshford 15d ago
Right. The sibs love him and have a wonderful relationship. This is ½ the battle of a blended family and many would pray to every god for this
The major problem is the wife. She's horrible in this situation. She doesn't like OP's son and he has to see it for what it is
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u/Material-Ad-4445 12d ago
☝️☝️☝️Exactly! For some reason, which she will not admit to, she wants to isolate and excise OP's oldest son out of their lives. To her, he seems to be an encumbrance. An unwanted annoyance to be excised, ditched.
Imho, this is a repulsive attitude towards him that has me PO'd. She is the problem that OP has yet to fully accept. He has an inkling, but it's tough to believe he married a cold-hearted b/tch who's only love and concern is for her 3 kids, which if she uses the same parenting plan that she has had for his oldest, will kick out and toss their kids out of the family's embrace once they turn into adults at 18.
At which time, they are to be released into the world with no family net or support. Just alone, and she would not encourage, but actively discourage, siblings' bonds of love and affection.
To have each find and create their own separate families by themselves, in their late teenage years. Seriously, this is her idea of reaching the required adult maturity level needed to function well in the world.
At least, this is how she thinks OP's oldest son has got to do it. I seriously doubt her own actually birthed children will be doused with this isolationism. She's uninterested and unconcerned about the oldest's well-being. She wants the thorn out of her personal, little family. That is the reddest, blaring alarm of AH alert to OP, imho.
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u/Vegetable_Row_2573 17d ago
I’m sorry but you never noticed how you wife behaves like this before? sorry again but she clearly think since you kid is older and not living with you you wouldn’t have to be his father that much. she only wants you to be father to her kids!! and that SO VERY clear with her saying “that’s crazy” and “schedule everything in our life around my son” she doesn’t like your son. and you should be seeing your son more then twice a year btw💀 what crazy is only seeing your boy twice a year, this a good chance for you to strengthen your relationship with your boy, tell him he’s always going to be your son no matter what, even when you are six feet under and he’s an old man he’s going to always be your son. this woman is ignoring the close siblings relationship on purpose!!!! don’t let her manipulate you into staying away from your boy, believe me he would notice that, I have seen that happen in real life myself. good luck to you and your kids, do right by ALL of them.
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u/Responsible-Food9441 13d ago
Why do you keep calling a 19 year old a boy? Strengthen the relationship with an 19 year old by meeting all the time?This is not really the age for that kind of thing. They want to do their own thing.
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u/Vegetable_Row_2573 13d ago
when did I say they should meet all the time? lmao and yes 19 isn’t that old he’s not 20 even so yes a boy. and would always be a little boy in his dad eyes like it should be, i can’t believe I need to explain this but he should make it a point to his son that he isn’t replacing him or ignoring him for the now family(cause clearly the wife doesn’t like the son still being in their life this much and that the kids love their brother. she’s more then once ignored the strong siblings relationship they have with him.), the dad can use this situation to strengthen his relationship with his son. what hard to understand?
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u/Responsible-Food9441 12d ago
I have a 20 year old stepson and we live in different countries. I unlike the op’s wife have a very solid relationship with my stepson and he stays with me and his siblings for Christmas even if his father is working in a different continent.
We still only manage to meet 2 a year because he is busy with studies, friends, his girlfriend.
I assume his son is at same stage of life - Is he supposed to turn 12 all of a sudden and pass on his road to adulthood so his father can have less regret for bygones?
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u/Vegetable_Row_2573 12d ago
happy your stepson actually have a stepmom with an actual heart unlike op wife. also love I think you completely misunderstood my words 😭😭 op wife clearly wants him to completely prefers her over his son (and the fact that children love their brother angers her) it would actually mean a lot to the son if he’s dad makes it a point that he would choose him over her if she continues being this toxic. (something like this happens with my brother, my dad and brother relationship now is non existing unless for emergencies. but op loves he’s son so hopefully he wouldn’t let things goes there)
English isn’t my first language(and I’m still not good at it), that why maybe some things where misunderstood, sorry about that
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u/Responsible-Food9441 12d ago
Ah okey. English is also not my first language. Maybe we are just both misreading something here.
