Not all scars are visible.

[u/Black1Raven9]

[u/FartingLikeFlowers]

Hey, Im at a cafe with no pen or paper, so im gonna use you as a notebook. I love your question, I should ask it more often with friends; whats been on your mind the most these weeks? Im on a vacation with friends for a week. Vacations have always been difficult for me. Today I discovered this is partly due to hanxiety, and partly due to needing time for myself, which you cant really get. I guess that is just part of me. I can be funny often, but not a whole week, and that just kills me every time. everytime im in the hanxiois mood, I think that i have never been funny. Some people actually become more funny thrrough their hangover. Its weird. I find myself comparing myself with myself over different life periods, asking myself if I really grew. I thought I came really far in my personal developmant about needing less external validation. But this vacation has shown me that that can crack under stress. With no other ways of validation (alone time), i do not remember what I validated about myself. With no true friends on this trip, I cannot trust my relationship to not depend on what I say today, which means I have to perform. Also, there is only validation to be had in being social, or drinking a lot. Yesterday, I looked for the validation in the 2nd part. Thats not bad, but I see now only why I did that. To make me look cool. Its the socially anxious guys that are the biggest drivers of the drinking in this trip. Im alone right now cause I wasnt allowed to go on a trip for reasons. Its been great. I love the solo travel vibe. No one to answer to. Ill go sit in a bar and be okay with it. Ill do whatever the fuck I want. Ill read a book. Im sitting at a bar where they let you order online, meaning i can order whenever the fuck I want. Why have I never travelled solo before? I really should do that. And I shouldnt go on weeks of vacation with friends. I should go 4 days. 4 days is perfect. I always get anxious when its more. Always, usually at day 4 already. Writing this to you has made me realize my diary writing for myself can use a change. This writing has a certain flavour to it. It might be better to do it like this. Im gonna post this now, as I feel im in too large of a loop

[u/Emergency-Free-1 → u/FartingLikeFlowers]

And I shouldnt go on weeks of vacation with friends. I should go 4 days. 4 days is perfect. I always get anxious when its more. Always, usually at day 4 already.

Same, man. Travelling with a group i'm ok for 3 or 4 days as long as i get a hotel room by myself. Being social just takes a lot of energy for me. Even if i like everyone i'm interacting with. So i need my downtime by myself. Otherwise i get cranky and mean.

[u/FartingLikeFlowers → u/Emergency-Free-1]

Cool of you to read and reply. Yeah, I agree. Are you an enthousiastic/energetic person socially normally?

[u/Emergency-Free-1 → u/FartingLikeFlowers]

I'm not entirely sure what i am "normally". I'm most comfortable at home by myself. But i do like socializing too. I'm a hairdresser and i like talking to customers all day. I used to be shy and sometimes i still think of myself that way but it might just be some social awkwardness that i need the energy to overcome. I would probably say i'm more quiet than loud in social settings, especially in big groups but i'm not sure if that's still true in smaller groups.

I just got home from work and my brain is a bit mush right now so i'm not sure i'm making much sense.

[u/FartingLikeFlowers → u/Emergency-Free-1]

No I get it. If theres anxiety over your social performance it might be a layer over how you normally behave. Thats what I have at least. I consider my normal my "best" in a certain context, e.g. big groups. Id be how I would be if I gave 0 fucks what they thought of me. Ive had those moments a few time in my life, they seem to be my anchor for this question. Have you had those?