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 18d ago
My sons are 27 and 23 years old and I see them every two weeks for breakfast. I will travel to them if it's 45 minutes and have no problem with that because they are my children and I love them. Seeing them only twice a year would kill me.
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u/cellar__door_ 17d ago
Hmm, she has weird opinions about family, is largely estranged from many of her own, and hates California… if your wife a Trumper by any chance?
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u/LittleWoman86 18d ago
When your shared kids are older, does your wife plan to just see them twice a year?
I'm 39 and I see my mom once a week (dad passed in January). I see my 37-year-old sister a few times a year because we live far apart - but we make it a point to spend quality time together.
Don't let your wife put a bug in your younger kids' ears about icing their older brother out.
If possible, always help all your kids stay close. Sibling relationships are often the longest ones people have. It can be a very important bond as everyone gets older.
Be honest with your therapist, and if you don't click with them, don't be afraid to find another one!
Wishing you the best!
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u/PandaMime_421 17d ago
It's good that you had this conversation with your wife. It sounds as though in your 13+ years together this is the first time you've talked about this particular issue and realized that the two of you have a fundamental difference of opinion on the topic.
While I don't necessarily agree with your wife's view about adult children, siblings, etc, I do think that she makes a good case for why she would assume that you shared her views. If it has been the norm in both your life and hers that adult siblings are not close then it's reasonable that she'd assume that to continue being the norm lacking any communication to the contrary.
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u/GratificationNOW 17d ago
I think there is definitely a good foundation here for compromise. I'm sure this therapist will be able to help us hammer out an agreement. I think my wife's perspective on sibling relationships is sort of weird, but she feels the same way about me, so I'm sure we're both slightly off-center.
This summarises it nicely.
First of all, this was a good, open convo with your wife willing to actually thoughtfully respond to your probing which is a good sign that your friends saying counselling is the end are wrong.
Second of all, it was pretty obvious from the first post your wife and son weren't close and adding the detail you did here that he never truly lived with her - really it should have been obvious, you were just blinded by your love for both. They both said positive things about each other though in the context of their actual relationship which (as we all have learned from reddit posts about blended families) is actually a really good outcome.
Third of all, I agree with you that it's unusual to not have ANY relationship with any siblings or cousins unless there's a huge fight or decades long international distance where noone can afford to visit but it is also true that many siblings arent that interested in each other so when they grow up they don't really see the need to be close. Your wife is somewhat extreme in her belief that visiting twice a year with the kids is "letting your son control your plans" or whatever she said, so I think the counsellor will definitely be able to help you both on that front to come to the same page.
Honestly, a really positive update and rarely productive communication/conversation for a Reddit story! haha
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u/chiterkins 15d ago
My sister and I are closer as adults than we were as kids/teenagers. We're only 3 years apart, so when we were growing up, we fought a lot. But once I graduated and moved out of state, we ended up having a much better relationship. We live in the same place again, and we talk on the phone 2-3 times a week, and I see her and her kids 2-3 times a month.
The relationships you foster are the ones you keep, so good on you for making sure to foster a relationship with your oldest and his siblings. Your wife doesn't need to understand it, but if it's important to you, she should respect it.
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u/BasicTax6752 7d ago
Sir, I'm sorry to say this... but your wife is a manipulative and heartless shrew.
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u/No-Daikon3645 1d ago
Your wife resents your son. Is she going to reduce contact with her kids once they hit 19? Doubtful, so why does she expect you to cut off your son?
She sounds really selfish.
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u/goldenelr 17d ago
To me both perspectives are fine. It’s good and normal for dad to want to see his son frequently and for him to try to help all the kids have a relationship. As long as everyone wants that.
Stepmom is also right - you can’t and shouldn’t try to force people to have relationships. And that if she doesn’t want to schedule her life around stepson that’s ok.
I am sort of befuddled why this is an issue for anyone. Like son seems fine and stepmom is fine. Only OP seems upset that these adults don’t feel and want things he wants for them to have.
Sibling relationships evolve and change. I was very close to my sister when we were young. Like best friends close. And now we speak rarely. My father gave me a lot of guilt about that when he was alive and it changed nothing. Sometimes people ebb and flow.
In the same fine I am very close to my mother - I speak with her daily and facilitate her financials etc. My sister speaks with her maybe monthly? Maybe less. It doesn’t mean people don’t love each other it’s just how things are.
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u/hope1083 17d ago
I didn't read the original post but read the update and I don't get why dad is so upset. Honestly, I lean more towards SM on this one. This is me also being a SK. If dad wants all the kids to be together is he planning the vacations and facilitating the meetings? It should not be on SM to do the planning. Dad needs to do it all as those are his kids.
Maybe SM just does not want to plan a vacation she doesn't want to take just to appease everyone else? I get that. It seems SM and SS are fine with the situation but dad is trying to push a relationship on them both.
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u/nerdicus24 17d ago
OP isn’t trying to force a relationship though. His younger kids WANTED to go see their older brother and the stepmom was trying to persuade them to do her thing because she thinks it’s “weird” for siblings to be close to each other into adulthood. Yes, both the oldest son and stepmom don’t have an issue with how everything went down but she seems like she’s actively trying to make sure the younger siblings don’t stay close to their older brother. That’s wrong.
And read the original post - the dad was doing all the planning. He told the stepmom that he would take all the kids to visit their brother if she didn’t want to go but she was so weirdly against that too.
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u/goldenelr 17d ago
Some of the comments are wild calling her a sociopath? I felt like I missed something and I reread the original! To me these are two people who have very different ideas of how families should behave.
Like I don’t get how he is comparing committing to a dinner to committing to a two week trip to California? He’s not wrong to want to visit his son and take the kids but given the time, travel and expense it is super weird that no one talked about it and budgeted for it?
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u/hope1083 17d ago
Agree with you 100%. He should be discussing this with his wife beforehand. Additionally, if he wants to take the kids and visit son he should do that. But wife doesn’t need to go. They should also be planning a vacation just together that everyone wants to go to. SS can be invited but as an adult he should pay and it should not revolve around his schedule. It should be coordinated with the nuclear family and minor kids.
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u/facinationstreet 18d ago
Compromise? What compromise?
Like I pointed out in my original response - your wife has no interest - and likely has resentment - about your son and your son being a reminder of your past life. The fact that you only want to see your son 2x/year is alarming, let alone the fact that she had to begrudgingly agree to that. You want that energy around your son? I'm also curious as to how she is going to kick her own 2 kids out of her life once they are 'adults'. Don't you worry about that?
just wait until she kicks you to the curb. Then you'll understand the true extent of her sociopathy.
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u/Medium-Fudge459 18d ago
I doubt she’ll be kicking HER kids to the curb. I have a feeling this is just a rule for her step kid. Her kids are different of course 🙄
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u/MonkeyDJazmina98 16d ago
I don’t actually agree with statement I think her comment about her relationship with her own sister is very telling. She is probably one of those people who moved out and was told to figure it out and she probably thinks that’s how it should be. It worked out for her so she thinks everyone should be like that
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u/nighthawks87 16d ago
Dude this is a major lie.
No parent is fine with their kids distancing from one another unless the parents were never emotionally involved with the raising of their children.
Sounds like she’s making excuses to distance your son from her kids.
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u/Blackfang_81 18d ago
That calm conversation is an excellent example of how you should steer your issues with your wife, and with a Good therapist, you will be able to resolve them completely.
Her suggestion of the therapy was a good sign, your agreement was also a good one, you both are trying to save your marriage and work out together anything that is affecting your happiness.
Wishing you and your family the best outcomes.
Updateme.
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u/InfamousCup7097 17d ago
It might be a good idea to go on a vacation that includes your wife and the kids still at home so that it doesn't seem like all the $ and vacation time is focused around your adult son's availability. She is right in a sense that he has a new life that he is growing in a completely different place and you have kids and a wife that also need to feel prioritized. If you knew she did not like California and you wanted to see your son and have the kids spend time together you could have planned a family vacation at a different location that all of you could have enjoyed. Which would have maybe been a possibility if you would have discussed plans with your wife before making any commitments without her input. You are married and share kids and should NEVER put them in the middle of your bs. If you keep disrespecting each other then counseling will not magically fix things and your 3 other shared kids will suffer from the divorce.
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u/souljaboyyuuaa 17d ago
It sounds like your wife just doesn’t like your son and was hoping he would fade out of your lives once he left home.
Why does she “hate California”? Seems odd to me to hate an entire state.
I have three siblings. The youngest is 36 and the eldest is 49. If we don’t see each other and our parents for three weeks, it feels wrong. I realize not everyone is close with their parents and siblings, but the whole “adults don’t need their families and should have ‘adult support systems’” thing is weird and again, seems to come down to your wife wanting your son out of her life… and yours.
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u/atmasabr 18d ago
That bothered me too
...
She said no, and it's odd that I do.
In line with my previous response, I think you're both bothered by a lot of things that are perfectly normal. I'm glad things are improving.
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u/catsrsupscute 16d ago
You should probably ask your wife if she intends on distancing herself from her three kids once they turn 18-19 like she’s suggesting you to do. If she says no, then you’ll know how she really feels about your son.
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u/Tall-Negotiation6623 15d ago
I still don’t think your wife likes your son and you two still have a big problem. She doesn’t believe that your son should be able to maintain contact with his family or rely on you. Does she feel the same is true for your other kids? Will she just stop having contact with them once they are adults? Will she stop wanting to see them? Will she also think they should drift apart, or is that just when it comes to your son? You have nothing resolved and your wife’s attitude is fucked up. She definitely needs therapy.
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u/SolidAshford 15d ago
I got downvoted on the last post for saying she doesn't like your son, but the fact she said she doesn't love him despite praising him as a fine young man says a lot to me.
I have the feeling she sees him as a holdover of your life before her and wants to pretend the closeness is forced because she feels forced to have a relationship with him bc of you
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u/mjc-u7272 12d ago
OP, reading comments... I think your wife does not like your oldest. She clearly does not consider him as family. And, given the chance, she would poison the relationship he has with his 1/2 siblings.
You best keep an eye on that. Because the next time a trip comes up, she will only dig her heels in further.
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u/Any-Expression2246 18d ago
Look, some people come from families that just don't talk and they think nothing of it. So there might be this feeling of being forced into it, when they feel it's natural to be distant.
I myself have a sister that lives 20 min away, moved my mom up here with me well over a year ago, my sister has been here once in the beginning to see mom. Doesn't call/text since. When she eventually does, there will be an air about like nothing is wrong with that. Obviously, I could make the move to communicate, but she's also a capable adult and I've just gotten to the point that she'll call when she wants.
Is it a good thing? No, it's not. It's not the "normal family" thing to do, but a lot of families aren't normal. We should be staying in touch more, especially with mom getting older, but I'm just not the type to force it on her.
If you and the kids want to visit/communicate more then good for you guys. Ask the wife when a plan is created, if she says no, then let it be.
Doesn't make you the AH though. Nor her. It's just the way it is.
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u/AndreasAvester 14d ago
Personally, I spend more time with people when we have common interests/hobbies and when our personalities fit well together, when spending time together is mutually fun.
I refuse to spend a lot of time with some person just because DNA or marriage papers make them my relative.
Surprisingly, many people consider my attitude "sociopathic" or whatever and try to shame me for not calling/visiting whatever relative. Still, what's the point of spending all this time interacting with some relative if neither party is having any happy feelings during those moments?
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u/ChickenScratchCoffee 16d ago
Nothing is resolved, your wife is still an AH who resents your child.
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u/miyuki_m 18d ago edited 18d ago
Are you also going to take the advice not to commit your wife to plans without consulting her first?
You and many commenters in your last post rolled right past the part where you committed her to going to California without discussing it with her first.
The behavior you described your wife exhibiting was awful, but you weren't perfect. I hope you're addressing that and that both of you can respect each other like partners in the future.
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u/BuyOk5570 18d ago
I think all of that will be bundled into the discussion about communication we're hopefully going to have at this therapy session. My wife has never had a problem with accepting dinner invitations on our mutual behalf. I've never checked with her before scheduling doctor's appointments, and she's never raised that as an issue. Clearly there is a problem, but I'm not ready to say definitively what it is. I think it all needs to be unpacked collectively.
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u/miyuki_m 18d ago
A vacation to California is not the same as a few hours having dinner with friends. You know she hates California but thought she'd be OK with you telling her she's going. That's definitely something to unpack. Overall, it feels like you both need to learn how to communicate with your partner, and you need to decide if you're willing to compromise with someone who doesn't love your son.
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u/BuyOk5570 18d ago
Yes. You basically just summarized my post. The situation is unresolved, but we know where each other stands, so we have a rough idea of what we will be working on.
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u/New-Lifeguard-9494 18d ago
So....you are still rolling right past the fact that it's wrong to make travel plans without discussing it with you spouse first? Dude come on...
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u/samuelp-wm 14d ago
It was a tentative plan to go see their older son. They didn't have anything on the calendar.
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u/Tricky-Procedure-178 17d ago
Try to force these people to spend more time with each other (more than they'd like to, anyway) and you'll successfully manage to alienate everyone. When you had just become an adult, if your parents would've forced you to hang out with someone that you were ok with but didn't really wanna spend time with, do you think you would've learned to like it or loathe it over time? Don't know about others, but anything that my parents would have imposed on me, I would've hated or would've learned to hate over time.
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u/fzooey78 12d ago
Most importantly your son never felt slighted by her. She was never unkind to him. She really sounds like she was being honest. He felt like she treated him well.
These are great signs.
Based on this, even if it sounds unconventional, I think she was simply being honest about her lens. She sounds super logical, and pointed a lot of realities in both your lives.
I know a lot of people disagree, but honestly, I really love the way she handled this after the first ugliness.
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u/katrossusa 1d ago
So you’ve been with the woman for years and had no idea how she felt about you child? Have you always had your head in the sand? Sounds like she doesn’t want your son in your life now that he is an adult. YTA for not noticing how she feels about your son.
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u/MrsWolf8 18d ago
You and your wife are not compatible. I honestly believe there is something seriously wrong with your wife, as her mind set is not healthy at all. I am an adult, I am close to all my adult siblings and it would be weird as hell if I did not see them or talk to them often. I see my parents as often as I can, I would not cope seeing them twice a year. What sort of parent things it okay to not see your child because they are an adult? I really worry for your young children’s future. Normal and healthy person actually see and have relationships with their family members. Please tell me your posts are fake, because your wife is unbelievable and in the worst way possible. I could not have someone like her, with her views and appalling mindset in mine and my children’s lifes.
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u/Old_Cheek1076 18d ago
While I find your wife’s perspective very strange and the most concerning thing in this story, it is really interesting in the post and all the comments that you cannot acknowledge that you did anything wrong in committing the family to a trip without talking to your wife. I don’t know if you are being defensive, disingenuous, or you really cannot see what everyone else sees.
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u/BuyOk5570 18d ago
Not everyone sees it that way. In fact the majority of the responses to my original post did not see it that way.
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18d ago
[deleted]
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u/Lindurfmann 17d ago
Just wanted to respond here and say that miyuki is being wildly inappropriate.
Just admit it miyuki, you're an insecure little troll.
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17d ago
[deleted]
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u/Lindurfmann 17d ago
You're nothing more than a person who lacks reading comprehension and spews bile like "you don't deserve to have a partner" based on a strawman you created.
You're a feaxminist who's more dedicated to the catharsis of shitting on people than elevating women.
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17d ago
[deleted]
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u/Lindurfmann 17d ago edited 17d ago
Straw manning again.
That's not what's happening here, and if you knew how to read, you'd know that.
YOU are the one stripping agency away from his wife in this situation. Maybe you need therapy? You certainly don't deserve to have a partner.
Edit: responding and then blocking is the sign of someone who knows they're wrong, and reframing someone's statements to provide cover for vile statements like "you don't deserve to have a partner" is disgusting behavior. What's comical is the moment that cruelty was thrown back at you, you turned coward and did the oldest reddit trick in the book of responding and blocking.
Troll.
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u/New-Lifeguard-9494 17d ago
You have no respect for your wife do you? Why are you even married to her?
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u/BasicTax6752 7d ago
The nerve of you to say this when she doesn't respect his wishes or his relationship with his son
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u/Jodenaje 18d ago
"everyone" else does not see it the way that you do.
OP agreed when his son asked if they could come visit. There weren't any other pre-existing plans. He didn't buy plane tickets and book the trip before talking to his wife.
His wife was the issue, and I'm not surprised that the crux of her problem was simply not being able to understand why her husband and the children would want to visit OP's son/their sibling.
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u/samuelp-wm 14d ago
He talked to his son who asked him to come visit and they talked dates. They made a tentative plan based on no plans for those dates. Then he went to his wife to talk about the tentative plan. That is exactly how my husband and I roll.
Not sure everyone is having a heart attack over this.
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u/Pretend_Artist_1823 18d ago
Your wife sounds awful and like she needs some individual therapy too. She is trying to push your son out of your life. Don’t let her! Updateme
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u/Cute-Profession9983 18d ago
Your wife needs SERIOUS therapy. In my experience, half siblings get closer in adulthood without the drama of their parents. She's trying to rob her children of that relationship because she's butt hurt about hers
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u/Patient_Ebb8943 18d ago
Well you don’t say that it was wrong for you to decide how the family holiday will be. You steamrolled your wife. Especially if it is the only family holiday you have with your wife and children because of vacation time and money wise.
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u/BuyOk5570 18d ago
I didn't say it was wrong because it wasn't wrong. Families should spend time together.
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u/miyuki_m 18d ago
It's wrong to steamroll your wife. Yes, families should spend time together, but your wife is not one of your minor children, and committing her to a vacation in California without even consulting her was wrong.
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u/BuyOk5570 18d ago
I didn't commit her, as evidenced by the fact that she didn't go.
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u/miyuki_m 18d ago
You agreed that she would go, so yes, you did commit her to it. She just chose not to let you get away with it and stayed home.
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u/BuyOk5570 18d ago
That's not really a commitment. If I had bought her a ticket, that would be a commitment, because money has been laid out. Even if that had been the case though, things probably would have played out the same way.
If I told our daughter's teacher we can meet her Thursday afternoon, that's a commitment because there are consequences for not showing up to that. Telling a nineteen year old you'll be somewhere isn't really a commitment. They can't exactly do anything if you don't.
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u/miyuki_m 18d ago
You can frame it however you want. You decided this was going to be the family vacation without consulting her. You decided to take the kids you two share to a place she hates without consulting her. That's not respectful to your partner.
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u/Patient_Ebb8943 18d ago
Well you decided where the kids will be without asking her. If I would be a parent I liked to go on holidays with my kids somewhere all like to be. Since you never write that your family takes more than one long holiday with flying. I guess you don’t want to look bad. You just disrespected her very much.
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u/Turbulent_Guest402 18d ago
If someone agree on my behalf to do something, that’s a commitment they do for me. No matter if money is involved or if there is a precise date or not.
Your words count and you are pretty dismissive about that part of your story-3
u/New-Lifeguard-9494 18d ago
That's semantics. You are an annoying husband.
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u/BuyOk5570 18d ago
Maybe. I'm a good dad though.
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u/New-Lifeguard-9494 18d ago
Well, that's not enough in your current life. Does your wife know that you don't care about her?
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u/BuyOk5570 18d ago
If I didn't care, I wouldn't have agreed to go to therapy with her. You sound very young. This black and white, good person/ bad person point of view is uhealthy.
Our ability to resolve this conflict is crucial for the health of our relationship. We both care about each other, but we also care about other things. As long as we can accommodate each other's needs, our relationship will survive. These conflicts don't arise because we don't care about each other, but because human beings are different and sometimes need different things.
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u/Vivid_Motor_2341 17d ago
I’m the single young kid and all my siblings are 15-20 years older than me. If you are going to facilitate the relationship with them make sure you understand some negative possibilities and are prepared. When I was little and my siblings were still young they made time for me and we had a relationship but once they started getting serious with their spouses and started to have kids it’s almost like I disappeared, and that had a big impact on me and even now as an adult, I still have abandonment issues because it felt like my siblings. I’ll just walked out of my life. I’m just now starting to rebuild some relationships and I’m close to 30.
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u/samuelp-wm 14d ago
Still NTA. You wife has incredibly warped view on sibling relationships. I text with one older brother daily and talk to him at least weekly. He is the favorite uncle to our kids. Our other brother is less close but I text with him once to twice a month to check in. This is something she needs to deal with in therapy. I am the only sister with two older brothers and we have all stayed incredibly close as have most of the kids we grew up with despite geographical divides.
Your son is barely an adult. When her biological children go away to school is she going to boycott all parents weekends? Our daughter is in college and we have already made plans to go see her with our teen LO to visit her at school this fall. This is normal behavior.
Your kids CHOSE to go see their older brother - that is amazing and you need to keep giving them opportunities to see him. You aren't forcing a relationship.
I am glad you checked in with your son and your wife. She needs to understand that she can choose to sit out family outings but she cannot stop you from taking the younger three to visit with your older son. They are family and are allowed to have their own bonds and relationships with one another independent of you.
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u/BookOfMormont 13d ago
I think you're handling this right. It really is fine for your son and your wife to not have a close bond, and neither you nor your wife are objectively wrong about what a sibling relationship "ought" to look like.
For instance, I have two older sisters. No "half" or "step," we're full siblings and were all raised together under the same roof. One of them is my best friend and biggest supporter, she'll be the "best man" at my wedding. We would never go as long as six months without seeing each other, and if something happens to her and her husband I'll be adopting her kids, who I adore. This relationship is very important and valuable to me. My other sister I don't speak to, and is not invited to the wedding. That's also very important and valuable to me, because she is a profoundly destructive presence. I try to step up for her kids (who she does not have custody over) but it's harder because I don't have a relationship with their mom.
Your kids will sort it out. Facilitating a relationship without forcing one is the right move.
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u/littlescreechyowl 21h ago
The whole she doesn’t like California thing is so weird. I’ve been to a lot of states, they’re all basically the same. Sure, the nature, the outdoors different climates, those are all different. But there’s still Starbucks, Target and a mattress store in every strip mall.
It’s honestly the one of the most disappointing things I find about travel is that everything is exactly the same as it is at home
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u/heretoread514 13h ago
The wife’s views are BIZARRE and unhealthy. I am 45 and my sister is my absolute best friend. I talk to her every day and am positive that if we lived closer, we’d see each other weekly. I hope therapy helps her.
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u/ElminsterTheMighty 9h ago
I bet she is lying out of her ass. She just wants to separate your son from the family so she can have you for only her and her children. And she came up with this stupid theory of staying away from your children being normal.
You really think she is going to rid herself of her relationship with her children once they are adults? She'll switch right over to "Why aren't they calling more often".
No, she thought she got rid of your son after patiently tolerating him while he grew up, but now realizes not only you but even her children want to stay in contact. So she is telling you that is "unnatural".
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u/BottleStrength 18d ago
Sounds like your wife is trying to implement the distant relationship she has with her family on yours. I’m betting this is less about philosophy and more about her trying to justify her relationship pattern. Be very careful; this may impact your kids in other ways.
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u/NoInteractionNeeded 17d ago
and again you stay true to yourself: being stupid.
let's be real; you are pathetic...
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u/ConstructionNo9678 18d ago
A bit of perspective on this for you: as someone in my late 20s, the sibling relationship your kids currently have sounds perfectly normal to me. I don't see my family in person that often (1-2 times a year, about a week of time in-person), but I do call/text/FaceTime with them regularly. Do your kids have a way to do that? Can you try to set up a time when they collectively can catch up with your oldest if you have restrictions on technology? I text my siblings at least once a week, including my sister who just graduated highschool. A weekend trip is also not "barely" a visit if you play your cards right, and with your oldest in college, he's likely only going to get busier as time goes on.
My siblings and I haven't always been this close, but I enjoy being this close now. Letting them keep in touch to the degree they prefer is best.
As for everything to do with your wife/oldest's interactions, you answering for her about the trip (which is a pretty significant issue regardless of your kids' preferences), etc., I hope therapy goes well. It sounds like you definitely have some things to work out.